In yesterday’s post I started a two-parter about the latest weekly lesson from my weight-loss program’s leader, Michelle Bridges.

The theme was self-sabotage (SS) and Michelle started her message by talking about the fact that not all of us who fall off the dieting wagon are exhibiting SS behaviour, but rather sometimes making conscious decisions to do so.

Self-saboteurs, she suggested, are constantly looking for an excuse to throw in the towel. (HELLO, did someone call my name?!!)

Michelle talked about SS often arising out of fear (of failure or success etc) and being derived from a lack of faith in ourselves.  She also commented on our self-worth being akin to a bank account, which should be positive, or  ‘in the black’.  (That is, of course, unless you wish your bank account to operate ‘in the red’ for reasons of negative gearing or tax deductions and things I know nothing of!)

As I watched the message I was reminded of a movie we’ve started seeing advertised here in Oz, called In Time, in which we (people) seem to be given x amount of time to live; and our actions either withdraw from, or deposit into, that total. Whoa! I have to admit I’m not sure I’ll go and see it as the notion even freaks me out a bit!

Michelle asked us:
How is your self-worth bank balance looking?

She reminded us that – like any bank account – we need to make more deposits than withdrawals, and asked us to think about what nourishes us and makes us ‘richer’. As I’ve recently written about things for which I am grateful and that bring me joy, many of her suggestions (friends, movies, books, eating healthily and exercising) all made sense. Similarly, as I’ve written about my ‘failures’ (binge-eating and not tracking my calories) and other current stressors in my life (my father going into palliative care etc) these made sense too.

Michelle listed a number of steps to assist us in moving forward, including MOVING ON from our self-worth issues or baggage. She reminded us that the past shouldn’t define us; and who we are today is influenced by the choices we make IN THE PRESENT.

You may have noticed (or not… as the case may be) that I’m starting to feel a bit better and more in control – evidenced by eating healthily and sticking to my calorie limits, and less catastrophising blog posts! I suspect that’s because my self-worth bank balance has moved into the black. I was letting myself be hammered by a range of issues and compounding that by making bad choices. As per yesterday’s post: I can’t control the crap in my life BUT I can control how I react and the choices I make. Similarly, I can do things to nourish and nurture my self-worth account balance.

I have to admit, when I think of my attitude and behaviour of late, I’ve been visualising a person being weighted down and drowning; but now I can see that I’m treading water, desperately trying to stay afloat – and, I am. Staying afloat. I am surviving.

I also now realise I’ve under-estimated the value of some potential deposits into my self-worth account. I’ve bitched and whined recently about how overwhelmed I’ve felt on this weight-loss program and the enthusiasm and achievements of some of the participants. Yet, on Sunday I went to my FIRST program-related group activity for this round (whereas I went to something most weekends last time). And surprisingly, I think it helped. I’m not sure why as I didn’t really bare my soul to anyone or feel buoyed by the circuit session itself, but perhaps it was the sense of shared purpose or connection. Either way, I left knowing I was part of something and it felt good. I felt better.