I’m fatter than ever. At least I think I am. I certainly feel it. Part of me wants to lock myself away and wallow in self loathing. At least I feel like I should. However the fact I’m not indulging in self-flagellation reminds me of how far I’ve come – body image (self-acceptance) wise. Although I may just be in denial… 😉
Of course the flip side of that is that – while I feel hugely fat and unhealthy and suspect I look even worse – I don’t really despise myself enough to get motivated to do something about my weight.
I want to (lose weight, not despise myself #obvs). But I’m torn. Still.
I haven’t talked for ages about my weight, dieting, not dieting, exercise or food. Indeed, I can’t remember the last time I had to select ‘Diet Schmiet’ as a blog post category.
It’s because I’ve been struggling. A lot. I yo-you between: 1. not-dieting and binge-eating, or at least over eating regularly; to 2. late night decisions that I’m about to embark on a protein shake / no carbs / semi-starvation type diet.
I know ‘extreme’ diets and fast weight loss aren’t sustainable but I feel desperate and I feel uncomfortable. I hate to admit it but my weight has become an issue. (And yes, I know that probably is an understatement for someone with a BMI of 41.7!)
Quite frankly if someone could knock me on the head, render me unconscious and drip feed me for two months until I lost 20kg I’d be happy. Of course I’d still have another 20kg to be at my ‘ideal’ weight, but still…
I’m trying not to panic. I’m trying to remind myself that ANY weight loss from where I’m at is a good thing. Even if it’s slow and steady.
And very importantly, I’m trying to make it less about how I look and more about feel. Of course if I was a more evolved person it’d be more about my health, however I take the wins where I can get them. And I can’t help but think when I’m focussing on ‘how I look’ it’s about what others think; rather than something more intrinsically-driven.
I’m hoping that by admitting to these five issues it’ll somehow get etched into my brain and remain there as a reminder.
Being (very) overweight means:
1. Walking is a struggle. I get shin splints from walking very short distances and an aching hip / lower back (note this is an old injury which has obviously been exacerbated by my weight gain). This makes any weight-bearing exercise problematic.
2. My joints are under more pressure. Following on from (1), if I have to stand for ages at the sink or vacuum (etc) my lower back and hip start to ache. (This is new.)
3. I’ve become one of those people who struggle to get out of low chairs. My sofa’s quite low and I’ve noticed that – like a fat person (yes, I am in denial!) – I have to plant my feet like a sumo wrestler to stand.
4. My stomach gets in the way. Often. The last time I did yoga I felt super-self -conscious of my large belly. It impeded HEAPS of poses and was really frustrating. In fact, it’s basically preventing me going back – which I realise is kinda ironic as some calorie-burning exercise would help my big distended belly!
5. I feel very unfit. Before I did Weight Watchers (and lost the 12kg earlier this year) I talked about having some heartburn and pains and being unable to take large breaths. That had improved a little but is problematic again.
The biggest challenge is to avoid labelling myself (fat, lazy, weak, pathetic – as examples of labels I would NEVER use!?!) and feeling sufficiently depressed that I give up completely, content to binge-eat myself into oblivion.
Leo Babauta’s Zen Habits sometimes annoys me cos he’s always so bloody virtuous and optimistic, but he suggests changing our habits or lifestyle is a matter of making small, iterative and sustainable changes, so I’m trying to jump on board that bandwagon. But more on that next time…
On the health / weight front, do you focus on how you feel rather than how you look?
Linking up With Some Grace today.