It may not surprise you – given the tenor of my recent posts – that I overindulged in my binge / trigger foods last night.
I did a quick shop after work (as my mother is coming to town today and I figured an empty fridge would be a bad look. Plus I’m 44 friggin’ years old. I shouldn’t have a fridge that looks like that of a 20yr old!); and sadly without thinking too much about it (other than a WTF not?!) I threw into my basket TWO 200g packets of gluten free corn chips (they were on sale!) AND a bag of (12) caramello koalas. The only thing I can say in defence of myself is that the Cadbury brand Koalas were TWO bags for $6 (almost half price), but I realised that one was quite enough thank you very much…. despite the value-for-money inefficiencies.
It’d been a cold and windy wintery day here in Oz. I had made it to the gym for some cardio but I was still in the ‘God I feel fat and revolting and life sucks!’ frame of mind.
I was sure the corn chips would make it all better. Plus, well… what I said earlier, I was thinking WTF?! Why not?!
I opened packet one of corn chips and proceeded to scoff the lot (lathering them in a sour cream dip I made). This is a bit gruesome (and TMI) but I will confess to not finishing the packet but licking the flavour off the final quarter or third (not in a calorie – saving way) but possibly in an ‘I’m full’ way. Did I mention I’m a 44 year old woman?!
Rather than wait for my state of fullness to dissipate, I then opened the bag of caramello koalas and started eating. I was halfway through when I stopped and leaned back. Blech!
Feeling quite blah (even blah-er than before), I decided that even though it was only 8.30 I’d head up to the bath and have an early night.
But… after my bath (less full now) I lay in bed OBSESSED with the uneaten koalas and second bag of corn chips downstairs.
Sane Deborah was feeling good in a (relative) sense. Once upon a time I’d probably have opened the second bag and started eating it after the first, even if I was full. AND there is no way I would have left some koalas outside of my body.
I wasn’t happy with the choices I’d made, but… I was telling myself that the chips and koalas would still be there tomorrow and I could eat them WHENEVER I wanted.
Less-sane Deborah, well accustomed to the Last Supper concept, was thinking, ‘If I eat them tonight I can start afresh tomorrow with no danger foods in the house.’
This went around in my head for an hour or two as I lay in bed. I’ve written about it before: I’ve stopped ‘dieting’ because of that Last Supper (I’ll start Monday) mentality. But, I’ve also admitted that I’m not yet ready to keep my trigger / danger / binge foods in my house. Obviously.
Just after 10pm I returned downstairs and consumed the second bag of corn chips (licking the flavouring off a few more this time) and eating the remaining koalas before returning to bed. I’m not usually a late-night eater, but obviously I could not let the thought of the uneaten food downstairs go.
So… it seems I’m still learning.
August 11, 2012
(Debbish), I’ve so been there. Treat yourself so kindly right now. Self-Compassion heals so much our our self-inflicted wounds. And really, it’s not a wound. It’s a window…. to learn about our inner universe. peace
August 11, 2012
Thanks for that. My mum is in town so just took the bandage off for me. Think I’m right to restart stuff now!
Deb
August 12, 2012
There is SO much learning and awareness in this post. I’ve been there too…many, many times. Something that has helped, believe it or not, is not holding myself to a vow of “I’ll never binge again.”
August 12, 2012
THanks Karen… As I realised (leaving the comment on your latest post) I seem to be more moderate in my thinking / reaction, which is a huge growth for me!
Deb
August 13, 2012
I echo what Karen said. I WILL binge again. I typically binge now every 3 months. It used to be 3x a week. Each binge is a gift. I learn SO MUCH about what is going on inside of me.
August 13, 2012
Hmm…. I do need to let go of that all/nothing (perfectionist – if it’s not perfect it’s a failure) mindset. As I said, I think I am improving though.
August 12, 2012
Oh my. This is super familiar territory for me, too, especially the obsessing over the trigger foods, the WTF moments and, of course, last supper mentality. I’m still in the thickest of it myself so no consoling thoughts here 🙁 But it helps to look at it as learning rather than failure and with that thought I will stop obsessing about my own demons and get on the bicycle and into the park because it’s a beautiful morning here and my body – once I decided to listen to it – wants movement rather than a big fry-up. There is always tomorrow but there is also still today 🙂 Thank you! xo
August 12, 2012
You’re welcome Kerstin and thank YOU! I commented on a post by Karen Anderson about all/nothing thinking and realised that I must be improving because on two recent occasions (the injury affecting my exercise, and this binge) I didn’t immediately jump to the worst-case. Rather I KNEW that I’d changed enough that I would get back on track after the (brief) slip-ups!
August 12, 2012
I so know what you mean about the ‘last supper’ factor. I feel like I’m always in last supper mode these days. I am currently researching quitting sugar and in the meantime eating every sugary thing in front of me as if it will be my last fix.
I haven’t done this for ages, but I used to absolutely love eating chocolate in the middle of the night. This was mainly during my most depressed times when I was an insomniac. Maybe I needed a hit in the middle of the night when my serotonin levels were at their lowest. Who knows.
Keeping danger foods out of the house is the key, I think. It might always be. Just like with other addictions. For example, I’d never have a packet of ciggies lying around the house. I could never be sure I wouldn’t have one if triggered.
V.
August 13, 2012
Yes, it was a lesson for me, though I guess I bought the food knowing I’d eat it all at once. The trick (for me) is just not having access to it and making some sort of concerted decision NOT to go and buy it, which I think comes with avoiding the Last Supper binge… which I avoid by NOT dieting. It’s only because lately I’ve been thinking I need to rein myself in (like you and the sugar) that I’ve been thinking about a Last Supper before ‘being really good’ again.
Sigh…
Deb