Bugger bugger bugger.  Just ate pizza.  About 8 pieces.  I note I write that as if it was some sort of accident.  Oops, I slipped and …..

I went out earlier hoping that, once out and about, I would motivate myself to do some of the things on my ‘to-do’ list… but alas, all I did was take a DVD back and buy some more wine.  As I drove past the supermarket (which stocks my corn chips) and my favourite Chinese store, I did a little mental ‘please don’t let me go and buy…‘.  Of course I wasn’t sure then, whether I was relieved or not, when I kept driving.  Obviously not, as I got home and went online to order pizza, even though I don’t actually like pizza that much and wasn’t that hungry.

Nevertheless, my (ultimately) fruitless pleas made me contemplate the ‘pleading’ itself. 

I am actually agnostic, but as I am getting on the scales each time, I think, ‘Please God, let me have lost x kilos’, similarly today ‘please don’t let me buy….‘.  I suspect these unconscious mutterings are informative in terms of my psyche or my beliefs – ie. that these things are not within my control; that someone other than me controls my thinking, my behaviour, my life, my fate. 

If only I had come to that conclusion when I was still in therapy (for my eating disorders) I could have had some answers….