Not NOT dieting
I’ve been on and off diets for so long my closest friends are accustomed to news of the latest. Two of the three of my old close friends also struggle with their weight (but to a lesser extent), so most of our emails include reference to our efforts:
I’m going to the gym.
I haven’t been to the gym in weeks.
I’m back on Weight Watchers and have lost 5kg.
I’m eating everything in sight.
I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
That kinda thing.
What I’m struggling with at the moment though, is how to describe what it is I’m currently doing.
Regular readers will recall that I’ve long desired to adopt a ‘not-dieting’ approach. Almost a year ago I rediscovered Dr Rick Kausman’s work and as it coincided with the diet-du-jour “Intuitive Eating” I figured I’d leap back on that bandwagon.
But, although I loved (and still love) the concept it just didn’t work for me.
You see… I’d only ever known Dieting or Not-Dieting. And Not-Dieting for me meant eating everything in sight and bingeing. So, despite my best efforts I spent much of last year alternating between dieting and bingeing. I gained weight and felt worse and worse about myself.
With my sea change late last year, came the opportunity to make some significant life changes. It took a while. Not-working was (and still is) strange. As someone who’d long defined themselves by what they do, I struggled with a loss of identity. I’ve also grappled with the ‘what do I want from life?’ question. And finally, I’ve felt a lot of guilt over letting my gym-going routine fall by the wayside.
A couple of months ago I felt I was on a downward spiral. It didn’t make sense. I finally had (almost) everything I’d yearned for. So… why wasn’t I happy?
It took a while but… having stripped my life back to the bare minimum, I realised I was putting a lot of pressure on myself when it wasn’t necessary.
Rather than take myself out the back of the shed for more self-flagellation, I told myself:
It was okay NOT to go to the gym.
It was okay to exercise when I felt like it.
It was okay to eat things for meals that I really desired (pasta, rice, potatoes and the like).
It was okay to take small steps.
It was okay to not feel great.
I haven’t had a proper binge for almost two months (I did lick the flavouring off two packets of rice crackers, but let’s not go there!). I’ve given up my litre/day vanilla diet coke habit. I’m trying to go for a couple of walks each week – WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT. And… I haven’t bought chocolate or corn chips in all of that time.
On the food front then, I actually feel mentally healthier than I have in ages. But… old habits die hard: I do wonder if it’s paying off on the scale (as it did initially); and… I don’t know what to tell people. I mean, I’m not dieting, but I’m not exactly not NOT dieting. If you know what I mean.
Finally this morning I realised what it is I want to lay claim to, so the next time my friends ask how I’m going I know what to say. I lay in bed feeling miserable (long story) and purposely thought of chocolate – caramello koalas, Twirls and Red Tulip Easter Egg chocolates. I allowed myself to entertain the thought that I ‘could’ go out and get some. To help me feel better.
But… I had absolutely no desire to do so. “Meh,” is what I thought.
So, while I’m not dieting and I’m not NOT dieting, I’m also not bingeing. And that’s what I’ll tell them.
Do you tell friends and family (or complete strangers) when you’re on a diet?
Do you do disgusting things like lick the flavouring off biscuits and throw them away rather than eating them? Or is that just me?
Discover more from Debbish
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
Char
March 12, 2013Oh yes, I’ve licked the icing off doughnuts and given the doughnut to the dog. A dog can be the perfect partner in crime – no evidence and those eyes just begging you to do it again.
I’ve found that the best eating program for me is not to ban anything. Once I think I can’t have it I want it more than anything. I do not diet any more and never will again. I just know it doesn’t work for me. I only try to fuel my body as well as I can. Sometimes this involves chocolate chip cookies and sometimes it involves chicken breast with salad and I always feel physically better when I eat the healthy stuff.
Debbish
March 12, 2013Thanks for the doughnut comment – makes me feel less-alone in my wantonness!
I like the ‘fuelling your body’ comment. I sometimes forget that’s what (eating) is all about!
Liz@LastChanceTraining
March 12, 2013I think that Char is very wise. Physically better when I eat well. Mentally clear. I can have the bad stuff, but given how it makes me feel, is it worth it?
