Wednesday is weigh-in day on my weight loss program. And each Wednesday morning I wake up and lie there in terror until I can pluck up the courage to set foot on the scales.
While I lie there quivering in fear, I flick through Facebook updates and tweets to see how everyone else on my program (across Australia / the world) has done.
I must confess (I say that like it’s a bad thing) that my results so far have been generally good. I’ve had losses every week and am losing at a sustainable and sensible rate (I think and hope). But before getting out of bed last week I read some tweets from those on my program who hadn’t done as well as they would have liked. Immediately the camaraderie kicked in. I, along with others, offered words of encouragement and commiseration.
Then I got on the scales. I was actually happy with my loss. Stoked actually. Initially.
I say ‘initially’, because then I bloody well did it again. I looked across the street to see how everyone else was going. And rather than NOT compare myself to anyone, or compare my results to someone who hadn’t done as well as they’d hoped, of course I compared myself to the freaks that had done amazingly well. I was – in all seriousness – ecstatic at having lost 16.1kg in 9.5 weeks until…. I read the results of those who’d done better. Shit, why oh why do I do it to myself! So, then rather than bask in the glory (and astonishment) of my 1.8kg loss, I started wondering what I’d done wrong. Why haven’t I lost 18 – 20kg in 10 weeks, I wondered.
Then of course I start to get annoyed at myself for: not exercising hard enough; going a bit over calories one day; having cereal for breakfast too often. Etcetera etcetera.
And yet, if anyone else sends a depressed tweet or worries about something they ate, I tell them not to worry. Get back on that horse, I say, you’ve been doing really well other than that. But when it comes to myself, I’m nowhere near as generous.
I’ve written recently about NOT comparing myself to others; and this struck me more than ever last week… that I just need to be the best ME I can be. I need to treat myself as I would treat others. AND I need to stop the fat talk! None of this behaviour is new, or is a surprise. I’ve obviously written about it before and I KNOW I do it.
My mind immediately jumps to the wrong place and I find myself feeling flat before I have a chance to talk myself out of it. I like to think I’m improving… but it’s a slow process….