I was going to link this post to a previous one (or perhaps two) I have written about ‘control’. But when I searched my blog I got PAGES of hits. It seems I write about control a lot. More than a lot. Some of the mentions were just me commenting that my eating was ‘out of control’, but many discussed my feeling of being ‘in control’ (like this one). Or not.

So.. it seems I have oft mentioned the fact that I am (it could be said) a control freak. I maintain rigid control of all aspects of my life (and my world) other than all-things-diet-related. And, my eating, drinking and lack of exercise are SO out of control that I am 48kgs heavier than the top of my ideal weight range. But (as I have also mentioned) it wasn’t always like this. The books say that one of the reasons girls develop anorexia nervosa is because they are not in control of their lives and the only thing they believe they can control is what they put into their mouth and what they ‘do’ with their body (in terms of exercise). How I did an about-turn and went from a 45-47kg anorexic teenager to a 128kg 43 year old baffles me. I know I spent 10 or so years pretty ‘fucked in the head’ (a technical term!) after I started gaining weight, where I suffered much angst about everything I put in my mouth and mostly wanted to die because I was mentally and emotionally exhausted from my yo-yoing world of dieting, or not dieting. But the last 10+years have passed by in a whirl of binge eating and apathy.

The control issue was obvious when I went to fat camp (just under 2 years ago). It was hugely challenging to me as NOTHING was in my control. The first two weeks were extremely traumatic as I knew nothing about what to expect. In fact, I expected we would spend days in the gym working out (sort of in my comfort zone) but instead our ‘circuits’ were outside and involved running up and down hills. And doing burpees. We travelled to locations to trek up mountain ranges, or climb stairs. Hills were a theme. I hate hills. In fact I hate walking up inclines of any kind. Needless to say I hated exercising at fat camp. But (other than the hills) the ‘not knowing’ what was ahead was most difficult. When I arrived there were participants already part way through longer programs. Because they thought it would be good for me they refused (my endless questions) to tell me what was coming or what each programmed activity entailed. As a result I spent the first two weeks tied in knots and terrified with anticipation of what was to come. The same people commented on the change in me over my second (and final) fortnight. I tried to explain that it was because I now knew what was involved. I wasn’t entirely at the mercy of the unknown. I still dreaded the hills, but I knew what they were and when they were. I had some control.

Before I give up on dieting completely and go down the weight-loss surgery route, I am thinking of trying Michelle Bridges’ 12 week Body Transformation Challenge. I have nothing to lose. I guess. I wrote about my interest in the program a week or so ago and was surprised at the level of support I got (here and on Twitter) from those already doing the program. I’ve put my name down and expect to get some pre-Challenge info soon (the next round starts in late May).  But I already find myself with lots of questions (and – in true control freak style – am loath to wait until formal notification comes through). I am aware that the ‘Challenge’ is basically an online program, and there are forums and webcasts to support the participants. But I note some participants talk about ‘checking in’ to get measurements done and get weighed, and I wonder if this takes place somewhere, or is done by the participant at home. And, if there are fitness tests, is this something you do yourself (ie. self inflicted!!!), or undertaken en-masse somewhere. I have to admit I hope it’s the former because someone else measuring my fitness (or measuring it against others) scares the shit out of me. I am very very unfit. Sadly.

I have written before about my dodgy hip, so hope there is some flexibility in exercise and that we aren’t all expected to start running, or aspire to start running. At the moment (for me), walking without getting shin splints would be kinda nice. I also wonder if Michelle prescribes a special diet, or gives guidance in terms of calories or types of food to be consumed. I am a tad fussy (okay, the only fruit I eat are apples – and only when forced) and I don’t eat green leafy vegetables. Or broccoli or cauliflower (which scare me because they look like part of the brain). And, if I have to give up caffeine (which I inhale in the form of vanilla diet coke, by the bucketful) it could very nearly kill me.

So, as you can see I have many questions, so any advice or answers to allay my fears would be very much appreciated.

*Fats and Thin concept 1 from Jasoneppink via Flickr