Guilt and self-loathing in Brisvegas

Monday, August 1, 2011 Permalink

I had the guilts all weekend. And when that happens I find it hard to climb out of the funk it puts me in. I’d been out and about on Saturday when I became really overwhelmed – for no good reason… and when I thought about it, I think the guilt and self-loathing lurking in the back of my mind had taken over everything.

{q u o t e o f t h e d a y}It all started on Thursday night. I got home from work seriously tired and skipped exercise (thereby making it my rest day instead of Friday) and after a lie in the bath decided against cooking the fish I had out defrosting, instead deciding I would just make some popcorn for dinner. I’d had a really low calorie day, so frittering away about 400 calories on air-popped popcorn, butter and flavouring felt entirely doable. By the time I was happily ensconced in my PJs and back downstairs I was feeling a bit peppier and looking forward to the lazy, easy dinner…. Only to discover I had no popping corn. Shit!!! My grocery shopping is severely out of whack at the moment as, on this weight loss program I don’t make the constant trips to the grocery store that I once did.

I sulked for another half an hour, before deciding I should just defrost the bloody fish and cook that as planned. Which I did, and – even with 300 grams of potatoes – kept under my daily 1200 calorie limit.

There’s a grocery store near my train station and so I came home from work Friday suitably stocked up on popping corn. I wavered once home though. I’d ridden my exercise bike, showered and was about to prepare the popcorn, before I stopped to wonder if I really wanted it. After all, I usually have some popcorn as a late lunch on Sundays and, given I wasn’t really DESPERATE for it, I could just put it off. I also realised I’d have a lower calorie day if I simply had some left over fish instead. So I had the small piece of grilled fish (100 calories). So, it was all good. But then…. as I’d only had about 700 calories for the day I decided I could still prepare a small serving of popcorn. Argh! Yes, you can see that this is going to end badly!

There are a number of reasons I love popcorn: it takes AGES to eat – popped piece by popped piece – and I am a grazer, so it suits me; and the air-popped corn itself is low-calorie. It’s only the crap I put on it that adds calories.

Of course once I came to pour the kernels into my air-popper I poured the usual amount in, rather than popping a small amount. And I ate it all. Even with the excessive calories I was under my daily limit, but as I’ve been trying to limit my carbohydrates a few nights each week, I felt terribly guilty! Not only that. I hadn’t needed it BUT still had it. Why oh why? I stayed up excessively late so I wasn’t going to bed on a carb-filled stomach. And I remained slightly guilty the next morning.

ehBut what did I do the very next day? I had cereal and yoghurt for breakfast – after boxing – which was all carbs, but fine. Then I spent several hours out house-hunting and doing some other chores. It was mid afternoon before I thought of lunch and – as I sometimes do on weekends – I decided to indulge in popcorn while watching DVDs. So, I willingly consumed another 300-400 calories in fluffy carbohydrates. In all honesty again, it wasn’t the popcorn itself that played on my mind all weekend: it was the fact that I ate it EVEN THOUGH I’d already bought supplies for my ‘treat night’ dinner.

On the weight loss program I’m on it’s suggested we have a ‘treat night’. In reality it involves saving up our snack calories for the day and adding them to our dinner calorie limit. I tend to partake in red wine, fillet steak and mashed potatoes on my treat night. And… sometimes that takes me over the 1200/day calorie limit. But, it is usually the only day I go over the limit and it usually takes me up to about 1700-1800. I skimp on calories a few days either side and so make it up. I know this practice isn’t healthy, but I’ve regularly talked about my binge-fests in this blog, so I figure that some potatoes and red wine is not too nefarious. And, I usually keep the rest of my day fairly low in calories. BUT… not yesterday. I think it was the first time I went over 2000 calories since I’ve been on this program (not too far over, but just).  And when I thought about it, I realised that IF I usually have popcorn on a weekend, I usually do it on a Sunday. NOT a Saturday. Bah!

G U I L TI know the end isn’t nigh. But I feel bad. Guilty bad; and it’s playing on my mind. I know I’m prone to guilt and write about that often, but I’ve been so good I don’t want to start slipping. The part of me that doesn’t catastrophise or resort to black/white thinking, realises: it’s just two bloody bowls of popcorn (and butter and flavouring); it isn’t the worse thing I could be eating; and it’s just a couple of times (albeit two days in a row)….

But the part of me which I have let down on so many other occasions, worries that: it’s part of a trend; and just when I thought my binge eating was under control, I eat something that I didn’t really NEED to eat. I seriously contemplated alternative choices each time, so there was a moment that I made a conscious decision to go ahead.

I know that in itself is an achievement, but having considered healthier options, I STILL went down the popcorn route. Fuck! I’d just written a post about being in control of my binge-eating. And, though I know I didn’t binge-eat, I still had that moment when I could have said no, but I said YES.

Which brings me back to my funk… my guilt and self-loathing. I spent most of Sunday mentally making all of these promises for the final two weeks of this weight loss program. I won’t eat any carbohydrates. I won’t drink any alcohol. Etcetera. But, even I know the all-or-nothing approach isn’t a good one. Even I know that what I need to do is get back on track, stick to my calorie limits and keep up my exercise.

By the time Sunday afternoon came I tried to buck myself up, did my exercise and cooked myself a healthy dinner. Even now I’m trying to remember that ‘all is not lost’ or that I’ve not ruined everything I’ve done to date. The sane part of me knows I haven’t, but it’s fighting the other part of my mind. And it usually wins.

  • Liz N
    August 1, 2011

    Sounds like you had a bit of “Sundayitis” going on. I think it’s very important to realize that carbs aren’t the devil, there’s no scientific evidence to eliminate them completely (you should have approx 40% in your intake as good quality carb) so perhaps you were a bit carb depleted if you’d been limiting them and it caught up with you. It’s a beautiful day in Bris vegas so onwards and upwards!

  • rockafellaskank
    August 1, 2011

    Thanks Liz. You are right re the carbs and my post tomorrow is actually going to be about that. (I think it is also THAT time of the month, so feeling a bit blah… well, I’ll blame that).

    And you are right, it’s a lovely day, so I’m aiming to go for a walk later (though it’s usually dark by then, but am sure it will still be nice!).


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