I’ve finally read the book. 50 Shades of Grey, that is. I won’t talk about what I thought of it here and haven’t decided if I’ll do that in my Debbish blog, cos it’s hard to think of something to say which hasn’t yet been said (**update** of course I bloody wrote about it. I cannot help myself!).
So, this post isn’t about a charismatic wealthy man and the virginal (though mouthy) ingenueย – and yes, 50 Shades of Grey does sound like a 1980s Mills and Boon novel and yes, it’s been done before. Girl thinks she can tame (and change) bad boy. As I’ve only read the first of the three novels I’m yet to know – but would be very surprised – if she’s able to do it. Leopards, spots and all that.
Rather, this post is about moderation. It’s about moving away from all / nothing and black / white thinking. It’s about shades of grey.
I’ve confessed many (many MANY) times to my all or nothing approach to… well, everything. But, I’m starting to think that’s changing.
I don’t feel I’ve had a huge number of successes lately. There have been some positives: my exercise had been going well; and by not-dieting, I hadn’t been bingeing. However (there always being a flip-side), my non-dieting approach has meant my weight has actually increased a little.
Regular readers of this blog will know that I’ve mostly been working on my mindset over recent months – trying to find some sustainable approach to live an enjoyable life WHILE maintaining the weight I’ve lost and losing more.
It’s been a struggle. Sometimes I feel I’m going nowhere. Fast.
But… in the last few weeks I’ve noticed an unexpected change. Firstly it started with having stitches after getting something cut out of my back. I tried to continue exercising but exacerbated the healing and caused an infection. I sat down to write a post, wallowing in self-pity and guilt at my inability to exercise for a week or so. But… after the words started flowing I realised that I actually wasn’t that worried. In fact, I felt pretty confident that I’d be back into my exercise regime in no time. (Little did I know I’d then be struck down with a cold/flu – but that’s another story.)
The lack of exercise, some uncertainty in my working life and (what ended up being) THAT time of the month meant that this time last week I wrote that I was feeling very ‘meh’, for the want of a better word AND I ended up bingeing after two months of avoiding my danger foods.
Naturally I felt compelled to confess all here. But again I was surprised. Sure, I regretted my choices, but instead of being racked with guilt I was prepared to shrug off the binge, learning from my decision rather than castigating myself for it. In some ways, rather than being numb throughout the process it was almost as if I was watching it happen; watching the decisions I was making and shaking my head in exasperation but not berating myself for my weakness.
After these recent posts I received lovely supportive comments. And it was when responding that I was able to acknowledge that PERHAPS my black / white thinking was (in fact) dissipating; perhaps I was becoming more moderate in my approach to my health, exercise, dieting and life in general.
I know that’s not going to necessarily help me lose weight and reach a healthy size and shape, BUT I like to think it means I’m continuing to evolve in some way.
I know that I tend to spend a lot of time navel-gazing with little personal growth to show for it. I generally know what I SHOULD be doing and thinking, but I’m rarely able to walk the talk. But… this shift in my thinking that I’m starting to notice surely means I’m not a lost cause. There is hope for me. Yet.
Are you a black/white thinker; or can you see shades of grey?
August 18, 2012
reading your posts over the last few months, there is definitely a changed thought pattern coming through…perhaps you are becoming more, gulp moderating! In photography it is 16% grey- that neutral point on which you focus in order to expose everything else perfectly.
August 18, 2012
I love what you say about photography Jo… focusing on the grey to get clarity elsewhere. Hmmm….
August 18, 2012
I am shades of grey all the way.
I am glad you a shift in thinking , especially to affirm you do have hope in you.
August 18, 2012
Thanks for your comment Trish and I envy your greyness! But… as you said, it’s good that my thinking is changing (it’s only taken 40 years!).
Deb
August 18, 2012
Hi Deb!! I used to be a very strict black/white thinker. I was very judgmental of myself and often others. Through the many years of college and graduate school, therapy, living in Moscow, living in Jelgava, and finding my roots all over again back in my home city… I have learned to really see the grey and I can live with and in it peacefully. That is not to say that I always like it, but it is what it is and I will always do my best to make sure that I am as much at peace with it as I can be. Life moves on.
One thing I’ve been saying lately when it just isn’t panning out and I have to radjust and I want to have a bit of a tantrum is this “What will I think of this in 2yrs? …5yrs? …10yrs?” If that doesn’t work or if I am planning something with someone else and it falls through or it doesn’t go how “I” wat it to… I say (sometimes even to them) “That’s okay, it’s not like I am going to get to my death bed an regret that I didn’t get to do ‘X'”…for example my friend and I were talking about kids. I’ve always wanted them, but the direction my life is taking… it appears that my two cats are as good as its going to get. So I told my friend… “You know, it’s not like when I die, I’m going to be upset because I never got to experience 24 hours of back labor.” It just helps to reframe it so that you can swallow it a bit better – you know?
