Speed and self-loathing

Thursday, April 21, 2011 Permalink

I decided today that I should be thin.  And I don’t just mean that in an ‘I shouldn’t be fat’ kind of way….

I changed jobs about six weeks ago and there are two very large women in my new workplace.  Perhaps there are more than two, but I regularly see these two and apparently they are sisters.  And god forbid, they probably see me as a kindred spirit and – worse still – I could be of a similar size.

I’m pretty sure I have already mentioned that (in a twisted and possibly misdirected self-loathing way) I look with disdain upon bigger people.  Years ago a psychologist tried to challenge my beliefs and attitudes – thinking that being less judgemental about bigger people might mean I disliked myself less.  It didn’t work.  Obviously.  I do, however, try to pull myself up when I find myself making these judgements which is exactly what I did yesterday on the train home from work.  A short though large woman sat down on the seat in front of me and words like slothful jumped into my head.  As I sat pondering my reaction, I realised that perhaps my perception of myself is not shaped by my beliefs about bigger people, but perhaps the opposite.  Perhaps my disappointment with myself and distaste for my own body impacts on how I view others.  Or, perhaps I think too much…

Back to the bigger women at work.  What I have noticed is how they ‘lumber’ or ‘lope’ about the corridors. Their movements are slow and lethargic, as if moving is difficult. I cringe when I see them walk past my office. On the other hand, I am buzzy. Although I cannot walk (when exercising) as fast as I once did (and I have written previously about how this embarasses me), my natural walking speed (talking speed, working speed) is fast.  I rush about the coridoors at work, getting impatient with those dithering in front of me.  In fact when in a hurry or stressed – which I often am in my job – I almost run about the corridors at work.

Usually people who can’t sit still and do everything at warp speed are slim.  Not fat.  Not lazy.  So then, what’s my problem?

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