I’ve alluded to it and occasionally been pretty blunt about it, but I no longer write a lot (if at all) about my weight (etc) here.
However… I’m really struggling and feeling quite desperate. And wondering if this is the best place to share that.
I’ve put on weight since my seachange. Like A LOT of weight. Between 35-40kg. Most of which I put on in my first 2yrs after leaving my old life.
Before I left Brisbane I was ‘at least’ still ‘trying’ to diet. I wasn’t binge-eating much and was hitting the gym 4-5 days a week.
Post-move (for various reasons) I stopped exercising and lived a predominantly sedentary existence: working from home and not-dieting.
I’ve tried to diet over the ensuing years (not to mention the 20+yrs of yo-yo dieting before) but – given my disordered eating history – it almost always leads to bingeing. And this latest time has been no different.
I know I need to lose weight.
I’ve been feeling unfit and unhealthy. I’ve mentioned before that I’m carrying so much weight that walking any distance is problematic. Attempting to clean my apartment recently (for its sale) has meant I’ve had ridiculous aches and pains. And I’ve spent a lot of time lying on the floor in a pool of exhausted sweat.
I’ve been checking out prices for fat camps. I’ve even pondered weight-loss surgery. I went so far as thinking of applying for some reality TV show during which I’m forced to starve and exercise.
Source: healthyplace.com
Just before Easter I ‘tried’ to cut back on my evening carbohydrates. A small step I figured. But it felt like a big deal. My life already focussed around my evenings of reading and frivolous TV became ONLY about the nights. All day I considered how I’d cope that night. Without potatoes or rice. Or pasta.
So… what does every recovering anorexic / bulimic / binge-eater do? But start bingeing again. And it’s been going on for weeks.
Many a night after eating ridiculous amounts I’ve been throwing myself on my bed (as far as my over-full ‘I feel sick’ tummy will allow) and wallow.
Last night I decided I was drowning in despair. Or desperation. Or desolation. Whatever. Being pulled under with no sense of relief. Or hope.
I talk A LOT about feeling overwhelmed. It often occurs to me that it’s not because I have too much on my plate. (In my head, maybe, but not on my plate.) It’s because – I feel – that nothing can be done.
I’m irrationally angry at those without weight problems. Or those with minimal weight problems. “YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE,” I want to tell them, “TO BE SO OVERWEIGHT!”
Beyond hope. Beyond redemption.
And yet? I’ve no one to blame but myself for my BMI of 45.
I’ve tried not-dieting… in an attempt to normalise my eating. I can’t fool myself however. I know that I’m trying to diet by default. My little mind decides it’s way too smart for the reverse psychology that is ‘intuitive’ eating.
Last night however in my quiet desperation I considered – for the first time – remaining as I am. Fat, frumpy. Single. Unfit. Unhealthy.
What if I REALLY didn’t try to change my eating? I wondered.
What if I stopped having endless Last Suppers. Because that’s usually my justification for a binge. I need these bags of caramello koalas, freddo frogs, cheezels and 1kg of frozen chips this evening because TOMORROW I’m going to be healthy.
What if I stopped saying that? More importantly, can I?
Even as I write this I ponder my post-work purchases.
Another thought struck me however… that perhaps I could think about ‘changing’ from a different perspective.
Perhaps I could call on my childhood and pre-anorexic teenage years of sport and athleticism to commence an exercise program. Or at least something doable at my weight and level of fitness.
Of course I’m (deviously) assuming or at least hoping it leads to healthier dietary decisions, but I need to try something. So I’m working up my courage to join a local gym.
There’s one which offers water aerobics and I think I could try pump (weights) classes along with body balance (yoga / tai chi / pilates combo) and spend some time on an exercise bike.
Perhaps.
I’m telling myself I’ll force myself there in the next day or two. To join. (And avoid ridiculous offers and assertions of fabulous deals if I sign over my first-born!)
Wish me luck.
I know weightloss is mostly about diet rather than exercise, but feeling a bit fitter would be a nice thing.
Are you an exerciser?
Do you need to lose weight? Or just want to?
May 11, 2016
I know logically that you can’t out train a bad diet, but that tends to be my go to- & it’s no longer working- if it ever did. My back pain & stress related blood pressure is forcing me to do what I’ve avoided doing- changing my eating patterns- not just for a little while, but forever. It’s a catch 22- I like to exercise, but am now so big my back suffers badly from it. That’s the deal breaker for me. Good luck!
