Does it ever feel like I go over and over the same things ALL OF THE TIME?!
It certainly feels that way to me sometimes. I overanalyse my life to death. I KNOW what I should do but when it comes down to it… I rarely do the right thing.
I recall relatively recently uploading a blog post that was almost entirely tweets. It pretty much typified the day I’d had and reflected how much my mood had yo-yoed over a short period. And it wasn’t pretty.
Because I’m a self-confessed bitch I must admit I sometimes roll my eyes at those Facebook friends or Twitterers who spend all bloody day moaning. I mean, I don’t mind the occasional, “I hate my kids.” Or random, “My life sucks.” Or even a barrage of swear words… but there are some drama queens I know (and I’m sure we all know them) who just constantly post tweets and updates that make me wanna gag.
I just feel like crying.
Why is everyone so mean to me?
Why does the world hate me so?
Sitting here. In tears.Â
Oh… for f*ck’s sake!
Now if someone is truly depressed then I really hope they seek help, but sometimes people may just be attention seeking. And I – *taking deep breath* – did that today.
I’m stressed. I’m pretty sure you’re aware of that cos I haven’t stopped friggin’ talking about it for DAYS. Tomorrow is D-Day for me. My place will either be ‘sold’ and I will have packed and moved within 10-12 days OR the sale will fall through and it will continue to be on the market.
I can’t really start packing in case I need to keep it looking pretty.
On top of that, I’m flying down south for four days for a blogging conference on Thursday (losing 4 of my 12 packing days!).
I haven’t found a place to buy (and can’t do so UNTIL my place is sold), but may be putting in an offer on a place I saw once  a month ago (but would really like to see again before I put the friggin’ offer in). I also submitted a rental application pending the sale of my apartment.
Renting for several months would be dead money – and a waste, when you consider I could stay with my mother (rent-free) until I find something to buy.
My mother, however, does not live in the beachside locale I’ve chosen to be my next hometown. She lives about 30 minutes’ drive away. By staying with her I’d continue to be biding my time.
For someone who’s generally such an apathetic SOB, I’ve done shitloads of stuff in the last two weeks. If I do say so myself. And this has been predominantly because I feel I can’t ‘stop’ until this phase of my life is doneski.
I know for a fact that I will continue to put the next phase of my life on hold until I’m settled and until it has started.
Ahhhh... (that was me taking a deep breath after that brain-dump!)
I usually only stress about little stuff. Not the big stuff. And I generally internalise it.
Today – of course – when I was feeling angsty I tried to cope as best I knew how: eating my way through it!
Bizarrely (and fortunately) I was very conscious of what was happening. And, while I overindulged in Chinese takeaway at lunch, there was no binge. Also interestingly I stopped myself at one point and asked why unhealthy food or a binge would ‘help’ (as I believed it would). The words: comfort, coping, numbing and distracting all came to mind.
It occurs to me I do what the experts recommend when faced with emotional upheaval – identify that I’m eating to avoid / numb emotions… and yet I often still go ahead and do it!
But… as I said recently – while I can’t control my emotions I CAN control my behaviour. That was essentially the point of my use of IsoWhey Meal Replacement Shakes over the past three weeks. I KNEW I’d fall back on old patterns if given the opportunity. And I did.
So, tomorrow I’m going to be prepared because I am planning a busy day to keep me occupied rather than panicking every time my phone rings – in case it’s my agent telling me the sale is off.
Tomorrow I will be ‘in the zone’ and I will have minimal time on my hands to worry and obsess.
Do you acknowledge emotional eating episodes, but go ahead anyway?Â
 PS. I must also admit I don’t want to start packing ANYTHING before the contract becomes unconditional, because I’m worried I’ll jinx the sale. Is that strange?
