I did something sort of momentous on the weekend. (And no, I don’t mean the fact that I finally changed this blog over to my own domain name, after almost a year of talking about it!)
I agreed to go away for a few days in April. By plane.
Now, the reason that this is amazing isn’t because I am flight-phobic in any way. It’s because I haven’t been on a plane for about a year and a half. Again, not because flying scares me, or because I can’t afford to fly. Long time readers of my blog may recall a blog post from almost a year ago, about the fact that my best friend had (over a year before) moved overseas and I hadn’t yet visited (even though a flight from Australia to New Zealand would be less expensive than my upcoming Brisbane-Melbourne flights!). In that post I confessed to my fear of not fitting into the aeroplane seats. I’d never had the problem before, but knew I was a bit bigger than I’d been when I’d previously flown. In fact, in all honesty, my fear was less about fitting into the seats as it was about how larger people are perceived when travelling, which had received increasing media attention and fucked with my paranoid mind.
I used to travel a lot. I’ve lived overseas on occasions and after returning to Australia ten years ago, had a job for the first year that involved regular overseas trips to neighbouring countries. Even some of my subsequent work involved some air travel around the State… but I didn’t think much about it. I just dutifully turned up at the airport as required, went wherever and returned home again.
But, as I gained weight I became more self-conscious. A feeling exacerbated by much of the debate around bigger people travelling. In the previous post I jumped on my soapbox momentarily to complain about prejudice against we larger folk, although if I’m really honest, I’d probably cringe just as much if I was next to a very large person. The issue made the media here again recently with an ex airline Executive suggesting that bigger people should pay more. I’m sure he had a logical reason (fuel costs etc), but the disheartening thing about it, were the online comments which flowed from the story. People were mean and people were nasty. The term ‘fatty’ was bandied about liberally.
Is it any wonder I’ve steered clear of aeroplane seats? I worry enough about taking up more than my space on my daily train commute.
My recent houseguest had worked overseas with me and continues to travel a lot. When I told him my reasons for not flying he was shocked. “But you’re not obese!” he said. (Ummm… I should do the sums, cos I probably still am!) “Well, I have lost 25kg since I wrote that post,” I said to him. And it’s true. I’m lighter than when I’ve flown previously. I don’t THINK I’m still worried about the seating issue… But nevertheless – I’ve delayed any travel.
I’m not sure why. My antipathy towards ‘being away’ could fill a million blog posts, so I won’t go there. I suspect some of it comes down to a self-consciousness that comes with being bigger. But again – many big people go about life as if they ‘belong’ there. Many have partners, they travel and have normal lives.#
But, when my sister-in-law suggested my mother and I join her, my brother and niece on their trip south in April, I realised I had no reason for saying no. In fact, I’m quite looking forward to it. That alone is an achievement and I seem to be slowly realising I can’t keep putting my life on hold and I too deserve to do fun stuff.#
Although, having said all of that, I seriously need to be in double digits by then (which I hope to be the case… and please someone beat me about the head if I’m not!).
# Eek… rather than delete these paragraphs I’m making a note to dedicate (yet another) post to this issue of ‘worthiness’, because even I realise that saying I don’t ‘deserve’ to go about my everyday life is kinda sucky!
February 6, 2012
This post hit home with me. In exactly one month, I have to get on a plane, and I’m scared to death about it. I AM obese, had trouble in the movie theater seat last night, and am also very sensitive to the big people/flying controversy. Here in the States, there has even been talk of charging big people for 2 tickets.
BUT, I keep preaching to all who will listen that it’s no good to postpone life because of a number on a scale. So, I guess I have to practice what I preach and climb on that plane. Now I’m debating buying a seatbelt extender (which feels like admitting I’m not going to lose weight) vs. asking for one when I board (the shame, the embarrassment, and what happens if they don’t have any more — I get kicked off?).
And then there’s the event itself that is requiring that I travel. A retreat that I “should” be looking forward to but I’m not because of my self consciousness around my size. No decent clothes (you know the kind of clothes that make you look instantly slim!). Well, you know the drift.
I wonder how long I’ll continue to allow my weight to cheat me out of joy? Not much longer I hope. When will I decide I’m paying way too big a price and do something serious about my weight? Soon I hope.
February 6, 2012
Oh Carol, I completely understand! I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but it’s reassuring to hear others have the same thoughts. I was almost agog as I realised I was writing about the fact that I ‘shouldn’t’ do certain things because I don’t deserve it or feel self-conscious. Sometimes (most often) it’s also us worrying about how OTHERS judge us, rather than how we feel (if that makes sense).
The best friend I mention is currently a flight attendant and I’ve talked to her about this a bit. She travels around Pacific Islands where the population is often larger-framed and she said she won’t ever ASK anyone if they need the extension, but usually they will catch her eye and she tries to be as subtle as possible. I like to think other flight attendants are that considerate… but I’ve read blog posts by people who’ve had horror experiences and been questioned by airline staff in front of other passengers etc.
But I do agree…. we can’t keep letting life pass us by – what’s that saying about ‘putting up or shutting up’? Of course – easier said than done!
Deb
February 6, 2012
It is hard to see yourself as other see you, especially when it comes to things we are self-conscious about. If you can, use the trip as something to look forward to, motivation for being happy (not crash dieting) – like a light at the end of the tunnel. I can’t wait to read about the journey there, and the actual trip!
February 6, 2012
Thanks Julia. My niece is going in a beauty pageant there so my mum and I will go along as well. My mother hasn’t ever been to Melbourne (and I’ve only been twice and one of those occasions was just a day trip for work), so it will be good to do some exploring.
I’m not feeling as nervous about the seats, as I would have been 25kg ago – plus I’ll probably be sitting next to a family member and surely THEY won’t cast dirty glances at me. (Well… my brother might, but…. – hee hee!).
February 6, 2012
what I choose to take away from this post is – MELBOURNE SHOPPING!!!!!!
February 6, 2012
Melly, see the problem is I might not be in a ‘position’ (physically) to do any shopping (ie. too far from my goal weight!). Alas….
February 6, 2012
You are not alone in the whole airplane seat thing. I have a blog friend who has been sharing her own fears of a coming trip. Kudos to you for not letting it keep you from going!
February 7, 2012
Thanks Karen. I’m feeling a lot more zen about this trip than I might have 25kg ago, I must confess… though a few more kgs down will be handy – for so many reasons!
February 7, 2012
First, hugs, and second, I am so glad you included that last bit.
It’s funny, I have never liked the phrase, “fake it til you make it” but I have found another one that says the same thing but in a way that doesn’t make me cringe: “act as if.”
I have a plane trip planned for the end of Feb/early March and I am dreading it too…not for the same reason, but because of my phobia of other people throwing up. So far, it hasn’t kept me off a plane, but over the past six months my anxiety has gotten much worse, so I don’t know.
February 7, 2012
Oh Karen, that would be problematic. I haven’t come across that (others being sick) while travelling but I can imagine that if you did, it would stick with you!
Re the last bit…. yes. I need to ponder a bit more on that!
Deb