In my other blog I’ve written about the concept of a ‘do-over’ and of parallel lives; and of the path not taken. In these posts, and in this blog I talk about my many regrets. If I had my time over, I would change…. Sadly (unlike the show Being Erica, referred to in my other blog), I have not been granted the opportunity to do things differently, or right past wrongs. Alas.
I was sitting on the train, travelling into work this morning and caught a glimpse of my reflection. I have written here before about how I’m always surprised at how big I really am. Sure, I do sometimes (often?) feel porky and revolting, but I openly admit that I don’t really have any idea of my actual size. Until I am confronted ‘with’ it in some way. I try as hard as possible not to be photographed.; and I only look briefly in a mirror each morning as I put my contact lenses in, so rarely see the full me.
This morning I was caught unawares. I was sitting in a side-on seat and looking about aimlessly when the person across from me stood up to leave the train. And there it was. My reflection in the window opposite. Today I am wearing this long loose dress/shirt type thing over long pants. Everything is black except my v.cute and colourful necklace (matryoshka dolls threaded on a long leather cord); which meant all I could see was a large dark blob. A large wide dark blob. Of course once it’d gotten my attention I felt compelled to take peeks despite my best efforts. I didn’t want to see for the same reason I don’t have my photograph taken or look in mirrors. Is it denial or self-preservation I wonder? Sure I don’t want to admit to my girth so that I can continue binge eating my way through all of the Easter chocolate sales, but I suspect my avoidance is more complicated. This world of oblivion in which I dwell allows me to go about my everyday business without despising myself too much.
Today’s reflection reminded me of an occasion following my return from fat camp (about two years ago). I’d lost about 14 – 15kg in the month I spent there, but was still about 110kg. However, no carbohydrates (including sugar, booze etc) for a month and 3-5hrs of daily exercise probably meant I was a bit leaner than my weight indicated. And, on the day in question I stepped into the elevator at work and for some reason I looked into the mirrored walls. And I was shocked. But in a good way. Even now I still remember how surprised I was at my flat and lean-looking stomach. My girth was much decreased and it was a very pleasant surprise. I looked like a normal person.
When I think back to how proud I felt at that moment I regret what came after. I lost a little more weight but then got injured and stopped exercising. And started eating – and didn’t stop. I’d lost 20kg and then gained 25kg. Again.
There are many decisions in my past I’d like to change, and many times that I’d like to revisit and do things differently. I wish I’d never become anorexic. I wish I’d gotten help when I was anorexic so I ‘got better’ then, rather than having eating issues fester for the next 25+years. I wish I’d studied something different at University. I wish I’d made different career choices. AND I wish I’d continued on a MILLION weight loss journeys that I started, including the one which kicked off at fat camp and had me feeling proud of myself for once.