I’ve mentioned a few times recently that I’ve started yoga. At this stage I’m only doing Yoga Chi Gung which doesn’t involve a lot difficult poses. It’s more about the breath and it’s weird that I kinda enjoy it as I’ve never been great at being ‘still’ and zen-like.
I spend A LOT of time alone and to others I probably have very little on my plate… so it’d be easy to think that I sit about all day doing nothing and communing with nature. Or catching zzzzzzzs.
But it’s not quite like that. Even now, when I’m not-working, I spend nearly all day at my desk. I will occasionally have a nanna nap and at night I watch TV. I never really just ‘sit and be’.
I’ve mentioned before that I struggle to sleep. My mind goes crazy and it occurs to me that it’s cos it’s the first time all day I’ve NOT done anything or been preoccupied with other stuff. My still mind can be a bit manic – if that makes sense – but it is also when I’m at my most creative and inspired.
I am not sure everyone who knows me will agree, but I actually feel like I’m a temperamental person. I’m uptight and sometimes I feel like I’m ready to unfurl at any moment. And if I did / do… then it may get ugly.
I want to be zen. And not in a Edina (from Absolutely Fabulous) way, just cos I think it’s cool. And not in too much of a hippy-trippy way so that I become TOO laid back or appear a little mentally-spacey (and yes, I do know people like that!).
I suspect it’s the control freak in me that wants to be able to calm myself and control my thinking. But, more than that, I want to be able to let go of stuff. I want to be able to move on from things from my past that keep me stuck, and I want to be able to move forward without being overly-angsty about things that might or might not happen.
I like the idea of meditation but have only dabbled in a passing flirtation to date. My end-of-yoga meditations are teaching me a bit about myself and my style of blissing-out.
A couple of months ago, for example, a person specialising in sound alchemy took the meditation and – I’m not sure why – but it really affected me. I’m an auditory person, I’ve realised… so sounds are important. I’m not visual so struggle to visualise during meditation sessions (being in a forest / by a creek… #meh!).
Last year I won a Jennifer Polle CD, which I loved but lost during my move. I recently bought another (though via MP3…. so I didn’t have to wait for delivery!) called Clearing Emotional Blocks, a meditation of sorts.
I love this CD (Jennifer’s voice is SO calming!) and have listened to it A LOT. Mostly I tend to zone in and out. Almost every time I’ve heard something different. I’m not sure if that’s normal. Last week for the first time I sat (rather than lay down) to listen to the 30min meditation and was impacted in the same way I was the first time. I cried in a certain part. But because I was ‘in the zone’ I couldn’t cry properly…. tears just escaped from my eyes and trickled down my face and I was powerless to stop them or wipe them away. (A strange sensation!)
But what I’m wondering I guess is whether I need to go to meditation classes or lessons, or whether it’s something I can do myself? I’m not big on ‘acceptable-places’: in that… I’m not religious, but I don’t feel those who are need to go to church to prove it. And… I feel no need to visit the crematorium where my father’s ashes lie, because he is with me all of the time.
So… is there a right / wrong way to meditate, I wonder? Should be perfecting my technique before trying it at home?
In any event, I’m finding I’m less concerned about NOT doing weights or Body Pump classes. I’m less anxious about Zumba, running or high impact cardio. I’m starting to imagine a life where I walk daily and yoga several times a week (my budget permitting) and in between, I focus on stilling my mind and unleashing more passion and creativity into my world.
Does this make any sense at all?
Do you meditate?
Do you think there’s a need to learn how?