I’ve just finished a book by one of my favourite bloggers – and someone who I consider to be a ‘virtual blogging buddy’.
There was a lot to absorb in this book and I’m actually writing a post about it in my other blog as well (I do wonder if one day the two blogs will merge. It once seemed unlikely, but you never know…).
AFTER (the before & the after) details Karen’s ‘journey’ (yes, sorry to use a buzz word) from self-loathing to self-acceptance. I enjoyed the book immensely and could relate to it WAY MORE than I was expecting. Karen’s writing is hugely accessible and for me, had a sense of familiarity. It felt like a conversation with a friend – perhaps it’s because she’s a blogger and well-versed in thinking about her audience and writing ‘to’ her readers.
The other blog post will focus more on the concept of the journey and the notion of being ‘finished’, but in this blog I wanted to write about something (which was one of many things) which jumped out at me.
“I am not broken,” Karen said on several occasions. “I do not need to be fixed.”
The words have stayed with me: possibly because I’ve been in a state of flux; and feeling a tad fragile in general.
You may have noticed that, over the past few weeks my posts have become increasingly focussed on the notion of not-dieting and intuitive eating.
First there was my Back to Basics post – in which I commented how ‘jaded’ I was with this whole ‘dieting’ malarkey.
Then came my ‘What is normal?’ post – wondering if I’d even recognise ‘normal’ eating if I stumbled over it… given my all-or-nothing thinking has me either dieting or bingeing.
Then after some pondering I re-read the book, ‘If Not Dieting, Then What?’, and decided I’d not-diet and go down the ‘intuitive eating’ route instead.
And then… as I embarked on that journey I sprouted about the fact that I was ‘Feeling Pretty Good’ about my proposed way of life.
But… the doubt started to creep in. I attempted to buy a stack of food to have ‘on hand’ so – if I really wanted it I could eat it. But, I wasn’t quite as ‘ready’ as I’d hoped and – although I started well – I ended up bingeing on my danger food for most of the weekend. (The fact that this coincided with me being unwell didn’t help!)
By Sunday /Monday I was in a deep hole. “That’s it,” I decided. “I need to go back to dieting and count calories or something.” And naturally – as soon as I decided that I went shopping and bought more crap to eat as a ‘Last Supper’ BEFORE starting my diet the following day. Yep… I just perpetuated that whole bloody cycle. Yet again.
I was also feeling sick and miserable as I finished Karen’s book, pondering on the challenges she faced, which were – as I said – WAY too similar to my own.
“I am not broken.” Am I?
“I do not need fixing.” Don’t I?
Flippantly I would say yes. I often comment that I’m ‘f*cked in the head’. But if someone else says that about me (which has happened on occasions) I’m devastated. “No I’m not!” I think. “Sure, some of my behaviour leaves a bit to be desired, and I’m not perfect. But I’m not broken.”
I didn’t expect the move to ‘intuitive eating’ to go smoothly but I was confused and confronted. I’d tried and failed. Miserably. It seemed that I couldn’t trust myself (my mind or my body) to allow myself to eat what I wanted even IF I REALLY felt like it.
The ‘empowerment cards’ slideshow I included in my last post came at a perfect time. Keep in mind the fact I was sick, when I confess that I cried all of the way through them.
The ‘sometimes’ food and ‘often’ food slide literally leapt out at me. Author Dr Rick Kausman talks about the concept in his book as well.
I realised I’d again jumped to my all-or-nothing thinking. I was going to have whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it. Right now! No matter what! It was amazing I didn’t allow myself to buy chocolate over the weekend or things would seriously have gotten out of control. The corn chips and rice cake binge was bad enough.
Watching the slides allowed me pull myself out of the black hole I was spiralling into. I was able to be gentle with myself. “I am not broken.” I was reminded of the many suggestions from the “If Not Dieting” book. We aren’t supposed to take one day, or two days in isolation. Small steps. All is not lost. “I do not need to be fixed.”
To buy Karen’s book visit her website: http://www.kclanderson.com/
May 3, 2012
Love this. Love Karen. And no, you are NOT broken 🙂
May 3, 2012
Thanks Emmie. It’s funny sometimes as it’s not until someone else says something about you (that you may often say yourself) that it wakes you up to your own self-talk!
May 3, 2012
Hi Deb! Ah, this post and you, it’s not worth crying about. You honestly aren’t that overweight that it should hit you this hard.
