Selective memory

Friday, October 8, 2010 Permalink

Only one more day until weigh-in.  The numbers on the scale this week have gone nowhere and I am still about what I was last week.  Which was 600g more than the week before – AND I had all sorts of excuses as to why that was.  As a result, I expected a good loss this week.  And yet, nada….

I can’t help but wonder why I am so astounded though.  I think I have a case of selective memory.  I am wallowing in frustration because I feel like I’ve been good(ish).  Well, not good, but okay.  But have I?  Really?  It is true I have been under points for the last 3 days.  But I went over points (didn’t really count points) for the first 2-3 days of the week.  I was home sick and consoled myself with food.  As you do.

So is it really any surprise that the scales haven’t budged at all?  How easily we can fool ourselves. 

I cannot articulate how depressed this current weight loss (or otherwise, as the case may be) journey is making me.  After what seems like such a long time, I have barely lost any weight. 

On the one hand I am wondering why I am still going.  My non-working hours are spent obsessing about what I can eat.  Or what I can’t.  The Weight Watchers ‘diet that isn’t a diet, but is a lifestyle’ is all-encompassing in my life.  And I constantly feel deprived.  And what do I have to show for it?  I mean really?  I generally just feel like giving up.  Eating what I want, when I want and at least getting some enjoyment out of life.

But then sometimes I feel completely desperate.  I had decided to have one more try for a child, but how can I do that at this weight?  Any fertility specialist would laugh me out of the room while I look like this.  And, the notion of a relationship is completely out of the question.  I can’t visualise it at all, and I don’t just mean now – because I obviously wouldn’t entertain the idea while I look like this.  I am thinking forever.  Never again.  I can’t make the leap.  I am only 42 years old.  So, the fact that I don’t feel it is on the cards should be enough to motivate me to do something.  When the desperation creeps in, this current weight loss attempt feels futile.  My mind leaps to other options.  A quick fix.  But what?  I don’t want surgery.  I have tried fat camp.  Low and no carb diets.  So… as I can barely muster the motivation to meet with my Weight Watchers consultant in just over a day, I ponder on the alternatives.

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