Resilience

Friday, September 2, 2011 Permalink

Re·sil·ience – n. 1. The ability to recover quickly from illness, change, or misfortune; buoyancy.

Hmph! Today I get a big F for FAIL. And for FUCKED UP. Cos I did. Both of them.

Career ResilienceAlthough the day started well, things began to look bleak during a conversation at work about the person coming into the job I applied for (ie. job I wanted which was more money and would allow me to stay with this organisation for 3-5 years). Thankfully the person doesn’t start for a couple of months, but I have six months left on my temporary contract which means we will cross over for some time. The new job will include part of mine (long term) and part of someone else’s (plus a bit extra). Already I’m wondering how we can divvy up my work – although I know my boss likes me and wants to keep me around and happy.

Nevertheless, with him away we started discussions about where this person will sit when they arrive etc. That alone was a harsh reminder that things will be changing… which got me to pondering on my own future and the fact that (sometime in the next six months) I will need to find and secure a new job. I do have one elsewhere to go back to – but have no desire to do so (ie. I would rather gnaw my arm off than return there).

Then… things looked up. A long meeting finished early and I was scoffing my leftovers for lunch while surfing the internet when my phone rang. It was my Real Estate Agent who has thankfully calmed down a lot since her almost-daily visits when my place first went onto the market. The contract I signed on my place a week ago goes unconditional from next Friday, settling (ie. requiring me to move) two weeks after that. The building inspection and valuation went well this week, so things have been looking more positive and I’d finally realised that I may well be moving soon – though not counting my chickens for another week yet. But, all was going smoothly so I was starting to get a bit nervous because I have nowhere to move to. I haven’t found my (next) dream house and didn’t really want to rush into something (when I am going to be plonking down about $650k I don’t want to do it on a whim and live to regret it!). So… I’d reconciled myself to the fact that I may have had to rent for a few months. Which brings me back to my lunchtime internet surfing and a sense of relief that there appeared to be a few rental properties of interest which weren’t TOO expensive.

ehMeanwhile…. back to the phone call. My Agent was calling to see if I’d heard from the solicitor dealing with the contract. “No,” I responded nervously. And then she launched into it. Apparently my solicitor rang her to say that he’d received a letter from the buyer’s solicitor saying they were withdrawing their offer – for financial reasons. Now, my Agent thought it was a done deal, so she’s very suspicious about what might have happened and apparently they can’t get any clarification. Either way I have to go through with my Open House tomorrow – scheduled to be my last. My contract with the current Real Estate company finishes on Sunday and all along I’d intended to pull my place off the market if it didn’t sell in that time.

When I still hoped to get the other job I’d contemplated renting this place out and buying a new place (as well). But… everything went to hell in a handbasket when I didn’t get the job. But then this offer came in and I no longer had to worry. And now… it’s up in the air again. Just when I’d readied myself to move on, it looks like I’ll be staying after all.

I felt quite calm while on the phone with my Agent. “Oh well, whatever….” I said. And then it hit me. That. Everything. I kept thinking of my ‘Being grateful’ post from a couple of days ago, in which I said I was no longer going to feel sorry for myself. And yet…. what did I do? I wanted to cry. I wanted to fall in a big heap.

Instead I decided to leave work early. Enroute to the train station – with minimal consideration – I called in for junk food. I bought chips I don’t even like that much, and three bags of the bloody things. I wanted caramello koalas, but had to settle for caramel buttons instead. On arrival home I changed into comfortable clothes (ie. read elastic waisted pants) and settled down in front of the television. Within an hour the three bags of chips had gone, along with half of the packet of caramel buttons. The chips weren’t very enjoyable. The buttons were, though I was a bit full by the time I was pushing them down.

I’m tempted to also buy wine for tonight and continue on my merry way, BUT am telling myself that I won’t buy more junk food. I will cook some fish and have some potatoes. Perhaps I will have wine, but I will buy a limited amount because – in this frame of mind I could go crazy and I’m too old for hangovers.