October 9, 2012
Yes – I’ll put my hand up – I acknowledge emotional eating episodes and go ahead anyway and it’s usually when I’m stressed. And of course you are stressed! Selling a home is THE most stressful thing and on top of that you’re going to move to a new locale and have a place to buy and you’re newly unemployed and still adjusting. All things that are quite unsettling. I think the bad eating choices is a telltale sign that stress is a trigger. Breathe 🙂 Enjoy your problogger conference – what fun! If you have to live with your mum for awhile that will be ok. It’s better than rushing in to buy something or wasting money on rent I think. And…at least at your mum’s you’re close enough to go househunting at your new location while you’re there. I’m sure you wouldn’t end up staying with her for too long. It’ll all work out – I’m sure 🙂
October 10, 2012
Thanks Min. As I just said to Julia, I’ll know either way today.
The main reason I’m loath to stay with my mum is that I expect that there won’t be many places on the market until the new year now and it means I’ll have to hold off on purchasing until after that. Renting at least ALLOWS me to move to where I want the next phase to start.
Kinda excited but really not wanting to jinx it!
October 10, 2012
it sounds like you are going through a really tough time. i hope it is over once the transition is over… your mind is full. can you talk with someone?
October 10, 2012
Yes… my mother’s around. I don’t like to bother friends (am not good at asking for favours) though will moan to them in an email! At least the uncertainty will be over today (now) either way. I was a bit stressed yesterday as I was supposed to head into the city to my old (workplace) gym to do a Pump class at lunch, but I couldn’t face the idea of having to find a park etc. I was conscious that I’m out of town etc for 4 days later in the week and ‘may’ not get my usual exercise in – but decided to ease up on myself this week at least. If I get 2-3 sessions in then that should be enough!
Deb
October 10, 2012
One of the girls in my running squad is in exactly the same boat as you – house selling. She’s at the ‘waiting for it to become unconditional’ phase, looking at houses and planning on moving in with her parents in the interim. It’s an incredibly stressful time. You’re doing a good thing as far as planning for the stressful day. It’s the best thing you can do – keep yourself occupied and keep your brain busy with other things.
October 10, 2012
Thanks Char. Talked through some of it with someone this morning which helped. KNOW I’ll be okay today… and then I’ll know either way. (The buying bit is up in the air, but I’m working on a strategy!)
Deb
October 10, 2012
Sometimes. Remember it’s normal to do a little emotional eating every now and again 🙂
October 11, 2012
True and I didn’t actually feel too bad about my efforts earlier this week. I was conscious of what was happening and why. Reining it in so it doesn’t get out of control will be the trick!
October 10, 2012
Full on Deb! Selling your house and moving is stressful. Plus all that other stuff you’ve been dealing with re your job. Give yourself a break and meet me in Melbourne and we’ll have a great time and then think about the other stuff on the plane heading back north.
And yes, I do acknowledge comfort eating and impulse buying but still do it anyway. My psychiatrist says I should hold on to that acknowledgment put a mental doorway around it and then close the door on the urge to eat or shop and walk away.
Doesn’t work often. Although I’ve been so good with food for 17 days now (completely sugar free and low dairy, low carb) but I’ve been drinking 5+ cafe strength coffees a day and I’ve been spending loads of money. I always seem to have some addiction going on.
See you tomorrow night! Yay!
October 11, 2012
Yes, I’m prone to need some sort of crutch myself. I need to find some healthy obsession to replace the unhealthy ones!
Deb
October 11, 2012
I’m actually guilty of emotional eating, when I’m depressed I eat, when I’m happy I also eat. It cause me a lot because I let myself be drown by the situation. Good thing I was able to get up and started living and eating healthy. So I’m pretty sure, you can do the same.
October 11, 2012
Thanks so much for the encouragement! (And well done for making those changes!)
Deb
October 12, 2012
You’re not a bitch, Deb…nobody likes the Negative Nelly types. We all have a whinge now & then, and that’s ok. But the folks who unleash constant streams of complaints and “poor me” tweets, blog posts and/or status updates drive me nuts. I’ll unfollow faster than you can say “pain in the arse”. 😉
October 12, 2012
Thanks Kerryn… I do try to avoid CONSTANT negativity!
Deb