Self sabotage

Tuesday, December 21, 2010 Permalink

I was feeling good earlier today.  Not great, but good.  I was back on track yesterday and had a low (almost no) carbohydrates day.  I was pleasantly surprised to find that I was still under 124kgs on my scales despite my weekend of treats.  I (somewhat smugly) congratulated myself that I had been a bit better behaved than usual over the weekend.  Perhaps I had turned a corner. I thought.

Then I was up early this morning and went to pilates before work.  And as I later wandered from the bus stop to my office I noticed that I didn’t feel bloated for a change.  My stomach actually felt flat and I felt strong.  Of course I did realise I was still about 40kgs overweight and I wasn’t suddenly lithe and lean… but I felt better and told myself that the feeling would keep me motivated.

But then we had a work lunch.  I wasn’t unhealthy as such.  We had Japanese and I had a small amount of rice with my beef bento box.  Naughty naughty.  I felt very ordinary afterwards, though I suspect that was because I may have consumed some hidden gluten (I am coeliac) in the event the beef was sauteed in soy sauce baste or something…

Yet, despite some residual guilt, all was not lost.  I met a friend for a walk after work and we exercised for nearly an hour.  And then I went shopping.  Lunchtime naughtiness in my mind; the old irrational thinking kicked in and – at some point in the supermarket – I decided I had already been naughty today so I might as well continue.  And – of course – I decided that I would be ‘good’ and back on track tomorrow so I might as well burn all of my bridges today.

Not me. Obviously.

Several hours later I feel ill from eating a large bag of corn chips with dip.  I even broke open a large box of mini Toblerones (I was supposed to take somewhere for Christmas).  So now I feel bloated and full. And I probably won’t sleep because my stomach is too uncomfortable.

Damn damn damn.  It is my own fault of course.  And I am disappointed with myself.  I had any number of moments to stop myself.  There were all sorts of ponderings and postulations.  But I told myself the shops would be closed on the weekend (being Christmas and all) so I wouldn’t be able to buy corn chips for my  usual weekend corn chip treat.  And I couldn’t possibly miss out.  Could I? And of course by buying them today I knew I wouldn’t be able to leave them until the weekend.  God I am weak.  And pathetic.  Really!

Even writing this I am confronted by my language.  Naughty.  Good.  Weak. Strong.  Rather than healthy or unhealthy.

But I get so frustrated with myself.  I keep ruining things.  I was telling my walking partner tonight that I didn’t fit into any work clothes and am slobbing about in things I wouldn’t wear if I had more of a choice.  I was reminded of coming home from fat camp last year, having lost 15kgs in a month – although still overweight (110kgs) I finally fit into some funky designer stuff I had bought (thinking it was my size, when it obviously hadn’t been).  I felt so good. I could be ME.  I could dress like ME.

So then when I put on 25kgs in such a short time I was overwhelmed with regret and angry at myself.  Angry, annoyed, disappointed.  How could I do that to myself AGAIN?  What a wasted effort.  Why oh why can I not maintain some momentum?  Some motivation?  Why why why must I constantly sabotage my successes?

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