May 11, 2016
I’m the same Jo… I can’t walk far without my back and hip aching. I can’t believe just 3-4 years ago I was bouncing around a gym doing Zumba and Boot camps!
May 11, 2016
I have about 5 kilos I need to shift, which I put on during my cancer treatment. I’ve started exercising again and going back to Weight Witches. It would be overwhelming to think of having to lose 30 or 40 kilos. I reckon food issues are SO hard, not like quitting smoking or drinking. You still have to think about what to eat every damn day. No advice really, just sympathising. Exercise is good to improve moods at least. That’s my main motivation for doing it, not weight loss. Good luck!
May 11, 2016
I think the amount I have to lose is part of my overwhelm. I’m 15kg more than I’ve ever been before, which was 10kg more than I’d been before that. Officially (according to my BMI) I’m actually 67kg overweight! (That’s an entire person! No wonder my ankles and hips are struggling!)
May 11, 2016
Here’s the rub Deb – exercise isn’t about weight loss. The weight loss industry would have you think that exercise makes all the difference – but it doesn’t. Right now lots of movement isn’t going to feel good but jumping into a pool with the intention of moving just to soothe your mind could work.
You know my experiences of gaining weight/losing weight and you know recently how I gained a stack of weight over the last year – not because I was inactive – but rather I was medicating anxiety, fear etc. I knew that I needed an intervention and I half heartedly tried a few popular programs before realising that given my physical limitations, I needed to tailor things for me. I also realised that my patterns of eating (e.g. the snacking as an IV line approach), were a form of an eating disorder (not specified) – and that I needed treatment.
So I am using a dietitian by the name of Georgie Fear who does habits based coaching. The beauty of Georgie is that you scale your habits to what you can handle – so it really means that there’s no rules to rebel against unless that’s your fun and games. I’ve learned I rebel against certain things and I’m way happier when I turn that switch off by eating a wide variety of food. . And I’m seeing a psychologist – which is pretty darn uncomfortable but I’m determined to see it through.
It sounds to me like you are suffering from an eating disorder and need specialist help. You’re not eating normally and that would be the first step – to learn what eating normally is and to realise that it doesn’t mean “missing out” or eating “different or special” food. Then you also need to work out what’s driving your internally rebellious behaviours – and I don’t think that’s something you can do alone. You’re not really “outsmarting” yourself, you’re just using distraction techniques to numb you from what’s really going on or what you want.
I suffered for a long time before I sought help. Whilst I still have weight to lose and a long way to go mentally (and that is OK and I am still OK) , I’m gaining my life back – I’m studying, I no longer take antidepressants and I can exercise pain free most of the time.
Fat camp is not the answer. Treating yourself with kindness and self compassion and getting the expert help you need is a better option. There’s no quick fix.
I have every empathy and compassion for your situation Deb – and hope that you understand that I’m coming from a bit of a voice of experience. It’s not too late to get your life back – and I know you can do it!
xx
May 11, 2016
Sound advice here! I too think you need expert help. Thinking of you. xx
May 11, 2016
Thanks Raych. x
May 11, 2016
I just wanted to second Liz’s awesome advice. I struggled for a long time with n eating disorder. And can 100% relate to that feeling of despair. I feel as though I am out the other side although I always have days. But you can get there too. Sending you all my strong vibes! Xo
May 11, 2016
It frustrates me that I’ve never gotten past it Jess. Since the mid 1980s I’ve been waiting to get ‘better’ and think about food normally again. I’m far better than I was. I’ve no desire to purge and won’t eat ridiculous things (am sure I mentioned I once couldn’t keep flour and sugar as I’d mix it up into batter to eat), but I suspect it’s worse of late cos there’s other stuff happening AND because I’m been focusing on my need to lose weight and panicking.
May 11, 2016
Thanks Liz. I guess my biggest struggle is that I’ve seen so many therapists in the past and really gotten nowhere (from the Freudian / Psychodynamic Psychiatrist in the late 1980s to the Dietician /Psychologist combo in early 2012.
Having said that – one I saw the longest (for a couple of years back in the early 2000s) – was an eating disorder specialist and she was great. Until I quit going.
