This is the third post written for today / yesterday – which is why it’s a tad late. I decided not to go with one I wrote about my love of dancing. It was damned boring… though beware, I may pull it out when stuck at some point in the future. The second post was about being ‘alone’ and was a bit angsty, so is probably more suited toΒ DebbishΒ than Diet Schmiet.
And then there’s this one which struck me today as I was wheeled about in a hospital bed.
I should start by confessing to a ridiculous secret yearning. And it’s not about sex or world peace.
In fact, it’s so pathetic (and naive) it’s beyond embarrassing. But… I’ve long wished for a little stay in hospital. I know people with chronic illnesses (such as my father and many others) would think I need a good slap around the head. And – of course – I don’t actually want to be sick. But… I do like the idea of someone taking care of me for a bit: someone doing everything for me and taking responsibility away from me. Just for a little while.
This thought occurred to me again today as I went to a nearby hospital for an endoscopy. The day surgery itself was no biggie. I’ve had endoscopies before. And these are only to check stuff in my stomach because of my autoimmune diseases.
Naturally it’s a bit of a hassle. I live alone so have no one to take me or pick me up. I get taxis to and fro and have to fib about having someone at home to watch over me (which you are supposed to have post-anaesthetic. Apparently).
But today as I lay there in the hospital bed waiting (mostly-patiently) to be wheeled into surgery I was again reminded of my little fancy. I was totally at the mercy of the medical staff for whom I was waiting. And I must confess there was something kinda freeing about that.
It makes no sense. My recent posts here and in my other blog about the book 50 Shades of Grey were filled with indignation at the concept of HAVING to play a submissive character. “I’m a control freak,” I said in MANY of my responses to comments. “I’m not gonna call someone Sir and let them treat me with minimal respect if I have something to say about it.”
I’ve admitted before that the thing I found hardest about the fat camp I attended (modelled on The Biggest Loser) was having control taken away from me. I wasn’t able to make decisions about what I ate, what I did or when I did it. And… particularly in the first fortnight, I didn’t know what to expect or what was coming next. It stressed me no end.
HOWEVER… bizarrely I’m okay with the notion of fate. I CAN be zen about things if I feel I have no choice or no say in the matter (and I KNOW it’s beyond my control!). Yes… go figure. I don’t get it either.
We human beings are so complex. One one hand I’m a control freak… BUT I confess to having minimal ‘self-control’, particularly when it comes to food. (So, I wonder, do I yearn to control everything around me BECAUSE of my inability to control myself?!)
Bizarrely, I was once the opposite. Theory suggests that those (like my former self) who become anorexic do so because we believe we have no control over our lives and the one thing we can control is what we put into our bodies.
Hmmm…. how times change!
And then there appears to be this lurking desire to have control taken away from me. I realise that part of me finds it exhausting to HAVE to constantly be in control (stage-managing much of my life and those around me and having to stay four steps ahead) and just wants someone else to do it. For a while.
God… maybe I could be more submissive than I think. Argh!
It really is too confusing to dwell on such contradictions. We sure are complicated creatures!
Can you relate?
August 23, 2012
OH I hope your hossie stay went well and you are feeling better. I think everyone feels like that at some stage – a good hospital stay = someone who takes care of things so you dont have to think of anything – I certainly have. I can relate. I think everyone has a bit of oxymoron in them – or just maybe moron. I’m a neat freak yet my house is a mess!!!!
August 24, 2012
Thanks Lou Lou – I’m fine… though I have a sore ankle (not sure if that happened during surgery or last night’s sleep?!).
And I get the messy/clean thing. I have parts of my apartment I’m anal about keeping tidy (I cannot stand to have washing up left out or stuff on my benches) and then other parts look like a disaster zone (my walk-in wardrobe and spare bedroom are strewn with clothes!).
But you have a new baby so you’ve got an excuse!!!
Deb
August 23, 2012
I’ve had an endoscopy too Deb. Hope it all went well for you today. I’m a bit sad though that you catch taxi’s to and fro and noone at home to wait on you and check you’re ok! Wondering about your autoimmune disease(s)! I’m a bit of a weirdo – as well as having Hypothyroidism, I have Immuno Globulin A (IGA) deficiency. What fun!
Must confess that I too dont mind a bit of a hossie visit (so long as its nothing seriously scary!) – secretly liking to surrendor all responsibilities for a bit and have food brought to me etc. After awhile though – I start to get bored π
August 24, 2012
I’ve actually never stayed in a hospital Min (which I guess is a good thing) and have only ever had day surgeries!
Yes I have the three autoimmune diseases (also hypothyroidism, coeliac and this other stomach metaplasia thing). The initial results yesterday aren’t as good as the specialist would like so she’s waiting on the biopsy results but I may need more tests. (I don’t mind, but it’s a hassle getting time off work etc!)
PS. I will have to google IGA as I don’t know what it is!!!
