This time two years ago I was at Fat Camp. I was desperate and had high hopes.
I fear I am now perceived as a frumpy middle-aged woman. And more than self-loathing; I now feel extreme regret. That I have lost 26years of my life that I can never regain.
While I feel stymied – unable to act, I am forcing myself into a lifestyle change that I hope is not too late.
I am going to a fat camp. For one month. I wish it were longer. I wish I could emerge like a swan from the prison that has been my body and my life for 20 years. Instead, I have one month and I can only hope and pray for change. Physical and mental.
I lost 14kg there and a bit more after. Having lost almost 20kgs, I still had 20 more to go, but it was the closest I’d come to the cliched ‘lifestyle’ change. I got fitter and became almost enthusiastic about exercise, revelling in Body Jam classes, regular walks and pilates until I got injured and – as per usual – the rot set in and I regained all of that weight. And a bit more.
This time last year I joined Weight Watchers (for about the 7th or 8th time). It was going to be my last weight loss attempt. I was going to get my eating under control. I was going to become a different person. And yet, here I am… a year later, having lost and gained weight (albeit a small amount) again.
And here I am. Again. Tomorrow I kick off my latest weight-loss attempt. I’ve said it is my last ditch effort before resorting to weight loss surgery. I signed up about a month ago having seen the results of those who’ve participated before. Many sing the praises of Michelle Bridges’ 12 Week Body Transformation Challenge. I hope that – down the track – I am one of them too. In the days and weeks after my enrolment I didn’t feel ready. An early pre-season task asked us if we were nervous, excited and/or pumped. My answer was, ‘maybe’. I was hesitant but hopeful. But if I’m completely honest I have to admit I have spent much of the last week and few days eating all sorts of things I shouldn’t. Today alone there’s been hot chips, chips and chocolate. There it is the same fucked-up thinking… ‘On Monday the diet starts so I’ll make the most of my time before then.’
Suddenly, here we are. Tomorrow it starts. 12WBT as it’s known to its participants. I made a commmitment that I would give this my damnedest. As I said, it is my last ditch attempt. I know I am (only?!) 43 years old, but there is much I have wanted to achieve and I am running out of time. I don’t feel healthy and I don’t feel happy.
I am as prepared as it is possible for me to be. I may not follow the exercise and diet program faithfully but I will stick to its intent as far as possible. My exercise bike arrived on Saturday. Work colleagues know I will be doing 8.30 and 9am starts in order to exercise before work. I have re-enrolled in pilates classes and booked into my first two lessons this week. I did my big grocery shop today and I have tagged The Calorie King website in order to calculate the calories of everything I eat.
Before bed tonight (in between the 4 things I want to watch on TV – which are all on at once… what IS it with television programmers?!) I will finalise my meals for the week and my exercise. 12WBT is almost upon us…. and I think I’m ready.