As is obvious from my recent posts – and my departure from listing the ‘day’ – I am struggling with my ‘diet’.  Gone are the regular updates with points consumed per day; and the monitoring of weight loss.  Only two weeks have passed since I last weighed in at Weight Watchers, but I cannot bear to think of how much weight I have gained.  The face looking back at my in the mirror looks fatter.  Already!

I seriously thought I would be able to continue on Weight Watchers during this holiday.  I thought my motivation was sufficiently entrenched that I would perhaps digress for a day or two, but then knuckle down.  Alas that does not seem to be the case.  AND I still have a month left on my holidays. 

My 9.1kg loss had felt SO slow.  Never before had it been so difficult to drop weight, but finally over those last couple of weeks, I was on track and things were going well.  Not only the weight loss, but my frame of mind.  Keeping this blog and being (more) conscious of what I say (rather than what I do) has highlighted that my biggest weakness remains my thinking patterns.  My dieting / not dieting attitude.  You see, even though I read the literature and have ridden the weight-loss / weight-gain yoyo, I still cannot seem to convince myself that permanent weight loss is about eating healthily FOREVER.  It isn’t about a quick fix or something I ‘do’ for a while and then get to stop. 

Even my ‘treats’ post-weigh-in are a telltale sign of the fact that my thinking is somewhat fucked.  As I update this blog following my Weight Watchers appointment, I gloss over the fact that – after every weigh-in I have a blowout.  It used to last the remainder of the weigh-in day and that meant, the next day I was a kilo or so heavier again and needed to get back on the ‘straight and narrow’ pretty quickly.  But the last couple of weigh-ins were followed by two-day blowouts.  As a result I was up 2-3kgs from my weigh-in weight and it took a few days to get rid of that before I could make any headway into losing something that next week.

However…. after my last weigh-in the blowout never really stopped.  And I feel like crap.  Both physically and emotionally.  The former because I feel fat.  My stomach is constantly in the way.  I feel blubbery. I feel bloated and I feel uncomfortable. My stomach in particular feels as if it has grown astronomically in the past week.  And perhaps it has. 

I feel crappy emotionally because I feel guilty.  Constantly.  I know what I should be doing and how I should be behaving.  And yet…. I am eating corn chips, chocolate, hot chips cooked at 11pm, tins of caramel.  I have not been able to rein this blowout in.  Instead I am letting my warped mind convince myself that ‘soon’ I will again be on-track, so I might as well make the most of it before I start dieting again.  There it is again.  The on-off switch to my dieting behaviour. 

I keep telling myself that ‘soon’ all will be well and I will be losing weight again.  ‘Soon’ – quite frankly – cannot come soon enough.