Two weeks into my renewed weight loss efforts and things are still going swimmingly. And I must confess I find it quite perplexing… that one minute I’m behaving so dastardly (eating everything in sight, thousands and thousands of calories in a day and unable to refrain from partaking in the odd caramello koala or 12); but then the next, well… I’m not; it is seriously like someone flicks a switch and I’m ‘good’.
Yes, yes, I know I need to stop the ‘good/bad’ food, behaviour-type language…. but it is essentially true.
It’s not that I’m not tempted. HELLO, I AM JUST FLESH AND BONE (well, possibly a bit fleshier than I’d like)! But my resolve is holding strong.
My exercise is still going well. I’m sticking to my weekdays of ‘something’ and feeling very liberated and less stressed after the contemplation which went into my recent Born to Run post. This week I did two cardio circuit classes, one of which was very strength-focussed which was fine with me; I did a Pump class and even finally increased one of the weights I’ve been using; I did a cardio session of my own involving the treadmill, cross-trainer, bike and rowing machine; and am planning a weekend walk because I was unwell one weekday.
Food-wise I’ve been pretty good. As yet, no junk food has passed these lips. I have, however, indulged in some wine – despite my ‘no wine on a schoolnight’ plan. I’ve included it in my calories however and have continued to skip carbohydrates on the nights I have wine.
In terms of my other goals, I’m trying to write more regularly in my other blog. I’ve got a brief extension at work while they finalise the position I aim to apply for. AND… I’ve queried our Human Resources team about the notion of working four days a week rather than five. I would have to broach it with my manager, but hope to do that in coming weeks. I’ve worked out the sums and losing 1/5 of my salary is quite a big chunk of money. I could request to compress my hours, so work an extra 7-8 hours across four days to get the day off…. but, while it would be financially preferable it’s not keeping with the spirit of my increased commitment to work/life balance.
Finally, the all-important numbers…. Da-dum.
—oOo—
I actually drafted the above post on Thursday evening. I had come home slightly early from work, unwell and accidentally (?!?!) slept for 2.5hrs meaning that I couldn’t sleep when it was time for bed and stayed up late blogging. I’d intended to finish it off Friday evening, after a morning weigh-in so it was ready for posting on Saturday.
On Friday morning before work I jumped on the scales – which I had been doing throughout the week. Because it was THAT time of the month my weight had been up and down a bit, but… circling around last week’s weight. Naturally I assumed (because of fluid retention) that meant by the time I was no longer walking about looking like the Michelin Man a kilo or two would have melted off my body. But – Friday morning there was no change. Despite the puffiness subsiding.
I knew I still had a day before weigh-in, but the most disturbing thing about it all was that EVERYTHING I’d written above no longer mattered. When just hours before I was quite chuffed with myself for sticking to calories, doing exercise and starting to get back into my writing…. some bloody numbers deflated me COMPLETELY. I sulked about all day at work on Friday, feeling bereft and depressed and ‘blah’. And it was surprisingly confronting how easily I let it get to me and how much it impacted on everything else.
I’ve posted previously about the overimportance of the numbers on the scales, in More than numbers and The scales of judgement, but…. keep hoping I’ve ‘evolved’ a bit. Obviously not. I got on the scales again on Saturday. And they were up! WTF?! Despite a nice low-calorie day on Friday. Grrrr….. it preoccupied me ALL day and immediately I was tempted to ‘throw in the towel’. Albeit temporarily. I mean, when I thought about it (ie. fought with that bitch of an inner critic I’ve now called Myra) I knew I still wanted to lose weight… so I needed to keep going. BUT the temptation to say, “Fuck it!” and go on a binge was overwhelming. However… I fought with Myra and held strong. Despite coming across some serious danger food while out and about.
And… I was proud of myself. Until Sunday rolled around, and the scales had moved upwards AGAIN. I have no idea how much because the numbers kept changing each of the 12,343,659 times I got on. “Perhaps they’re faulty,” I told myself. Yeah, sure. “It couldn’t possibly be your fault,” said Myra sarcastically.
I ignored her all day. But wallowed. And wallowed. And wallowed. Myra had me contemplating ALL of the bad things I could eat, because, well because, “Fuck it!” I pondered on chocolate, pizza, hot chips, corn chips and all sorts of foods which shouldn’t be consumed when one is counting calories and attempting to lose weight. Eventually Myra and I came to an agreement: that I would have chinese takeaway for dinner. “Something I enjoy and feels special, but not too unhealthy,” I told Myra uncertainly. She smiled acquiescently… so I should have known she had something up her sleeve. And, while out picking it up, with nary a second, thought I stopped twice on the way home for extra supplies!
I won’t go into the detail as I think I shocked someone recently when I talked about some of the crap I consumed, so have decided to be a little less sharing on that front. Needless to say just half an hour later I was so full I could barely move and so tired I could barely stay awake.
Naturally some self-loathing ensued and I couldn’t sleep because I was too full and because I’d spent half the day in bed wallowing.
And now… a new day has dawned (here in Oz) and I suspect the scales would deliver an even more dire verdict if I was brave enough for that confrontation. But I’m not. Given my reaction to their recent news the last thing I need is even more fodder for Myra.
