Does it ever feel like I go over and over the same things ALL OF THE TIME?!
It certainly feels that way to me sometimes. I overanalyse my life to death. I KNOW what I should do but when it comes down to it… I rarely do the right thing.
I recall relatively recently uploading a blog post that was almost entirely tweets. It pretty much typified the day I’d had and reflected how much my mood had yo-yoed over a short period. And it wasn’t pretty.
Because I’m a self-confessed bitch I must admit I sometimes roll my eyes at those Facebook friends or Twitterers who spend all bloody day moaning. I mean, I don’t mind the occasional, “I hate my kids.” Or random, “My life sucks.” Or even a barrage of swear words… but there are some drama queens I know (and I’m sure we all know them) who just constantly post tweets and updates that make me wanna gag.
I just feel like crying.
Why is everyone so mean to me?
Why does the world hate me so?
Sitting here. In tears.
Oh… for f*ck’s sake!
Now if someone is truly depressed then I really hope they seek help, but sometimes people may just be attention seeking. And I – *taking deep breath* – did that today.
I’m stressed. I’m pretty sure you’re aware of that cos I haven’t stopped friggin’ talking about it for DAYS. Tomorrow is D-Day for me. My place will either be ‘sold’ and I will have packed and moved within 10-12 days OR the sale will fall through and it will continue to be on the market.
I can’t really start packing in case I need to keep it looking pretty.
On top of that, I’m flying down south for four days for a blogging conference on Thursday (losing 4 of my 12 packing days!).
I haven’t found a place to buy (and can’t do so UNTIL my place is sold), but may be putting in an offer on a place I saw once a month ago (but would really like to see again before I put the friggin’ offer in). I also submitted a rental application pending the sale of my apartment.
Renting for several months would be dead money – and a waste, when you consider I could stay with my mother (rent-free) until I find something to buy.
My mother, however, does not live in the beachside locale I’ve chosen to be my next hometown. She lives about 30 minutes’ drive away. By staying with her I’d continue to be biding my time.
For someone who’s generally such an apathetic SOB, I’ve done shitloads of stuff in the last two weeks. If I do say so myself. And this has been predominantly because I feel I can’t ‘stop’ until this phase of my life is doneski.
I know for a fact that I will continue to put the next phase of my life on hold until I’m settled and until it has started.
Ahhhh... (that was me taking a deep breath after that brain-dump!)
I usually only stress about little stuff. Not the big stuff. And I generally internalise it.
Today – of course – when I was feeling angsty I tried to cope as best I knew how: eating my way through it!
Bizarrely (and fortunately) I was very conscious of what was happening. And, while I overindulged in Chinese takeaway at lunch, there was no binge. Also interestingly I stopped myself at one point and asked why unhealthy food or a binge would ‘help’ (as I believed it would). The words: comfort, coping, numbing and distracting all came to mind.
It occurs to me I do what the experts recommend when faced with emotional upheaval – identify that I’m eating to avoid / numb emotions… and yet I often still go ahead and do it!
But… as I said recently – while I can’t control my emotions I CAN control my behaviour. That was essentially the point of my use of IsoWhey Meal Replacement Shakes over the past three weeks. I KNEW I’d fall back on old patterns if given the opportunity. And I did.
So, tomorrow I’m going to be prepared because I am planning a busy day to keep me occupied rather than panicking every time my phone rings – in case it’s my agent telling me the sale is off.
Tomorrow I will be ‘in the zone’ and I will have minimal time on my hands to worry and obsess.
Do you acknowledge emotional eating episodes, but go ahead anyway?
PS. I must also admit I don’t want to start packing ANYTHING before the contract becomes unconditional, because I’m worried I’ll jinx the sale. Is that strange?