A few bloggers I follow (mostly from the other side of the world) have recently commented that they’ve lost their blogging, or health and fitness mojo. Well, sadly, I’m right there with them.
As you would know from my posts over the past 4-6 weeks, my motivation has been waning A LOT and just when I think it’s picking up, I fall in a heap again. I don’t know why. I don’t have reasons, just excuses. I know I’m pretty honest in this blog, but lately I am sometimes in such a funk I even wonder if I should be posting at all; or if I should ‘fake it’ and post something peppy and motivational; or… if I should just tell it like it really is. Which (I think) is what I mostly do.
At this morning’s weigh-in I was about 400g up on last week’s (on my parents’ scales). I am telling myself it is hormonal (THAT time of the month etc – I think, anyway) but who the hell knows. Although I mostly kept within my calorie limit last week I did substitute alcohol for real food (for lunch and snacks mostly) each day. I thought I’d be okay once I returned to my place (having spent over a week with my folks) but I’ve been ALMOST as wayward. Yesterday I slept in, then blogged, then consumed a large bowl of buttered and flavoured popcorn after midday for ‘brunch’. After an almost-2hr pampering treatment I was tired and trying to stop myself wanting chocolate so went to bed, only to wake mid evening to contemplate yet another bowl of 400+ calorie popcorn. Thankfully I didn’t do it – scrambled an egg instead and had an 800 calorie day… appropriate given that the late afternoon / early evening snooze meant I skipped my daily exercise. Argh!
Today I’d signed up for early morning pilates – my first lesson in about 6 weeks (and not too early given that I’m on holidays!). It would appear my spiral into lack-of-motivational hell would coincide with my lack of enthusiasm for pilates. But, first I had to get on the scales. I knew it wasn’t going to be pretty but braced myself. And… Argh again! It wasn’t. Pretty, that is. Feeling a tad miserable I started dressing which is when I caught a glimpse of myself in my large bathroom mirror.
As you’d be aware, I try to avoid mirrors wherever possible. And cameras. They just remind me how far-from-perfect I am. And when I’m feeling good, they drag me down. But today as I yanked my long (size 20 – now a bit too big) legging things on I noticed that my stomach and hips were less scary than they were four months ago. Without my long baggy t-shirt (hiding all sorts of sins) I could see my body and I was surprised. Sure, it’s not great. It undoubtedly isn’t even good given that I’ve got about 30kg to go to get to my goal weight… but it wasn’t flabby and bulgy like it once was.
And on arrival home as I lay in the bathtub (with my diet coke – yes, I know…) and cereal and yoghurt – as you do (if you are me). I was reminded of the fact that, just a few months ago, the bathtub was a bit squeezy for me. I had to splash water on my hips and butt as I lowered myself into the bath so I didn’t feel ‘wedged’ up against the side. Now, it’s still a tight fit, but I don’t feel as uncomfortable AND self-conscious in the place which is one of my favourites.
I had been hoping I’d be motivated by the time I embarked on the second round of this weight loss program, but alas… here I am, over a week in and still floundering. And I notice I keep writing about having to pull myself out of the hole I’m currently buried in and rediscover my mojo, but I suspect the main difference between my attempt this time and last time, isn’t a ‘headspace’ or ‘mindset’ issue, rather one of perserverence and ‘digging deep’, and one of JUST FUCKING DOING IT. NOT talking about it, NOT writing about it. But DOING IT!
I can’t promise that I’ll get there and that I won’t keep writing these misery-laden posts, but I hope not. I can still remember a “Feelin’ Groovy” post I did last round. Because I was. Feelin’ groovy. In fact, at the time I was feeling great. Light, energetic, motivated, in control. And most importantly, I was feeling happy.