That is my grey trick for those specific types of scenarios…
August 19, 2012
Hi Runa and thanks for the tip. I’ve heard of the ‘will this matter in a week/month/year/decade’ thing before but haven’t thought of applying it to all situations!
Deb
August 19, 2012
I think you know my answer ๐ Also? I see a lot of personal growth on these pages and why wouldn’t a shift in thinking result in weight loss? Our thoughts become our reality. Remember my wine-belly post? Well, I am still on the fence…but I own it. I am neither beating myself up over it, nor am I in denial. I see my habit for what it is how it may be affecting my ability to lose bulk around my midsection. But I can’t seem to get clear on giving it up. So right now, my lack of commitment on this particular front is my reality. And that’s okay…for now.
August 19, 2012
I guess I am a bit disappointed that the shift in thinking hasn’t translated into weightloss… that’s very true. But perhaps it’s like you say, I’m ‘owning’ it now.
Deb
August 20, 2012
As I look at my response, it seems weird…I think what I meant to say is that sometimes it takes a while for a mindset shift to result in weight loss…
August 20, 2012
Hmmm… Karen, patience isn’t really a virtue of mine – sadly. (I’m all about instant gratification! I should be a Gen-Yer!)
August 19, 2012
What a good question..
There are a couple of issues where I am stubbornly and immovably Black and White but in everything else I am 350 shades of Grey. So much more than when I was in my early twenties and knew everything! I think having 4 kids, one of whom has Aspergers, I have learnt that there are no rules, often no rhyme or reason to events and situations and you just have to roll with the punches, dust yourself off and keep moving forward. I am much happier in my own skin, much more comfortable with my life and right to make choices.. I like where I’m sitting now.
August 19, 2012
Lisa, I definitely love that zen-like approach and hope that I can continue to expand on my greyness. I like the notion of rolling with the punches and owning the decisions you make. Very important.
Deb
August 19, 2012
Your shift in mindset is very inspiring, Deb. Your honesty on the blog has shown us readers just how much change is possible.
August 19, 2012
Thanks Julia. As I said to Karen, I’m a bit disappointed it hasn’t resulted in weightloss but perhaps I’m working on other stuff at the moment (there’s a bit happening around my worklife which is occupying me!).
Deb
August 19, 2012
Hi Deb! Well, I just wrote a blog post related to this issue. Perfectionism is severely limiting. When I decided that I didn’t care anymore about what people thought at the gym, it freed me to get much better. And there is research that backs up that growth goals produce much better results than performance goals. (Details in my post.) But it is just much more fun to explore than to worry about conquering everything. I honestly have a lot more fun and many more friends because I’m willing to have bloopers in front of others. And I just love learning who I am when I struggle. I honestly love the Marion who struggles a lot and fights for what she wants. Strangely, that’s probably one of my favorite things about myself.
Regarding the book, I really don’t get why everyone’s reading this now. Seriously, were there women who hadn’t read a really raunchy book before???
๐ Marion
August 19, 2012
I will check out your post Marion – I relapsed a bit with my cold / flu today so spent most of the day in bed.
The perfectionism thing is still an issue for me. I’ve had a bit of time off exercise over the past 3 weeks (back thing and now cold/flu) so am worried about my fitness and feel like I need to make excuses / justify my decreased fitness to others so I don’t feel like a failure!!! (Thinking which I know is just WRONG!)
Deb
August 20, 2012
Marion – I’m a bit the same regarding the book. It’s not like the woman invented Erotica for women.. can’t really understand all the fuss, I’ve read book one, and was pretty ho-hum about it, can’t be bothered with 2 & 3
August 20, 2012
Lisa, I do agree with you and Marion, can’t understand the fuss though was v.turned off (no pun intended!) by the submissive stuff.
Deb
August 20, 2012
I’m a compete shades of grey thinker..until it comes to me..then its all black and white. I like to make things as difficult as possible…
August 20, 2012
I could be a bit like that Michelle… I’m more zen when it doesn’t relate to me and isn’t about me succeeding / failing!
Deb
August 20, 2012
Deb, depends on the situation for me ๐ Loved your review on your other blog – the book was a bit of a yawn fest for me ๐
x
August 20, 2012
Someone on Twitter commented that I was the only person they knew who didn’t love the book?! I’ve read heaps of negativity around it. (Mostly about the writing, but that’s probably cos I follow a lot of writers etc.)
Deb
August 24, 2012
Deb, first of all sorry it took me so long to comment, I read the other day but didn’t comment! I think it’s great that you are seeing more sides to your weight loss journey, because that’s what it is, a journey. You have to leave room to learn the lessons along the way! x
August 25, 2012
Hi Lauren and thanks for your comment. I know… I try not to use the word ‘journey’ (flashbacks to reality TV shows) but it’s true. There’s no other way to describe it. And yes, I’m constantly learning….
Deb