I did wonder about the intuitive eating, because that seems to work best for people who are underweight to start with. I too have had my “last supper” so many times in my life. I know myself enough to know I *need* rules to keep myself in line.
You need to come to my gym to talk to the weightlifting guys about weight loss. They take it seriously, but it’s like they are talking about a foreign object, not themselves. They say something like, “I need to drop 20 pounds,” just like they are going to drop 2 bags of potatoes onto the floor. They literally show me the blubber they want to lose. They tell me about the fat lumps they’ve already lost. They don’t take it so personally. It’s refreshing. They don’t wonder if they love themselves regarding weight, because all the guys who lift heavy weights know they rock! Weightlifting is just like that. I’m a rock star over there, even if I have some extra pounds on me.
So get well and be kind to yourself. Keep perspective.
🙂 Marion
May 3, 2012
Thanks Marion. I think I’d like to be somewhere in between intuitive eating and having ‘rules’. I actually just noticed today at the gym, guys happily jumping on the scales in public and thought it’s rare that a woman would do that unless she was thin or not worried about her weight. You’re right, many guys can distance themselves from weight issues SO easily!
Deb
May 3, 2012
Wow…thank you! Its surreal to open a blog post and see my own book 🙂
The funny thing about intuitive eating is that it has become its own diet with rules, in a weird kind of way. Sometimes I think we’re programmed to think we need hard and fast rules or at least loose guidelines…what I am coming to realize is that we truly do walk our own unique paths. I mean, yeah, in the end it’s about not eating as much and moving more (there is a mathematical equation) but there’s also some mysterious, intangible other thing at work. That’s why I didn’t want to write “how to” although I know that would have probably sold a lot better.
The whole idea of not being broken is powerful…have you ever heard of The Four Agreements? Well, there’s now a Fifth Agreement which basically says the imperfection is a myth. Same thing, I guess.
May 4, 2012
I haven’t heard of the Fourth Agreements (or Fifth!).
I must confess I fantasise about the notion of ‘not caring’ what I eat and only eating to fuel my body when I’m hungry – rather for any reason OTHER than that!
I loved your book and obviously could relate to A LOT of it!
Deb
May 4, 2012
I loved Karen’s book too and often wonder how she ended up in my head! Something clicked for me when I read this post – I’ve been prevaricating between intuitive eating and following a plan. I think we often under-estimate how much patience we’re going to need in order to make lasting changes.
May 4, 2012
Yes… I think I panicked a bit and felt like I failed straight away, but I agree – it’s going to take some patience!
Thanks for your comment!
May 4, 2012
I have fully embraced Intuitive Eating, and found freedom. It took four years, but the journey was worth it. Like when you are hiking, you go down the wrong path, but you run into a beautiful vista with a waterfall? It’s all about collecting experiences & giving yourself grace.
I don’t think of the IE guidelines as rules. Because I know what is best for MY Body. I think of them as …. “What Would Love Say?”
Honey, eat when you have hunger, so you will really enjoy your food. Darling, stop when you are satisfied, so that your body feels good and can do so much more.
May 4, 2012
I’m going to go and read some of your blog posts because it gives me hope that you’re an intuitive eater and I like the comment about ‘finding’ freedom. I need to trust more.
Deb
x
May 5, 2012
You are not broken, or you are not broken more than anyone else. Everyone struggles with something in their life, we are all in the same boat. The difference is, you are aware of your challenges and are being very pro active! Baby steps are good ones, even the smallest will take you forward. Everyone is behind you! You can do it!!!!
May 5, 2012
Oh, thanks so much Lou Lou… I’m kinda hoping this is the ‘darkness before the dawn’ sort of thing!
May 5, 2012
I think intuitive eating is so hard because we have not learned (as older generations did) how to pay attention to actual hunger. Instead we’ve learned to “finish your plate” and “there’s more where that came from.” Once your mind has a chance to learn that food is a fuel in a physiological, not emotional way, I bet it will be easier. But it is freakin’ hard to get there! Being broken implies fragility and you seem to be quite strong!
May 5, 2012
It’s true – having to relearn something is mightily hard at my ripe old age and it’s I’m realising it’s hard to detach meaning / emotion to foods!
Thank you for your encouragement!
Deb
May 6, 2012
I like this post 🙂
May 6, 2012
Hi Katy… thanks for visiting and thanks for your comment!
Deb