As I said in the post, I’m almost desperate enough to have surgery but realise that wouldn’t change my behaviour and would keep me as obsessed!
May 11, 2016
I have just accepted that I enjoy food so much that I have to do the exercise. I just invested in a FitBit so I know how little I am moving. Shooting for that 10, 000 step goal. Delighted when I meet it, accepting that I won’t every day. I also have some pain when I walk (scoliosis ) the advice from my osteo and GP is to take some Panadol before or after exercise and just keep doing it. You can do this! Another key for me is exercise I enjoy; walking the streets not so much, walking on the beach very much, so take some time to figure out what you enjoy the most.
May 11, 2016
Thanks Jan. I used to very much enjoy group-based classes, but not sure at the moment. I should monitor my steps at least because I’d be horrified by how little incidental exercise I do and I think that was a big post-seachange change. In Brisbane (before I lost weight the last time) I at least had to walk to the bus and to work etc… Whereas working from home (in a small apartment) meant minimal movement.
When I first arrived (and I was fitter and healthier) I did try and walk most days though and that was nice. (Until it became more about the exercise than the head-clearing!)
May 11, 2016
I would like to relate to you the story of my friend, it might be helpful, I’m not happy to share it publicly, may I use your “work with me” email?
If you could let me know via my email provided, that would be good as I don’t always get the notifications of new posts.
May 11, 2016
That would be fine, but have also emailed you my address. Thanks Bec!
May 11, 2016
Hey Deb. That’s a really brave post. It seems like you have tried everything, so you don’t need my two cents worth. However, I would encourage you to put yourself under the care of a health professional that you feel understands you and your issues. Take care, Cassie
May 12, 2016
Thanks Cassie.
I have to confess it didn’t feel like such a big deal. I thought I’d downplayed the angst quite nicely until I spoke to my mother on the way home from work. (I’d set it to publish during the day and hadn’t read comments as I was at work. Sometimes I check stuff on my phone but I thought it might be a bit heavy to deal with.) And my mother commented on the ‘weightiness’ of the post.
May 11, 2016
My GP was constantly on at me to lose weight during my 20s and 30s. She also said “I know it’s hard but I would be negligent if I didn’t say it.” My weight went up and down over those years – like 25kgs up and down. Then, in my 40s she stopped telling me to lose weight. Instead she said “I’ve been telling you the same thing for 15 years and it has made no real difference. When you pass 40 it’s a different ballgame and there’s a whole bunch of other things to worry about – heart disease, diabetes etc etc. In your 40s it’s better to be fat and fit than thin and unfit.”
So, with this advice, I set myself the goal of losing 6kg tha year AND to do this, all I was really going to do was increase my activity. Now that didn’t mean just eating more because I was doing more exercise (I was able to control that little voice in my head) and nor did it mean spending lots of $$ on exercise equipment etc. Instead, I bought a Fitbit, and I’ve worn it every day for nearly two years. There are some days where I don’t hit my target but instead of feeling down about it, I look at all the days I DID and think tomorrow, I’ll hit it. And I commit to hitting my target at least every second day and I do this by putting exercise in my diary, like an appointment, with a time. I work from home but in my diary is 10am – walk. I don’t change that time if another offer comes along – too bad, the other offer has to be set for another time.
And I enjoy my walk time by building in a reward (and this is the bit you’ll appreciate) – my reward is I listen to an audiobook while I walk. If the book is great, I want to walk for longer. And I look forward to my walk because I look forward to my book (although it started with listening to the INCREDIBLE Serial podcast – gripping stuff).
I have lost weight – it was 12kg at one point but I have put 3kg back on. But that’s okay, because I have until the end of this year to get those 3kg back off. It feels achievable and I know I’ll do it because I have a 30 hour audiobook on my playlist.
It’s crap hearing/ talking about weight loss. Crap and boring, I know. But you’re brave asking for help and other people’s opinions. It might be that 99.9% doesn’t resonate with you, just like all those years of trying diets, exercise programs etc that didn’t stick. But hopefully one of your readers says the thing that clicks (like my GP’s ‘just be fat but fit’ comment).
