I’m again joining Kirsty for her ‘I must confess’ challenge and today’s question is…. Do you feel beautiful? Why, or why not?
Eek. In my current headspace this could be a very dangerous topic and as I’m also vaguely (and occasionally) doing an alphabet challenge in April, it seems fitting that today’s letter is U. And we all know U is for UGLY.
However… I’m attempting to talk nicely to, and about, myself, so I haven’t gone that far. Instead I’m channeling girl group ‘TLC’ and talking about being ‘unpretty’.
I ‘think’ I grew up as a reasonably attractive person. I wasn’t ugly anyway. Inside or out.
But over the years I’ve worried a bit about my inside, as I seem prone to clasp to guilt and stress and – even worse – bitter resentment. Kinda.
However – cos I’m kinda superficial – it’s the outside that most concerns me.
I’m pretty sure I’ve thought this in the past, but I’m hoping this (as I am now) is as bad as it gets.
Those who read last Monday’s post will know about my ‘roadblock’ to contentment / happiness. I look in the mirror now and find it hard to identify anything beautiful or even pretty about what I see before me. Even my face now (not previously my worst feature) shows my excess weight. My skin is blemished and I’m still getting pimples though in the midst of menopause. I can’t wear makeup as my head sweats excessively, so my hair is almost always wet and sweaty.
I look at pictures of others – out and about – and can’t imagine myself there. Dressed-up, resplendent with wet hair pulled off my face in an attempt to disguise its sweatiness; and me, constantly wiping down my perspiring face.
So… do I think I’m beautiful? Nope. Not even vaguely. It sounds vain but I think I was once fairly pretty, or definitely not ugly. But now… perhaps not ugly. Just unpretty. So damn(ed) unpretty.
What about you? Are you beautiful? Inside AND out?
PS. Am not fishing for compliments or platitudes. Would prefer to hear your thoughts about YOU! x
| I’m making an attempt to get my blogging mojo back by posting EVERY day in April. #holdme
I’m going to be using prompts from a few different challenges underway. Today I’m linking up with Kirsty from My Home Truths for ‘I Must Confess’! And we’re up to the letter U on the alphabet challenge! |
April 25, 2016
Everyone looks beautiful when they have a genuine smile on their face. Except me because I now have a tooth missing and i resemble a witch. Who cares. People worry more about what they look like themselves to think about or judge others, I believe 🙂
April 25, 2016
My teeth used to be fine but I’m worried they’re yellowing now so I don’t even smile as much in photos!!!!
April 25, 2016
I know you don’t want compliments or comments to “buck you up” but I just have to, because I’ve not only seen your photo I’ve met you, and I think you are beautiful. You have a lovely welcoming smile and face and that is what I notice the most. And like Pinky says above, EVERYONE looks beautiful with a genuine smile on their face.
April 25, 2016
Ah yes… that’s true. I think I’m pretty good at being ‘up’ when I need to be, which is good. It certainly helps career-wise and networking etc… So that’s a bonus! 🙂
April 25, 2016
I think you are extremely hard on yourself and.very pretty! But I understand. Sometimes I am happy with my looks and other times they depress me and I want to dodge all mirrors.
April 25, 2016
Yes… I regret being so hard on myself when I didn’t deserve it.
April 25, 2016
There are a few photos of me out and about but only snippets never the whole picture. I just can’t stand how I look and feel right now. The thyroid condition and meds have me at my worst. A particular photo hit the social pages this week. I was at a charity event and while I usually shun the photographers at these events, for some strange reason I didn’t at this particular one. The photo made the paper and I was actually kind of ok with how I was looking. Went to order the photo to give to the friend that was in the photo with me, only to see the picture in it’s entirety with (as far as I’m concerned) me looking really bad. Kind of makes me want to go into hibernation mode. Which I’m thinking I just might do to concentrate on my health, once I get the Sydney blogger trip out of the road.
April 25, 2016
Ah yes… I was tagged in something a few weeks ago (I think) which I untagged because it was scary bad! You’d think that sort of thing would make me make some changes… but no…
April 25, 2016
Here goes…again (iPhone comment went missing). I have never met you but we’ve ‘chatted’ enough on line for me to get some idea of what you are like. Here’s how I see you…you are sassy, bright, intelligent, human, hopeful, lovely, unsure sometimes, confident other times and a wonderful human! However, …..there is always a however…I am sad. Sad because of the overriding of all I wrote about whenever I see or read recent updates because they focus on two things…your appearance and weight. These things come and go, go and come and not always when we want them to either. However…see I told you! YOU remain the you all the way. Deb, could you please….pretty please, go a lot easier on yourself and be a lot kinder to you in terms of self-talk and self-judgment. Coz lady, this is the life you have right now and there’s a pretty extraordinary person in it YOU! Love, Denyse xx
April 26, 2016
Oh thanks Denyse. That’s lovely. And I think I can – mostly – separate the physical me from the ‘other’ me. Once upon a time my issues around my weight impacted on everything I did, but now it’s more just the physical me AND how I think I’m perceived by others.
