As the day wore on yesterday, I felt worse and worse. It happens every so often; I get so tired I need desperately to sleep and my eyes will not stay open. I generally lie down underneath my desk for a while and I did that yesterday. I’ve had tests on my adrenal gland and glucose tests to try to find out why this happens and I still don’t know. I sometimes think it could be hormonal so have also tried to work out if it is linked to my cycle, but I can’t seem to pinpoint what it is.
Instead I went home last night, bought takeaway food, and was in bed by 7.30pm. I went straight to sleep (normally an impossibility for me with my buzzy mind) but woke two hours later. Irritable and not able to lie in one position for more than a second or two I went back to sleep, waking to my 7am alarm. I still couldn’t get out of bed, so told work I’d be late and slept for 2 more hours. It doesn’t happen often but I will sometimes sleep for almost an entire day on a weekend.
I had an endoscopy a month or two ago. It was, supposedly, to check that the lining in my small bowel had improved since my coeliac diagnosis 5 or so years ago (and I cut gluten out of my diet). I have to admit I can’t remember what the gastroenterologist told me about that, as instead I discovered I have YET ANOTHER auto-immune disease. As if having an underactive thyroid (hypothyroidism) and being coeliac wasn’t enough, I also apparently have autoimmune atrophic gastritis (resulting from something called intestinal metaplasia). It doesn’t mean anything to me, other than the fact that I need to have regular endoscopies as I am now more prone to stomach cancer.
The latest diagnosis didn’t really bother me. The autoimmune diseases I have aren’t really a problem. Just bothersome and requiring some control and monitoring.
In fact, I should count myself fortunate as I haven’t had any major health issues (touch wood!). I grew up as a healthy kid without really eating any vegetables (okay, I only ate potato). Although I eat more vegetables now my habits are hardly enviable. At the moment (when I am not even trying to eat healthily) I skip vegetables completely. I don’t think twice before spending the weekend stuffing my body with chocolate, corn chips, popcorn, champagne and red wine.
In short, I don’t take care of myself at all. AT ALL. It’s no wonder I am 45+kg overweight. It’s no wonder I’m incredibly unfit. In fact, it’s a surprise I am as healthy as I am (or once was). But there are moments when my health scares me. I am on blood pressure tablets daily and have been for several years. I get incredibly bad headaches if I run out of them – even after just a few days. On occasions recently I feel short of breath and it’s as if I can’t take a deep breath… as if oversized overweight organs are impacting on my lungs’ ability to expand properly. And, although I try to avoid mirrors, my stomach is so large I look 9mths pregnant. Constantly.
I look at those who have physical disabilities which prevent them from doing all of the things they dream to do. I try to make myself grateful that I have been given a healthy body and mind and remind myself that I should not squander my opportunities in the way I do. But it doesn’t seem to work. My love of ‘things I shouldn’t be eating’ and not-exercising seems to be greater than my desire to be healthier.
I have signed up for Michelle Bridges 12 Week Body Transformation Challenge and today I’ve been reading about commitments participants are making as part of their pre-season tasks. They’ve started training, we’re supposed to be cleaning out the fridge and instead I am thinking… OMG two more weeks of fun food before I have to ‘start’ dieting and exercising. I’ve again bought frozen hot chips to have with my (healthy) fish for dinner. And I bought some wine. Why oh why?!!! I’m very nervous that I don’t have the mindset I need to commence and am already worried about my ability to ‘flick that switch’ to start, as if 23 May will be different to 11 May, or 12 May. Given that I currently feel SO ordinary and SO unhealthy, if I can’t start now, why do I think I can start then?