Bugger bugger bugger. Just ate pizza. About 8 pieces. I note I write that as if it was some sort of accident. Oops, I slipped and …..
I went out earlier hoping that, once out and about, I would motivate myself to do some of the things on my ‘to-do’ list… but alas, all I did was take a DVD back and buy some more wine. As I drove past the supermarket (which stocks my corn chips) and my favourite Chinese store, I did a little mental ‘please don’t let me go and buy…‘. Of course I wasn’t sure then, whether I was relieved or not, when I kept driving. Obviously not, as I got home and went online to order pizza, even though I don’t actually like pizza that much and wasn’t that hungry.
Nevertheless, my (ultimately) fruitless pleas made me contemplate the ‘pleading’ itself.
I am actually agnostic, but as I am getting on the scales each time, I think, ‘Please God, let me have lost x kilos’, similarly today ‘please don’t let me buy….‘. I suspect these unconscious mutterings are informative in terms of my psyche or my beliefs – ie. that these things are not within my control; that someone other than me controls my thinking, my behaviour, my life, my fate.
If only I had come to that conclusion when I was still in therapy (for my eating disorders) I could have had some answers….