It is Monday 24 January 2011 here in Oz.  We are 24 days into the new year and I have started about 10 diets since 2011 dawned.  Of course, because the state of my mind and my body calls for drastic action, most of these have been no / low carb diets which (in the past anyway – albeit the distant past) worked for me.  I need some results.  Stat.  But, I only seem to last a few days and then something (and it could be anything) occurs and provides sufficient reason for me to ‘break’ the diet.  And, of course although I tell myself that the dieting departure will be brief, because I am a binge eater from way back… even a few days off can see me regain several kilos.  I am probably heavier than I have been for a while.  The result of evil overeating.  You know the kind; not just involving eating too much at dinner time, but eating a kilo of frozen chips, on top of chocolate and other things.  Eating until you feel incredibly sick and the only place you feel comfortable is in the bathtub.  That kind of eating.  So, here I am at the beginning of yet another week, feeling bloated and porky.  And unhappy.  Obviously.  Not to mention guilt-ridden.

I have analysed and overanalysed my behaviour to death.  I am now 43 years old.  Single and unhappy.  Why is this not sufficient to motivate myself to even try to stick to a diet?  Or even a healthy eating plan for God’s sake!  I try to tell myself that even if I can hold strong on a no/low carb diet for a few weeks it will make a difference.  On seeing some results I should be able to get the strength (motivation) to go on and continue with a more sensible eating plan.  In a few months I could fit into old clothes, feel better and be healthier.  I ask myself why I cannot get the motivation I need to do that; why my need for instant gratification (ie. whatever unhealthy thing I feel compelled to put into my mouth) overtakes longer term goals.  Why can I not see that ‘some’ short term pain is necessary (and reasonable), for long term gain – ie. a happier, healthier me.

At the Fat Camp I went to a couple of years ago, the owner sprouted the ‘nothing tastes as good as being slim feels’ adage.  I don’t know how to stop this behaviour.  No matter how committed I believe I am to dieting (or eating healthily, or Weight Watchers – and so forth), I quit at the first chance.  I justify it to myself in the same way I convince myself that the next diet I start will be THE ONE.  The one that works.  In my daydreams I have lost 30-40kgs.  People are in awe.  I wear whatever I want.  I am fit and healthy.  In my dreams!

In reality I cannot resist buying the bottle of red wine, or the bag of chocolates, or the potatoes.  I seem to be incapable of making short term sacrifices for the life I dream of leading.