It’s my party…. (and I’ll skive off if I want to)

Tuesday, November 29, 2011 Permalink

Everyone (in the Universe – because they ALL read my blog) knows by now that this round of my weight loss program has been a bit of a fizzer for me. After losing almost 20kg (over 40lbs) in the first twelve week round I had intended to lose at least half of that in this second round. Well… “How did I go?” you ask. DON’T MENTION THE WAR! (To quote Basil Faulty… and if you don’t know who he is…  feel free to ignore that pop culture reference!)

I’ve spent much of the last 11 weeks of the program justifying why I’ve not lost weight, angsting about my lack of progress and overanalysing every action (and inaction) to death. But… I summed things up last week by stoically saying: sure I didn’t get to where I wanted to be (or anywhere bloody near it) but… I’m still about 24-25kg less than I was when I embarked on the first round of the program. I haven’t reached (the much-aspired-to) double digits yet, BUT I have been exercising six days a week over recent weeks. And it would only take a bit of tweaking to my food and alcohol intake and I’d be living pretty healthily. So – all is not lost.

And I do believe that. Mostly.

It's my partyWhen the round started I’d intended on going to the national finale party (last round it was here in my current hometown of Brisbane, but this round it is in Sydney). I was quite excited at the idea of a nice long weekend away, staying in some lovely hotel and catching up with virtual friends from around the country, as well as Brisbane-ites travelling there; all while celebrating my amazing weight loss in a fabulous new frock. But… my lack of progress meant that I decided a few weeks ago that I wasn’t really feeling ‘worthy’ of interstate celebrations. Instead I decided just to attend a local finale party being held the week before the biggie.

Which… as it happens it is almost upon us. It is, in fact, THIS (coming) Saturday night. The venue’s booked, the money’s due, frocks have been purchased (though not by me – obviously!). And so forth. And yet…. I am wavering. I’m not sure I can listen to others’ success stories without feeling full of self-pity. And guilt. Despite my ‘It’s not all bad, I should be happy I weigh a lot less, am healthier etc…’ rhetoric, when I’ve been to group trainings recently the green-eyed monster in me has been envious that others have continued on with their weight loss and done far better than I.

Yes… it’s true. I am (indeed) a horrible B-I-A-T-C-H!

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t begrudge others their weight loss. I’m sure they’ve worked bloody hard for it. But… THAT SHOULD BE ME! Yes… regular readers will know I’ve been here before. Envying the lives of others. I know I said I’d rise above petty jealousy and become this more evolved person, but….

I know I can’t change SOME things, but there are other things I can. And I know it is MY responsibility and ONLY I can take action – and I guess I am slowly and steadily doing that. But… I’m not there yet. And – because I’m not there yet, I don’t think I’m ready to par-tay.

On one hand, perhaps being there will motivate me (or guilt me) into getting back on track… but on the other hand, I don’t feel like celebrating. I mean, if I suddenly lost a few kilograms this week it would all change and I’d be partying with everyone else. But, alas… if I’m really honest (and there’s no point in not being so here) I’m a jealous cow and not ready to partake in others’ celebrations. And that – sadly – is the cold hard truth of the matter.

  • Marion
    November 29, 2011

    Hi Deb! I always think that the attitude above shows that you still got a *lot* of energy behind your weight loss goals. I actually wish I had more attitude. Some days, I just feel a hundred miles away from thoughts on weight loss. I’d rather feel what you describe above than a total lack of attitude that I’ve had lately.

    🙂 Marion

    • rockafellaskank
      November 29, 2011

      That’s an interesting take Marion… I guess it does show I still ‘want’ it… enough to envy others who do, that’s for sure!

  • carrie
    November 29, 2011

    Could you possibly be my cyber BFF because I feel exactly the same way about two women at work who started out being much heavier than I am and now weigh less? I don’t begrudge them their weight loss, but I sure as heck wish it had been me. I wish I was the one wearing the smaller size, having people compliment me on how great I looked and knowing I could maintain the loss and have french fries every once in a while.
    I know they worked long and hard at their loss while I continued to eat everything that passed my way, but still…I wish it was me.
    It will be, it’s just not me right now. I have to believe it will be me because I deserve this and so do you! I think you should celebrate the small losses as well as the big. It’s the small losses that add up to big losses in the long run.

    • rockafellaskank
      November 29, 2011

      Thanks Carrie. It’s hard when you feel jealous, but know you shouldn’t be, but can’t help it. I discovered this year I won’t / can’t (?!) have kids and am struggling with a friend who’s pregnant… on one hand I know it didn’t come easy for her and it involved IVF and she’s in her mid-late 30s, but then again… she wanted it and it worked. Obviously I’m happy for her as she’d catastrophised about being able to get pregnant, but on the other… the jealous part of me thinks it’s not fair and should be me! (I expect similar news from two of my best friends REALLY don’t know how I’ll cope then!). Initially I had another paragraph in this post about how on Sunday I went to my niece’s ballet concert and was surrounded by families and mums and kids and again I felt like my nose was being rubbed in it… but I realise it’s not the fault of these poor mothers – they just take (what they have) for granted and it’s me that needs to cope with my feelings. It doesn’t help though!

      I guess I know I should focus on the small losses and be grateful I haven’t gained! I’m starting to think I SHOULD go to the party… and deal with whatever feelings engulf me then (or just drink lots!)

  • sweetopiagirl
    November 29, 2011

    Reblogged this on inspiredweightloss.

    • rockafellaskank
      November 29, 2011


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