I read two other posts on the weekend by those who’d had similar experiences and reactions following a less-than-stellar weigh-in. So here’s where I’m at. I’ve learnt that I’m not as resilient as I’d hoped and my coping skills still need A LOT of work. I’ve learnt that I’m still too focussed on the numbers and they have the ability to negate everything else that’s been going well. But…. I also know I’m NOT ready to give up on this losing-weight caper. I have a long way to go, but I think I am making some progress. I am just flesh and bone. I make mistakes and stumble. But all I can do is keep getting up, dust myself off and try again.
January 16, 2012
I don’t like that reactions from readers made you feel like you want to share less. This is YOUR blog, YOUR space to write what you need to write. If stop sharing, and start hiding, where will it end? I try and push myself to be SUPER honest on the blog because when I want to hide something, I find that I’m really just hiding it from myself.
January 16, 2012
Thanks Julia!
January 17, 2012
Agreed Julia! xx
January 17, 2012
True Ange, but it’s hard not to feel a bit self-conscious sometimes…. *Sigh*
January 16, 2012
I know I sort of already said this on my reply to your comment, but I totally understand where you are coming from. It’s crazy how you can be the good little soldier, facing bravely the trenches of the diet war, but the next it’s like someone flipped the switch and you’re that crazy guy that runs out and gets himself (or herself) blown up. I think we should all agree that numbers are stupid. That is the only logical deduction.
January 16, 2012
Reading your blog post today about NOT weighing made me wonder if that’s possible for me for a while. The losses keep me motivated but if I’m going to get obsessive about the numbers, maybe I just need to focus on what I’m eating and what I’m ‘doing’ (exercise-wise) and assume my weight will head in the right direction…. I wonder…
January 16, 2012
I have really been struggling with my depression (including eating) lately and just confessed on my Weight Watchers blog. I mean…we get so many points per day, per week extra and above that. I’d eat all that, plus all the activity points I’d earn plus an extra 0-200 points above and beyond and used to lose weight because of all the exercise I was doing. But not anymore. However, that is what I am used to eating. So, now something has to change.
Not to mention that I was coming home and not taking care of anything. This weekend, I vacuumed for first time in three weeks, did dishes for first time in forever, cleaned litter box for cats finally…etc. There are things I still need to do today, so we’ll see what I can get done… but I think that it has just all snowballed and now I have to take care of it!!
So, not totally the exact same, but I do feel ya and where you are coming from!!
January 16, 2012
Thanks Runa. It sounds like me… when I’m being healthy EVERYTHING else improves as well. I’ve been wallowing a bit since last Friday, but before that I was so motivated about everything. Grrrr…. Like you, when it’s not going well I’m apathetic about everything!
Hopefully we can both get on track.
Deb
January 16, 2012
I wish i understood that switch because I have it as well and right now I’m “on” but I have no idea how I got here:) As for the the scale and letting those numbers get into our heads… been there, done that. I thought I had gotten so much better at this, honestly. But on Jan 1 I saw a number I had hoped not to ever see in 2012 despite NOT going wild on New Year’s eve and it sent me into an eating tail spin. Sigh.
So… let’s just eat well and enjoy how it makes us feel. Switch or no switch. Scale be darned.
January 16, 2012
I notice Karen’s comment above talks about ‘not weighing’ herself. This is a bit scary but I wonder if it’s something I could try for a while.
It frustrates me that I know the answers and STILL react or respond in the same way. Grrrr….
January 18, 2012
Why not try? I don’t think I could. For me, personally, I can do a lot of damage in a few short days. So I don’t think I’d dare put away the scale. But I have read accounts from many who have found great success and emotional stability with doing that for themselves.
January 18, 2012
I’m a bit like you Karen… the numbers can jump very quickly! I guess IF my eating was under control I could try it… though that’s usually when I don’t need to!
January 16, 2012
I haven’t weighed myself in almost three years. I won’t even let the doctor weigh me. The only numbers that matter to me are cholesterol, BP, blood sugar, resting heart rate, and so on. They’re all really good now.
I know my way is not for everyone, but I do know that I had to take a break from weighing myself because I allowed it to set in motion a destructive cycle. And even though I don’t know how much I weigh, I know I’ve lost weight. I also know when I gain a pound or two. And I know when I’ve lost it again.
Who knows? Some day I may get back on the scale, but for now, not weighing myself feels better…and it works (for me). And more importantly, just because I don’t weigh myself, it doesn’t mean I’ve given up.
January 16, 2012
Wow Karen, I love the idea of not weighing myself. I’ve tried it before but it’s meant that I wasn’t able to track how I was going and the lack of weighing impacted on my motivation. For example, my clothes would get loose… but I still didn’t feel as if there was a significant change. Given that I was (then) about 40-50kg overweight, it occured to me that for my clothes to loosen I may have lost 10kg (22lbs of so) but not realised it was such a good amount.
BUT… the scales are only helpful when they’re going down. Less so if I’m trying hard and they’re not moving. Just a perplexing issue.
Deb
January 17, 2012
Hi Deb! Well, I personally think you’re on fire with your eating. And you definitely know if you’re eating to gain or lose. So screw that scale if it says your glycogen or sodium is making you retain water, or whatever the hell the reason is why a person can eat really well calorically (probably sp!) and then gain on the scale.
🙂 Marion
January 17, 2012
Thanks Marion. Am back on the wagon / in the saddle / on the horse (bike etc)… though I possibly need to hide the scale for a while (got on yesterday and was more again). Why, oh why?!?!
January 17, 2012
thinking about you this morning and CHEERING YOU ON from TX.
January 17, 2012
Thanks Miz. I’m trying to stay off the scales for a few days!!!