Debbish
March 12, 2013If I know the less-healthy stuff is a rarity then it doesn’t feel as bad though – even if it’s diet coke. It’s when it takes over that I start to feel bad – physically and mentally!
Jess
March 12, 2013I love the new approach – no pressure – just doing what you want to do, no pressure.
Debbish
March 12, 2013Hoping I can keep it up Jess. And.. if it results in weight loss – then that’s great! (Though it’s hard not to stress about that part!)
Eating as a Path to Yoga
March 12, 2013I think it’s all about allowing yourself to be brave enough to trust your body’s own inner wisdom.
Debbish
March 12, 2013Yes Jill, I still remember reading a blog post of your ages ago about ‘sitting’ with the urge to binge and not bingeing and wondered how on earth you could do that. I’m not saying I’m ‘over’ bingeing but just haven’t felt the need to do it for a while now.
jules joyce
March 12, 2013I don’t tell anyone anymore. I just talk about the other things going on in my life. I am like you in the fact about working or lack there of. More of my identity came from what I did or didn’t do not who I am. Anyone brings up dieting weight loss and asks how I am doing I say just fabulous and start talking about an art project. My garden plans or the latest movie I saw. Redirects the conversation
Debbish
March 12, 2013Good idea Jules. I’d like for weight loss / dieting / not dieting (or not NOT dieting) to play less of a role in my life. Perhaps a start would be not to talk about it when I email my besties and talk about the other stuff I’m doing!
Rebecca King
March 13, 2013I agree with each and every word of your comment Char. My dog is a perfect partner in crime. (however, my husband says she needs to go on a diet?) I too try not to “ban” anything because it is what I want the most, even if I don’t normally want it. I’ve tried to find a substitute for most things that aren’t as good, but will take the edge off wisely.
Satu
March 13, 2013Ha! What you do sounds almost like intuitive LIVING. 🙂
I’ve noticed myself that I have a tendency to start thinking about things I’ve freely chosent to do as “shoulds” (as if they were coming from outside). Then I internally rebel against those shoulds and go crazy in the process..
Debbish
March 13, 2013Intuitive Living – I like that Satu!
And yes… the ‘shoulds’ are most definitely a problem!
Lou Lou
March 13, 2013Good for you! I’m about to start a gluten-free 30 days to see if I start feeling better. This will be a challenge for me!
Debbish
March 14, 2013Oh yes… gluten is a difficult one to give up completely (hidden gluten in stock powder, thickeners, soy sauce, beer etc makes it hard!). Good luck!
Julia
March 13, 2013I think it sounds like you are growing and realizing that food doesn’t define you – as in, just because you are not bingeing that doesn’t mean you are on a diet. For example, I don’t feel like not eating bread makes me on a diet, it is just a change in the way I think about food. Limiting my calories makes me on a diet, but I think about it like “not eating too much.” Because you aren’t feeling deprived, it doesn’t feel like you are on a diet. Which is good and normal and awesome!
Debbish
March 14, 2013Yes, very true Julia. Yay us!
Jo Tracey
March 14, 2013I like how you say that you’re feeling better in yourself. It’s sounding like you’re in a pretty reasonable place.
Debbish
March 14, 2013Yes, I think I am Jo….
KCLAnderson (Karen)
March 14, 2013Your not bingeing! That is wonderful…this is how it all starts and turns around. Seriously. Big grin 🙂
KCLAnderson (Karen)
March 14, 2013Meant to say, “you’re not…”
Debbish
March 15, 2013Yes, I haven’t since our second last coaching session when I was supposed to start writing down how I was feeling when overcome with the urge. I was supposed to just sit with it and see what happened if I didn’t act on it. As it happens I haven’t actually really felt the urge!
Neen
March 16, 2013I personally hate listening to people talk about their latest diet. Which is kind of ironic because I love this blog.
But when people start telling me they are doing this or that, I just mentally dismiss it as another fad craze they’ve got going on which is doomed to fail. Harsh?
Debbish
March 17, 2013Completely understandable. I often think the same when a blogger starts on a new dieting venture.
I always enjoy reading more about people’s mindsets!