Running my own race

Wednesday, August 3, 2011 Permalink

Wednesday is weigh-in day on my weight loss program. And each Wednesday morning I wake up and lie there in terror until I can pluck up the courage to set foot on the scales.

While I lie there quivering in fear, I flick through Facebook updates and tweets to see how everyone else on my program (across Australia / the world) has done.


I must confess (I say that like it’s a bad thing) that my results so far have been generally good. I’ve had losses every week and am losing at a sustainable and sensible rate (I think and hope). But before getting out of bed last week I read some tweets from those on my program who hadn’t done as well as they would have liked. Immediately the camaraderie kicked in. I, along with others, offered words of encouragement and commiseration.

Then I got on the scales. I was actually happy with my loss. Stoked actually. Initially.

I say ‘initially’, because then I bloody well did it again. I looked across the street to see how everyone else was going. And rather than NOT compare myself to anyone, or compare my results to someone who hadn’t done as well as they’d hoped, of course I compared myself to the freaks that had done amazingly well. I was – in all seriousness – ecstatic at having lost 16.1kg in 9.5 weeks until…. I read the results of those who’d done better. Shit, why oh why do I do it to myself!  So, then rather than bask in the glory (and astonishment) of my 1.8kg loss, I started wondering what I’d done wrong. Why haven’t I lost 18 – 20kg in 10 weeks, I wondered.

Then of course I start to get annoyed at myself for: not exercising hard enough; going a bit over calories one day; having cereal for breakfast too often. Etcetera etcetera.

And yet, if anyone else sends a depressed tweet or worries about something they ate, I tell them not to worry. Get back on that horse, I say, you’ve been doing really well other than that. But when it comes to myself, I’m nowhere near as generous.

I’ve written recently about NOT comparing myself to others; and this struck me more than ever last week… that I just need to be the best ME I can be. I need to treat myself as I would treat others. AND I need to stop the fat talk! None of this behaviour is new, or is a surprise. I’ve obviously written about it before and I KNOW I do it.

My mind immediately jumps to the wrong place and I find myself feeling flat before I have a chance to talk myself out of it.  I like to think I’m improving… but it’s a slow process….

  • Fitbydons
    August 3, 2011

    You are slowly understanding that you have to be kind to yourself, to look at what you HAVE achieved as opposed to comparing to others and concentrating on what you think you have failed at. The one thing this trip will teach you is NOT about weight loss, it is all about how much you love and respect yourself, your body and mind. Once those are all balanced you will notice that you won’t beat yourself up as much, your lifestyle will be a healthy one, and not an emotional rollercoaster that just keeps going up and down. I think Round 3 you are going to have major breakthroughs!

    • rockafellaskank
      August 3, 2011

      Thanks Donna. I have to admit I’m surprised at how motivated I am re Round 3 (round 2 for me). I know I still need to do a lot of work on the mindset issues, but am feeling really excited.


  • Liz N
    August 3, 2011

    Hi Deb,
    As you know, weight loss is not linear, so sometimes the scales won’t reflect an imminent drop particularly if you’re only weighing in once a week.
    If all of the above behaviours are lifestyle (ie what you’ll happily do the rest of your life) then no need to panic.
    Liz 🙂

  • ClaireS
    August 3, 2011

    Hiya Deb

    I’ve just spent the last 2 days reading through your blog start to finish. Can I just say hoolydooly your mind set has improved SO MUCH over the last 11 weeks!!

    Sure, you still might feel like close enough isn’t good enough, but wow you’re not punishing yourself on here, you’re not wheeling and dealing with food and points and you really do sound like you’re learning lessons that are setting you on a track for success for forever.

    Maybe it’s worth having a reread of how you dealt with losses and gains this time last year, and how amazingly well you are doing with your mindset now.
    1 week left of the official 12 weeks – be proud because wow have you had some crazy awesome success, and wow you are going to keep having the success.

    As an aside, thank you for your honesty in your blog, and for blogging the positive and the negative – I know at one point you mention it is cathartic for you, well, it’s also a huge relief for your readers to know they’re not the only ones having the same thoughts, the same highs, the same lows…My mindset is back on track, thank you so much.

    Claire S

    • rockafellaskank
      August 3, 2011

      Wow Claire, thank you so much for your lovely comments and what an excellent idea for me – reading back over my blogs… I might start that tonight. God, I cringe when I think of the ones I wrote last year while doing Weight Watchers as my head was never in the right space. I think I lost 6-8kg and got stuck, whereas I leapt past that very point (and weight) this time around. I was actually just thinking about that this morning as I lay in bed…. the fact that just a month or so ago I DREAMT of getting under 120 and felt like it was an impossibility. And here I am, just a few kgs off 110kg! Hopefully at some point in the near future I’ll be saying that about the dreaded 3-digit point (100kg).

      You’re absolutely right about looking back as I think seeing how far I’ve come might help keep me motivated.



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