I’m fat. But my cholesterol and blood pressure are fine. I’m fat but last year I walked the Crater Trail on Hawaii’s Big Island and the prospect of the hike didn’t scare me because I knew I was fit enough to do it and enjoy it. I’m fat but I still go to the pool, do some laps and then lie in the sun and read my book – and I don’t care if people think “She’s fat” because I’M THERE. I’ve done some laps, now I’m reading my book, in the sun, and enjoying life.
Good luck xx
May 12, 2016
Such a great attitude Kate. My doctor’s actually been okay. I’ve been seeing her since I made my seachange and she’s never once weighed me and I’m the one who’s brought up my weight. She knows of my history though and has probably seen me off and on over the years and knows that I’ve lost and gained 10, 20, 30kg again and again.
She’s supportive or small changes and against the idea of me doing anything drastic.
May 11, 2016
Sorry Deb, I’m really over-staying my welcome (!) but one other thought – there is so much focus on ‘short-term achievable goals’ – I call bullshit on that. Be in it for the long game. All of the diet industry is focused on short-term achievements because they think that is what motivates people. Well true, it might motivate some (especially newbies). But most people are in it for the long game (not compatible with the diet industry because it’s too expensive for most people to do things like Lite’n’Lazy for years on end). So instead of setting yourself a goal such as “A kilo a week for 10 weeks” set yourself the goal (for example) of being three kilos lighter this time next year AND to have tried a new activity. Some would say “Three kilos? Big deal.” Stuff them. Three kilos is a big deal.
May 12, 2016
True. My official ‘idea’ weight (in terms of BMI) is 65kg less than what I am now. That’s overwhelming. Losing 15kg will only get me back to what I was when I did WW in 2014. And losing 35kg will get me back to what I was when I moved here. And losing 45kg will get me back to where I was in 2011. (And that’s still 20kg over what I supposedly should be.) *sigh*
I should mention that I know that ANYTHING less than I weigh now would be a good thing – for my health and on my bones and joints!
May 11, 2016
I can exercise but my diet is where I’ve been failing recently. Since I’ve been depressed, I have been eating badly and not exercising and have gained a few kilos. I don’t need to lose weight but I want to because I feel unhealthy, unfit and well, more depressed. My diet has always been the harder of the two to follow — I don’t do diets and try and eat healthy but I also seem to lack self control. So if there is dessert somewhere, I will eat it rather than say no. I have had to resort to not buying junk in order to not eat it at least at home. Exercise for me comes easier {except lately with the new job — hoping it’s just a rough phase!}.
Good on you for thinking of taking that first step. If exercise works for you, go that way first. I think sometimes, losing a bit of weight is motivating enough to keep going.
May 12, 2016
Thanks Sanch. The exercis things can get a little wrapped up in the dieting and eating stuff for me. I grew up playing a lot of sport so it wasn’t until I became anorexic at 16 that it occurred to me that the sport I did helped me maintain / lose weight and I became an obsessive exerciser. There are certain things that still send shivers down my spine when I think of them – namely shuttle runs as I used to wag school to go and do shuttle runs on the local basketball court during the day! Ostensibly as prep for some rep training but mostly for the calorie burn.
I think that’s why I struggle with running and stuff like that but prefer classes where it seems more about ‘fun’ than fitness.
May 12, 2016
Your plight is very similar to my own. I joined Overeaters Anonymous – this helped tremendously, so if you have this where you are, I would highly recommend. I also spend an hour a week with a psychologist who specialises in addiction therapy, because that is what this is, an addiction to food, and certain types of foods, more specifically. I began to care about myself, and became aware of how hard and judgmental I was on myself. I stopped doing and thinking things that caused me to feel ashamed of myself, and in doing so I stated to run out of feelings that I wanted to eat over. Intuitive eating doesn’t work for us, because our brains are wired differently. I am still a work in progress, but I am so much better than I was. Because I no longer diet, which mean that I no longer binge – one always follows the other, I have managed to release a lot of the weight that I was holding on to. I take every day as it comes. I still have days where food is the only thing I think about and I overeat, but I get back on track quickly because I now have the tools to do so. I now understand that my issue has nothing to do with food, and everything to do with self care, and self compassion. I have learnt to feel my feelings, rather than stuffing them down with food. This has been the life changing thing really, because when we’re blocking out the bad feelings, we unfortunately also block out the good, so we become very numb and with me this meant that I wanted to isolate, almost all of the time. The journey to wellness is not easy, but it becomes easier with each day. There is a lot of help out there. I wish you all the best, Debbie xx
May 12, 2016
Oh I can very much relate. My recent (very excessive) chocolate, chip etc binge started after I tried to cut back on stuff just before Easter (and started to feel desperate).
