I’m still struggling. In case you were wondering.

My great plan of trialling local gyms in order to select one to join was a fizzer. Neither I tried really ‘did’ it for me. Neither had many classes I liked (I need cardio classes, perhaps with some Pump/weights) and I didn’t get any sense of ‘belonging’ at either of them.

I’m doing the occasional Zumba class with the oldies, which I started when I first moved here a few months ago and TRYING to go on some walks.

So, in terms of my exercise I’ve fallen in a bit of a heap since moving. I have certainly lost my exercise mojo and hitting a gym 4-5 times a week seems like a long distant memory. Indeed I’m struggling to get motivated to go on a walk.

I remember the last time I joined Weight Watchers, I was told NOT to worry about exercise for the first few weeks – just focus on the food. We all know the 80/20 (or 70/30 rule) – that it’s mostly about what we put in our mouths… so given my obsessive OTT nature, I’m scaled it back and am focusing on my food.

I’ve gone back to basics.

I was feeling pretty desperate a couple of weeks ago. I looked into other Fat Camps and wondered if I should spend my last savings (ie. money put aside to have a break from work!) going somewhere to have someone restrict my food and force me to exercise. I contemplated surgery and I have a half-written email to Weight Watchers, asking if they’d consider sponsoring me join their program and blog for them – thinking the social shame would force me to lose weight.

I was desperate.

 

But… I had a session with my life coach – Karen Anderson – who challenged me to really think through my binges. “What was I thinking and feeling just before?” she asked me.

Usually I am glib about feeling happy / sad / bored or depressed, but I had some very specific examples to share with her (given that I’d been bingeing pretty frequently).

“I’m bored,” I said. “I can’t settle, and feel agitated.”

And I wondered – if it’s really as simple as boredom. I really don’t think so as I’ve previously tried to keep busy to avoid bingeing, but it meant I just did it in a shorter amount of time.

She asked me to ‘sit’ with my feelings of desperation. Rather than think, “I know, I’ll go and buy this and this and this… that’ll make me feel better,” she asked me to write about how I feel.

That conversation was nearly two weeks ago and bizarrely I haven’t actually had the opportunity to sit with my feelings and work through them as I haven’t actually binged. At all.

It’s like the ‘watched kettle’ scenario. I’m waiting to feel the overwhelming desire to binge, so I can try to live through it, but it hasn’t come. The desire to binge is proving elusive.

I’m not saying I’m all cured (hello, I’ve done that before and had to later remove my big fat foot!) but I’m feeling okay about where I’m at in that sense.

Sure, I still overeat and am suspect tonight I will eat more fries for dinner than I should. I don’t always make healthy choices, but given that I was bingeing regularly and gaining weight really quickly, nipping that in the bud was key.

And when it comes to exercise, I’m not forcing it. The idea of donning my sneakers and exercise gear fills me with dread, so this week I’ve done a few ‘thong’ walks. (Thong walks are my version of ‘strolls’ – akin to walks for pleasure. If I’m wearing thongs or flip-flops I’m not taking the exercise seriously, rather taking a leisurely stroll, and I’ve willingly indulged in a couple of those this week. One even took place ON the beach! And… I hate the beach!)

So, in case you were wondering, that’s where I’m at. I’m simply plodding along trying to do the best I can do at this point in time. And given my history of crashing and burning, I figure that’s all I can ask of myself.

What about you? How are you doing?

* PS. I put the picture of me on FB (rarely share pics on my personal Facebook profile) as proof I was on the beach and was surprised at how many people commented on how happy I looked. Who would have thought it?!