So there you have it. A confession or sorts. Once upon a time I would have hidden the binge and written some up-beat post about something inconsequential. This time I tweeted it before it happened. Did I want someone to convince me to not go through with it? Perhaps. But I was pretty much resolved from the moment I walked out of my workplace. It’s been building for a while. I probably DO regret I didn’t waste the calories on things I love more (corn chips, Chinese and the like). But… what’s done is done. I can’t promise I won’t finish the buttons later. Or that I won’t have some wine tonight, or too many potatoes. But… hopefully in my next post I will have gotten this out of my system and be ready to move on.

The lesson for me is that I still need to work on my coping mechanisms. I’m frankly just a bit OVER everything at the moment. I want something good to happen. BUT having said all of that, I need to remind myself that – even with the: not getting job, house crap, father being sick, being single and alone – I still have it better than others. And… interestingly, as well as a confession I feel like I am writing this post requesting some kind of absolution. From you. That also shows I have a long way to go because just days ago I ALSO wrote a post about commitment and in that I said I was losing weight and getting healthy for ME. No one else. So it seems it’s myself I need to forgive.

13 Comments
  • m3lly78
    September 2, 2011

    hey, dont beat yourself up too much. Actually, beat yourself up for 5 minutes and then move on! whats done is done. at least you realise why you did what you did so thats a step in the right direction!

    you remind me so much of me, I was smiling while reading, while thinking of all the times Ive done something just.like.that. and feeling bad for you because of you shitty day.

    I just watched the video for task #6 and am *thinking* about my kitchen and how much stuff I need to get rid of in prep for my first foray into 12WBT….

    tomorrow is another day…

    • rockafellaskank
      September 2, 2011

      Thanks for the encouragement. I wasn’t quite as evil with alcohol as I thought I might be tonight and HOPEFULLY all will be good tomorrow. I haven’t done the latest task yet, but it is probably timely!

      Deb

  • J.
    September 2, 2011

    double/triple whammy days are rough. I think the 2nd half of this says it all as you allude to at the end
    http://shannonsprinciples.wordpress.com/2011/07/27/choices-and-forgiveness-it-is-all-your-choice/

    • rockafellaskank
      September 2, 2011

      J, I did go and look at Shannon’s post and it was PERFECT for me today. I left a comment there and mentioned you referred me. You’re right. I need to acknowledge what’s happened, forgive myself and move on. I’ve lived in the past too much and need to look forward.

      Deb

      • J.
        September 2, 2011

        yea, it’s a pretty good post. I probably link it like once a week. Glad it helped.

  • Min
    September 2, 2011

    Oh dammit Janet what a bummer about the contract on your house! *bigg huggs* Things happen for a reason they say – maybe the next offer will be bigger and better! As to your comfort eating reaction….its a hard thing to break and the first step (I would think – I’m no expert here) is recognising it for what it is and then coming up with strategies/options for alternatives that still fulfill the need but in a less caloric way (lol)…for the next time that type of situation occurs etc. On saying that – I cant talk because for the first time since starting my own weight loss journey (Jan 2011) I find myself in a real slump. I’m feeling down, i’m not motivated (and yes I know that word is a big no no) – my focus and determination to reach for my goals is not there. I’ve lost my mojo! I have b’camp tomorrow and I’m scared. I’m not feeling strong, I’m not feeling fit. In fact I feel quite lazy and lethargic!! I know that since the end of last round instead of continuing to lose weight like I have between previous rounds – I’ve gained some weight. Whilst I’ve continued with the proper nutrition at meal times….some snacking has crept in (something I do when I’m down) (been having my childhood fav comfort food – sao’s and vegemite) and I have not been exercising (apart from pilates once/week). Dont know where that mojo went but I bloody well hope I can find it again. For me – I’m thinking that I am going to try and find positives from times like this……..use it as an opportunity to analyse myself and work myself out…. to try and understand what sends me into this mindset, what keeps me there and what gets me out. Not saying your situation is the same as mine…but the same approach could be used for any situation that is not ideal and that we want to change. So we both have some lingering issues to wade through (as do many, many others!!) I still reckon we’re champions tho coz we are trying, we’ve both lost weight, we’re trying new things, were recognising our weeknesses and celebrating our strengths. I’m going to b’camp tomorrow even tho I dont want to. Why? Coz I want to find my mojo again and if I dont get back on the horse it might just bolt. Good on you for writing so honestly and descriptively on your blog. I enjoy reading your blogs, particularly because you remind me so much of myself and my sisters. Reading them has inadvertantly helped me to pause, reflect, and open up a bit also and so now everyone that reads your blog will know that Min has lost her mojo! Hope you have a wonderful weekend 🙂