Even now… mostly when I buy food for binges it’s because I’m gonna BE REALLY GOOD from ‘tomorrow’ and so I need to eat ‘all the food’ now.
I think finding the right help is probably key but that’s difficult in itself.
Thanks so much for sharing and for your comment. x
May 12, 2016
Darling, I know you’ve seen lots of therapists before, but maybe you weren’t really ready then?I think you may be now? It’s definitely worth a shot, surely? Hugs xoxo
May 12, 2016
Possibly….
May 12, 2016
Just do it. First thing this morning without thinking about it. Ring up the gym and sign on. Easy for me to say, I know. But I also have things that I overthink and put off and procrastinate about and I find that getting them out of the way first up is the best way to do it.
May 12, 2016
I know. Have emailed the membership guy I’ve been putting off and asked for an appt tomorrow.
May 12, 2016
I wish you luck, and if you find any answers, will you please let me know? I can SO relate to what you have written, being 40kg overweight myself and having endless “Last Suppers” although I have never called them that…just one last cake/chocolate/milkshake/wine before I give up sugar and alcohol for good. Clearly this doesn’t work, but what does?
I have a step tracker and I think this is a good start, but I usually don’t get to the elusive 10,000 steps a day. I also work from home, and find that some days, after being stuck at the computer all day I might have only done 2-3,000 steps, so anything over that is a bonus. I know exercise isn’t the whole answer, but I think getting out and moving is really important. It has to be something enjoyable to you, though, so you want to keep doing it.
What Liz said above really strikes a chord with me – I always start the program/diet with great intentions, but I definitely have those “internally rebellious behaviours.”
I really understand your desperation, and I hope you have success in finding some help. Then you can tell me.
May 12, 2016
🙂
I will most definitely share Sue. And yes, I’m really really good at the Last Suppers as well!
May 12, 2016
I can’t pretend to know what you’re going through as I’ve never struggled with eating disorders. I admire you for being so honest with yourself as that is such a challenge. I also think your new mindset is a fantastic start on a new path. Sometimes we need readjustments for the things that make us unhappy as it gets so easy to get stuck in a spiral of stuckness. I will say I think adding exercise is a really good idea and focusing on the adding instead of the subtraction is also a good idea. And sticking on the adding are there foods you like that aren’t as high carb or high calorie? Maybe focus on adding those in in the evening instead of not eating carbs. For me sweets are my weakness but I’m trying to cut back on what I eat in the evening but I’ve found that I really like those little mandarin oranges so I eat one of those instead of a dessert. While it’s not the same it helps to think “Now I can have a yummy juicy orange!” instead of being stuck on not eating a cupcake. Good luck and hugs!
May 12, 2016
Thanks Katherine. Of course the ideas we have at night seem far more sensible then. I’m always at my lowest and most desperate in the evening hours and make all sorts of resolutions. Then daylight arrives and apathy settles in!
May 13, 2016
I’m struggling, too. I hear ya.
May 13, 2016
I suspect I’ve given up deep down that anything will change. x
May 13, 2016
I’m ready for a change. But not read to do anything about it. So, I stay stuck.
May 13, 2016
Yes x 1000! Completely understand and relate! It’s like… if I hate ‘this part of’ my life so much why can’t I change it?
May 13, 2016
Hi Deb, am sorry to hear about your weight loss struggles. Have you researched Binge Eating Disorder (BED)? Totally a thing. I’m a member of a FB group – there are several on the subject. I ache when I think about the quiet desperation you’re enduring – where that image of your ideal self seems overwhelmingly, insurmountably far away. Been there, struggled muchly with that – for the past twenty years I’ve been on a diet or thinking I should be. I’ve spent thousands on lotions, potions, pills, gym equipment, hypnotherapy, books, online pharmacies etc. etc. And I can tell you, the dieting mentality DOES NOT WORK. DIETS DON’T work in any way shape or form. BED is not about food. It’s about turning to food for comfort, soothing, numbing. The road to recovery lies in investigating what YOU are seeking comfort from, what you wish to numb – you have wounds deep inside that you need to heal. You have to turn your focus away from all things food related to investigating your SELF. Self discovery, self forgiveness, self acceptance. It’s tough to know where to start, but addressing your core anxiety – the root of most disordered eating and addictive behaviours- by meditating, looking at mindfulness – these can all help you start down the road to realising YOU ARE WORTHY of love and belonging and YOU are the single most important source of love and acceptance and peace and security in your life. It’s an overwhelming but exciting time!