Deb
August 23, 2012
Oh, I can certainly relate! π I’ve had long long stays in hospital earlier in my life and even though hospitals can be annoying, they can also be very comforting places.
I guess the problem with anorexia is that you’re trying to control something you really can’t control. You have a body with it’s own in-buit needs and ways to assert itself..
You may need to rethink the submissive thing? π
August 24, 2012
Yes Satu, perhaps I need a domineering man in my life to take care of me (does sound kinda nice!) – but only if he’s gorgeous and rich and doesn’t expect me to work (or call him Sir or kneel for hours on end!).
xx
August 25, 2012
Yes, you need a sugar daddy! π
August 25, 2012
Oh most definitely…. Any applicants out there? *Sigh*
August 24, 2012
Oh I get it! I’m a control freak- ie me in control and faff and if necessary will stoop to manipulative power games to stay there. Its not an attractive trait, but I’m being honest. Mars in Scorpio. I can not deal with control being taken away from me- & its the thing I dislike most about programs like Biggest Loser- part of the process is about regaining personal power and the ability to make choices that are more positive. Having said that, I am a believer in fate. I believe we do things when we are ready for them. I believe that doors open only when they need to. But our power lies in free will and the power to react or take those opportunities. OK, I’ll get off my soapbox now.
August 24, 2012
Feel free to stay there cos I basically agree with you. On the issue of fate, I’m waiting to hear about some work-related stuff. Initially I was really freaked out by what might happen, but I’ve decided I can’t do anything about it and will deal with whatever comes my way…. Ommmmmm…
August 25, 2012
yeah, the way you react is the only control you have when the ball is with someone else…
August 24, 2012
I can relate to this too. It is nice to be looked after sometimes and not worry about all the things you have to do.
I hope you are feeling okay π
August 25, 2012
Haha! I’m am the biggest control freak, but like you, I enjoy a little stay in hospital – as long as it’s not for anything serious. I have regular day surgeries (“surgery” is a bit grand for the very minor procedures I actually have done, but there’s a general anaesthetic involved) and I quite enjoy some things about it.
Some of the good things:
– a day off work
– lying around with absolutely nothing to do except read or surf the net
– blankets and fluffy robes straight out of the heating cabinet
– being fussed over
– the fancy machines – I’m overly curious about things like heart rate, blood pressure etc, and annoy the hell out of the nurses asking what all my stats are and comparing them to last time
– the “good” drugs I get pre-op (hehe! Narcotics, wheee!)
– being dropped off, picked up and waited on hand and foot by my husband when I get home
The down sides are NO BREAKFAST, the irritating recovery period (I take at least two weeks to get back to normal and to sleeping through the night), and the whole genetic disease thing that makes this necessary in the first place.
Obviously you’re like me and have no fear of hospitals, needles, etc – I suspect that’s just a result of being overly familiar with the whole experience. I had a spinal block anaesthetic once and was told by the orderly whose job it was to hold me while it was administered that he had never had such a relaxed and chatty patient ever before. ;o)
Hope you’re recovering well and resting up.
August 25, 2012
Thanks Kerryn, I’m fine the endoscopy was no biggie at all. But yes, the inability to do anything about one’s situation is surprisingly liberating. Lying there in the bed waiting to go into the theatre (as I was tired and just wanted to zone out) was heavenly!
Deb
August 25, 2012
I don’t the hospital stay fantasy has as much to do with control as it does with having someone taking care of you. It feels really good to have someone care about how you are doing, and whose job it is to make you feel comfortable. At fat camp, those people don’t care how you feel, they want you to see results. That is giving up control. In the hospital, you are letting someone care for you as you would yourself, and that feels good.
August 25, 2012
Yes, being taken care of is lovely. I was having that conversation with my mother yesterday (as she’d read my post). Oh… and I’d come home from work with a vomiting thing so had to drive myself home and make it inside before I had any accidents and then get myself upstairs to bed. I guess it’s times like that when having someone else around would be nice! (Plus I had to taxi to and from the hospital for my surgery and fib that I had someone at home to watch over me afterwards!!!)
August 26, 2012
Interesting thoughts Deb. I don’t think you’re crazy for wanting someone to take care of you for a little while…in fact, I think it’s normal!
I definitely relate to is this: “…do I yearn to control everything around me BECAUSE of my inability to control myself?!”
Having experienced both sides of the coin, so to speak, I can definitely see what’s going on when I start to get all control-freak-y with others, and it’s almost always because I have lost control of myself. And we’re not unusual in this regard…I think it’s normal!
Can you imagine what it would be like to take control out of the equation? Neither controlling or out of control?
August 26, 2012
I must admit I can’t imagine what it would be like Karen?! I wonder if there’s any happy medium. I can’t actually work out what it would be!!!
Deb
August 27, 2012
Happy medium? Yes! That’s what it would be π