I have opened this blog many times since my last post and sat, fingers poised above keys to start writing, but it hasn’t come.
In fact the old adage, No news is good news is not appropriate in my case. Looking over past gaps in posting, most occur when I am in a ‘bad’ place mentally and feeling unable to even garner the enthusiasm needed to either: make excuses for myself here; or fall on my sword and confess my waywardness.
Since my last post (about a week ago), I had my one-on-one session at Weight Watchers. I gained 4.7kgs from my previous weigh-in (about 7 weeks prior). When I first returned to my own house from holidays and parent-sitting duties a week before, I was about 6kgs up on the previous weight, so in some ways it was a minor achievement. I explained that to the WW consultant. I told her I almost cancelled – because I knew the news would be bad – but I thought by cancelling and hoping for an improved result the next week, I was essentially delaying the inevitable.
So I returned home post-weigh-in and (as always) indulged in my post-weigh-in food fest. Why oh why I do this I don’t know! When I was seriously doing WW, it lasted for a day or two (depending if my weigh-in was on a Saturday or Sunday) and then I was on track. But, still on holidays… last week’s has continued through most of this week. To the point that I got on my own scales this morning (after a day of packets of chips, corn thins, a huge amount of roast potatoes for dinner, diet champagne and red wine ) and was 130.1kgs. Almost 8kgs (on my scales) heavier than 8 weeks ago and about 3 kgs heavier than last week. Gaining 3kgs in a week is not unusual for me so I am not shocked. But I am disappointed. In myself. Obviously.
I return to work in two days and I am returning to a job that is changing (to my horror). It is one of the reasons I took some extended leave. I had hoped to find something new in the interim, but a lack of jobs advertised, has meant I have applied for only 2 and obviously didn’t get either of them. So… I have to return to my old stomping ground.
Just prior to going on leave, I got to temporarily work in a more senior role, although far less-frantic than my usual job. Colleagues kept commenting on how the change of job made me look more refreshed and they said it looked as if I was already on holidays. But I knew the truth. It was because I had been losing weight. As the loss ticked over to 9.1kgs – though barely visible in my body – I suspect my face looked changed. Cutting back on booze and junk food probably also meant I looked less haggard.
So it kills me to think that I am returning to a job I don’t like (being changed into a job I will dislike even more) looking puffy and unhealthy. Had I continued (counting points and tracking what I was eating) 8 weeks ago, I could have lost another 5-9kgs by now. I SHOULD be under 120 or 115kgs, not damned heavier.
I have cancelled my Weight Watchers appointment for tomorrow as I could not bear to have to stand on the scales having gained weight. Again. As I shovelled cheese-flavoured corn thin biscuits down my throat (after a big roast dinner), I did so telling myself that I needed to get rid of them all last night because today I was going to get back on track. (Filling self to overly full state so I then couldn’t sleep… sane huh?)
So, as I finally bring myself to type this I can only hope that this despondency brings with it some motivation or commitment.
September 10, 2010
This is a vicious cycle: stress at work causes me to overeat which causes more stress which causes me to overeat which causes low self esteem which… well, you get the idea. That is why this time I’m working on raising my self esteem. I’m hoping this will help me obsess less about food. I’m not sure yet if it is working, but it is a lot more fun than beating myself up. You might want to try it!
September 10, 2010
Thanks and I definitely agree about the stress-at-work issue. One of the key reasons I am looking to change jobs is because I have become increasingly conscious of how I cope with the stress of the day (ie. I eat and drink it!!!). I know I should try other things (meditation, exercise etc) to deal with the stress but sometimes at the end of the day I don’t have the head-space for anything other than sitting in front of the tv mindlessly shovelling stuff into my mouth!!!
Good on you for working on your self-esteem. I am trying to NOT be as hard on myself (blogged about it a couple of times) and allay the guilt a bit, but you are right… it is important to keep working on this, because the guilt and shame for me, just leads to more over-eating, so definitely a vicious cycle!