    • rockafellaskank
      September 2, 2011

      Thanks so much Min. I have to say, it was cathartic writing today’s post, because usually I don’t admit to that sort of stuff… and part of me thought about not posting it all – rather than admitting to what I had done.

      You’ve also had a stressful time of late, so you need to be gentle on yourself as well – but you’re right, we need to celebrate our achievements, focus on the positives and move on.

      The house-thing has just drifted along in the background for a couple of months now and I joke that I am stressed about the little things, but realise that the elephant in the room (sale of house) has been playing on my mind a lot more than I have thought. But… I need to not catastrophise. All is not lost etc

      I HAD been planning to continue my househunting tomorrow (so couldn’t go to bootcamp), though could probably contemplate it now. It is my last Open House (before contract ends with current Agent – and I give ‘selling’ a rest for a while) so… less need to continue to new-home search.

      Deb

      • Min
        September 3, 2011

        Deb – I survived bootcamp. I made the mistake though of eating breakfast just before I left and therefore had several moments of feeling like I was going to throw up and hence had to stop a couple of times. A couple of lessons were learned – (1) do not eat a normal sized brekky before bootcamp – either have it at least 1.5 hrs before session (advice from Victor) or just have a light snack before leaving (2) it was worth making myself go to be reminded that exercise IS food for the brain – it DID lift my mood and it DID energise me 🙂

        • rockafellaskank
          September 4, 2011

          Congratulations on going!!! Now that the house-hunting is probably over, my Saturdays will be free again – so I’ll have no excuses!

  • Julia
    September 2, 2011

    Uh, the whole thing sucks. I usually try to comment about YOU, but today I feel that sharing some of my personal experiences might help.

    I know, for myself, I eat crap when bad stuff happens because no one can stop me. Also, I’ve been working on my weight loss for two months and have had very slow progress – 4 lbs. But, I’ve done so much emotional work and feel that I just understand myself so much better. Blogging about this little blip is your way of understanding yourself. We don’t change over night, and some things about us never change, we just have to learn how to manage our darker side – esp. when it comes to binge eating shitty food, because that craving will probably never go away (it hasn’t for me)…

    And I know what you mean when you say you are alone, but you aren’t alone. We are here for you!

    • rockafellaskank
      September 3, 2011

      Thanks Julia and the support I get from the blogging (and virtual – Twitter, FB) world is amazing! Someone else commented via Twitter that their binges remain but are WAY less catastrophic…. ie. now they might eat a small bag of chips when they are feeling low (so not really a ‘binge’ at all, but something they might not usually eat). I would LOVE to get to that stage!

      Deb

  • Liz@LastChanceTraining
    September 4, 2011

    Hi Deb, if it’s any consolation we’ve all been there at one point or another – it’s a learning experience – what feelings precipitate it, what other strategies could you develop for next time (there will be sometime down the track, just as it is for me) – for me, over time, it’s just become less and less of an issue – I pick myself up and get on with it.
    Big hug (they’re calorie free)
    Liz 🙂

  • rockafellaskank
    September 4, 2011

    I have to say Liz, that the binge lasted for less time than it once would have… AND once upon a time I would have used the blow-out to justify continuing it throughout the weekend – telling myself I’d get back on track on Monday.

    But, as I wandered around the grocery store on Saturday morning, I looked at chocolates and thought…”No, not allowed.” And moved on. So… perhaps I am slowly on the improve and did learn something from the experience.

    By the way, I’m enjoying your Self-Love posts, though was barely home on the weekend, so will catch up properly over next couple of days!

    Deb

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