How we roll…

Tuesday, September 27, 2011 Permalink

Each week on my 12 week body transformation challenge program, its coordinator (and our fearless leader) Michelle Bridges, records a message and hosts a live webcast thingy which focuses on mindset issues and during which Michelle answers questions fired (electronically, through the ether) at her. Typically I was a bit behind, so finally watched last week’s mindset lesson on the weekend.

lost controlDuring the session Michelle spoke about the attitude of many participants. She said she’d noticed that participants on the online program forums and social media had been talking about their expectations: I’ve been really good this week so I’d better have a good loss! Michelle commented on that sense of entitlement and wondered what was going to happen IF they didn’t have a good loss. Would they (like me) throw themselves onto the floor in a tantrum and binge eat chocolate and corn chips over a two day period? Or, would they KNOW they had been eating well (clean) and exercising and take solace in that fact and KNOW that the rest will come. “Trust in me, and the program,” Michelle says.

As well as speaking of our ridiculously high expectations she reminded us of what we used to eat which led to us being overweight and/or unfit. (I have indeed confessed to my past binge eating habits.) Michelle bluntly told us that THAT time was over. She reminded us we are adults (not impetuous teenagers or uncontrollable toddlers) and have to take responsibility for our own actions.

For some reason, though I’d heard her say similar things last round, this resonated with me.

You’d only have to read a few of my posts to know that I’m all about the entitlement: I deserve a treat. I deserve to skip exercise. Poor me. My life isn’t what I want it to be and so I need SOMETHING to make it better. 

Obviously the irony isn’t lost on me: the thing I hate most about my life IS the fact that I’m overweight; a fact which I blame for MANY other disappointments.

Williams_1024x768eIt’s not rocket-science. It’s just (been) a never-ending loop. A vicious circle. The more ‘blah’ (technical term) I’ve felt, the more food I’ve shovelled in to make me feel better. Which – as we know alleviated my mood only briefly, until the guilt set in and the clothes tightened and I reminded myself I was a big fat pig. And naturally I coped with the increasing depression and guilt by eating more and more often… so the times between the binges diminished and – like a teenager – I lived my life from one binge to the next. I ‘lived in the now’. But not in a good way.

I recognise these behaviours in myself, but have been powerless to do anything about it. And I realise I’ve been waiting; for the thunderbolt that will strike some sense into me. Or make me ‘better’. But deep down (I must confess) I know Michelle is right.

I have to take responsibility for my behaviour. When I say I’m not in control of my eating it’s a cop-out. I am in control. I’m the one making the decision to act in an ‘out of control’ way. I mean, I’m a 43 year old adult for fuck’s sake. I can’t continue living a life of instant gratification, with little consideration for the consequences. In her lesson Michelle very bluntly said that, ‘We don’t binge eat or eat unhealthily any more. That’s not how we roll.’ 

I’m not sure why the message finally hit home. I’m not saying the lightbulb has gone on and I am ‘all better’, but it’s given me food for thought… the concept that I need to take some responsibility for my actions and my life… and stop bloody whingeing about it!

  • Erin
    September 27, 2011

    Ahh Deb, you know I love your blog. You’ve really tapped into my headspace at the moment. I’ve felt very much out of control with my eating the past few days (possibly weeks) and have been kidding myself into thinking its not a problem. I have a “just this once” mentality going, one that I’ve struggled with my whole life and I find myself constantly yielding to all manner of treats (chocolate, chips and just even adding extra to my meals or snacks for no good reason). It is a super hard cycle to break- just last night I used an emergency road trip to Newcastle for a friend as en excuse to binge on chocolate and chips to “keep myself awake”.
    It’s so true that we need to get back into that mentality of “I don’t do that any more” and take full responsibility of whats going in out mouths.
    I know its a cycle we can both break, because we’ve done it before!
    Here’s to onwards and upwards and self control!

    • rockafellaskank
      September 27, 2011

      It’s so easy to do Erin….. let those bad habits slip back in and – like you – I am the queen of justifying ANYTHING to myself.

      This post is actually the first part of my response to the mindset lesson, the other half I’ll do tomorrow/Thurs about the getting into robot-mode concept and JFDI(ing) it.

      And yep… like you, I need to keep reminding myself that I don’t do that anymore. (Despite the temptation and little voice telling me it’s okay!)


  • Katy@KatyRunner
    September 27, 2011

    glad to hear it!

    you inspired me to get out and go for a walk.

    so, here’s to fresh starts!

  • rockafellaskank
    September 27, 2011


    Well done to you also. I even went to boxing today. Like yesterday the class I’d planned to go to wasn’t on so I decided I’d go to something else at the gym and tried a boxing workout. It was REALLY hard – essentially just sparring with a partner with a few little runs in between, plus some skipping etc. My face was very very (very) red after, so I figured that was a good thing. AND my hands/arms were still trembling when I was back at my desk after my shower and cool down!


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