Although you’re right… I tend to focus on the negative and not the positives.
April 25, 2016
Honestly, no, I don’t think I’m beautiful (even if my husband does tell me everyday that I am). I hate my crooked teeth and my big nose. I actually recently went to see a dentist about getting Invisalign to fix my teeth but he said I’d need proper braces and I just can’t bring myself to do it. If we’re talking about beauty on the inside, well, I guess there’s lots of beauty in there.
April 26, 2016
It’s funny isn’t it, the things we focus on about ourselves? Before I got as big as I am now, I was obsessed with certain pimples / lumps / scars on my face. I used to think I’d go to a dermatologist and get them treated… though suspected they’d laugh that I was so worried about that and NOT my weight! A GF of mine used to obsess about her hairline on the back of her head. I thought it bizarre, but to her it was a big issue.
April 25, 2016
ahhhhhhhhhhh. I am going to take yer challenge question and be blunt. The outside? right now where I am in life I just dont care. I mean I DO but I feel so guilty (FIRST TIME EVER IVE USED THAT WORD :-)) Im not with my parents now helping them pack up my childhood home that I feel more ugly on the inside….it overshadows.
xo
April 26, 2016
Oh yes, I can understand that Carla – the insides eating away at the outsides. I know when something’s really playing on my mind I struggle with everything else.
April 25, 2016
It’s difficult to be in a mental place where you find it hard to accept yourself as you are right now. I guess you have two choices – you try to overcome your lifelong roadblock (which I know is not easy) so you can reach your goal or you cut yourself some slack and release yourself from the self-loathing by accepting who you are right now (also not easy). Remaining in between will keep eroding your confidence and your self-esteem. I wish I had a magic bullet to help you with this but know that we are all here to support each other – thanks for making such an honest and raw confession x
April 26, 2016
I think I’m at the point Kirsty that I realise that – in the past some of the self-loathing wasn’t warranted. I’m not saying it necessarily is now but I’m recognising that I really really really need to make some changes. Or live with the consequences. *sigh*
April 26, 2016
I grew up with four sisters and two of them are really attractive. Hard not to compare yourself in that situation and my comparison always told me that I was the smart one. I’ve never felt beautiful. Doesn’t matter what my husband or anyone else says. It’s what my insides say.
April 26, 2016
Ha! It’s funny isn’t it… I think I was the frivolous and irresponsible one growing up in my family – though there were only two of us. My brother was high-achieving in almost everything so I suspect I decided it wasn’t even worth trying to compete!
April 26, 2016
I’m not in the best head space about my looks right now. I’ve always been really thin and I never realized how much of my identity was tied up in that until I wasn’t. I’m not even technically overweight just in the upper end of the normal weight BMI and I know that in my head but when I look in the mirror all I see is flesh and it’s definitely made me unhappy. But the last week or two I’ve seen some really great posts from you and a few other people and it’s really given me a shakeup. I’m making some changes both in my habits and in my attitude and making an effort to be better about it. This was a really great post. It’s hard to be so honest and I think that has been tripping me up for awhile.
April 26, 2016
I used to have a weight loss blog Katherine (Diet Schmiet) which I eventually absorbed into here. I decided to pull the plug on it when I realised I was tired of talking about dieting or not dieting and not doing anything about it. One of the reasons I’m doing this ‘blog-every-day’ challenge is because I felt I’d lost my voice when blogging about anything other than books… and even that my book blogging had become kinda sterile.
Finding my voice means writing about more personal stuff to me. I share a lot, but still keep some stuff to myself… it can be scary but at the same time it feels good to be honest. x
April 26, 2016
I pretty sure there isn’t anyone that hasn’t had issues with their physical image at some time or another. Most of the time I don’t care less but then when I go out somewhere and dress up, it is another matter. What you are going through now is just a stage though and when it is over you will enter another. I guess we just have to accept what we have been given and learn to love it through the good, the bad and the ‘unpretty’. How you look doesn’t really matter in the big picture of who you are.
April 26, 2016
I hope so. I had a conversation yesterday with someone wondering if people in relationships as less concerned about the physical thing than singles… ie. in a relationship there is (ideally) someone who (supposedly) finds them attractive, but for those of us not… we just assume that’s not the case. Hmmm… not sure.
April 26, 2016
I used to feel fairly pretty until my husband left me last year. That put a serious wrench into my self esteem. I did not really see it coming so it took me out for a bit. I gained weight and let myself fall apart. Now that I am trying to get back to some version of my former self, I still struggle with feeling pretty.
April 26, 2016
Oh that would be difficult. I’m glad you’re rediscovering yourself though! xx