Geneen Roth – wonderful author – her new book (it has God in the title but don’t let that put you off!!), I’d bet the farm on, will resonate strongly with you. The 12 step, overeaters anonymous approach has never been something I could relate to. Yes, I believe binging and overeating ARE addictive type behaviours, but I believe that I alone am responsible for changing my actions and thoughts and there are such good resources out there! I’m a compulsive Googler of things, but it can lead to the most enlightening and empowering resources. I like this article;
http://peacefuleating.co.uk/the-one-reason-for-overeating-and-its-not-about-food/
And love Tara Brach and Phillip Moffitt as masterful thought masters. Of thinking. Great podcasts from Tara. Great articles by Phillip. I found this book really useful too;
https://books.google.com/books/about/Eight_Step_Recovery.html?id=S-CZngEACAAJ&source=kp_cover&hl=en
Sorry for the info overload – I’m not trying to fix or direct – you’re not broken, and you’re stronnger than you think. Most importantly, you’re not alone, and you are ENOUGH.
May 13, 2016
Thanks Margaret. I’ve done some reading on BED and actually have some of Geneen Roth’s books. I follow her on Facebook as well and she’s so inspirational. (And moderate!)
It’s hard isn’t it… when we know it’s not about food and we know it’s about self-worth, anger and apathy… rather than forgiveness and empathy but ‘knowing’ and believing are two very different things.
PS. I’m a googler as well. And I love (and need) the ‘enough’ mantras!
May 20, 2016
Lots of people have commented and hopefully helped (and I don’t really know what I can add). But – from what you say, your evening routine seems to be the roadblock. When you reach for junk food, when you combine it with reading maybe you are strengthening the link between junk food and the pleasurable activity of relaxing with a book/vegging out in front of the TV. Gym sounds like a great idea, not even so much for the exercise as the break in this routine (this is probably when you should go to gym). I know that cooking sucks for one, mainly through hubby being on nightshift and when the kids were young I often made a dinner of wine and cheese (who am I kidding I still do that). But if you can cook for the pleasure, or better still invite company, and choose from healthier ingredients – maybe this is another way of changing.
May 21, 2016
I do actually cook most nights Kathy – as I enjoy the process – but you’re right… it’s not usually very healthy. Always too much potato or rice!
May 29, 2016
How brave and clever of you to put yourself out here. Hope this doesn’t sound lame but have you tried yoga ? Any type, keep,tying classes until you find one you like. The combination of mind and body is lovely. Building strength in your body (and mind) is a great tool to weight loss.
May 29, 2016
I have tried yoga Mandy. I did it for a year off and on a couple of years ago. So when I’d started to gain weight but not when I’d gained all of my weight. By the end I felt a bit self conscious about what I could and couldn’t do and even things like sun salutations had me puffing. I hope to do some body balance classes at the gym I’ve joined (when I start!!!!).
August 11, 2016
I struggled with my weight growing up though I was always failry fit and healthy. I ended up seeing a naturopath and my hormones were COMPLETELY out of whack. I didn’t have a diagnosed thyroid condition or anything like that but my body just wasn’t functioning at it’s optimal level and therefore no matter what I did (training 6 times a week and eating superfood/paleo based diet) I couldn’t shift the weight. In my case the majority of my unbalanced hormones was due to the pill, I came off that and within 3/4 months dropped about 10kg, I now have all my vitamins/minerals/hormone levels at the correct range and I no longer have to avoid carbs and sugar like the plague. I actually work at a naturopathic clinic now in Perth called NatMed and they offer a weightloss program called ‘SHIFT’. might be something worth looking into as you have the motivation and guidance of a practitioner who will sort out any underlying deficiencies etc prior to starting the program 🙂 —> http://natmed.com.au/shift-weight-loss/