Going through the motions (Part 2: giving up?)

Saturday, October 8, 2011 Permalink

After this week’s weigh-in I felt incredibly maudlin. I’d gained several hundred grams in just a couple of days AND had been under calories on those days. FRUSTRATING! Naturally I coped as best I know how. I bought some wine on the way home from work and happily went over my calorie limit for the day.

The next morning I was even more angsty; not only was I having to cope with the slight gain, now I had the potential for more of a gain. Plus I felt crappy in a post-wine morning-after way.

I sat on the train during my morning commute into the office plotting and planning. ‘That is it,’ I decided. ‘I’m giving up on this weight-loss program.’

I decided I was finding it too full-on. I was tired of reading of everyone else’s successes and feeling like a failure. I’d already disengaged a bit this round of the program, so decided I’d disengage completely.

stop wanting to give upBut then… I was reminded that many of those I’ve met (virtually) through the program feel like ‘friends’. In many ways, they know more about my current happenings than my closest friends (who aren’t on Twitter and don’t know about this blog). When I met some of my Twitter friends in person at the finale party following the first round of the program, it was like meeting old familiar friends, rather than meeting people for the first time. (The only hard part was remembering not to call them by their Twitter names / handles!)

So… going cold turkey on the program and all associated with it no longer seemed like a good idea.

I pondered what else ‘quitting’ the program would mean. Would I stop counting calories? Would I quit the gym or exercising almost every day? Would I go back to eating whatever I wanted?

By the time I reached the office, all I was thinking was, ‘Shit, shit, shit!’

I realised I didn’t want ANY of those things. Well… quite frankly counting calories is something I wouldn’t miss. But… it is the gauge by which I know if I’m kidding myself about my food intake or not.

rules to live byI’m not LOVING exercise, but I’m feeling an obligation to continue with it. Sure, it’d be nice NOT to HAVE to exercise six days a week, or not to feel guilty if I’m not burning the 500 – 1000 calories that others are. On Wednesday for example, I went to a lunchtime Move & Groove class at my gym. It’s basically taught by a hip hop dancer who’s very disorganised and generally just ‘wings’ it.

This week though, he decided to teach us a routine. And we progressed very slowly. Although I enjoyed learning the dance steps and the moves, I found myself OBSESSING about the fact that, for the first 20-30 minutes of the 45 minute class we were just walking through steps. “I’m supposed to be burning 500 calories,” I said in a panicked voice to the complete stranger next to me. I almost contemplated walking out and getting on the treadmill. But… once we started running through the dance to the music it was fine. If I was being true to this program I probably couldn’t count that session as one of my cardio sessions, but I ended the class red and sweaty and – quite frankly – when we EVENTUALLY got to the routine, I quite enjoyed it. I was reminded of a Twitter conversation with another on my program who’d exercised without their heart rate monitor and commented on the fact that it was a nice change that the exercise was more about enjoyment than number of calories burned.

The final question for me – in ‘giving up’ on this program – relates to food. Do I really want to go back to my nights and weekends of binge-eating in front of television? OF COURSE, part of me says, ‘Hell yeah!’ But mostly I don’t. Not really. Because I always felt bad. I felt overly full. Unwell. Guilty. Unhealthy.

I don’t want to gain the 24kg I have lost. I want to lose more. I need to lose at least 16kg to be at ‘my’ goal weight, which is still 10kg above the ideal weight set by boffins who develop graphs, charts and similar crap.
not boring
So… I’m not going to give up. I can’t promise I’m going to suddenly start eating cleanly and bypassing wine, but I know that if I don’t ‘clean up’ my act soon then my despondency over the scales will continue to drive me to drink and junk food to cope with my frustration.

I’ll try to ‘not think and just do’ as I try to stick to my calorie limit and exercise requirements. I’ll go through the motions until I regain some of my missing enthusiasm and I’ll fake it until I make it.

16 Comments
  • Julia
    October 8, 2011

    You are right. DON’T THINK JUST DO!

    Will you be happy if you give up? No. Is it hard to stay on track, yes. Will you be happy that you kept trying, you know you will.

    Deb – you’ve got this. Trying focusing all your energy on other things that are important to you right now, and then you’ll be able to take some of the attention away from your diet and just do it.

    • rockafellaskank
      October 8, 2011

      Thanks as usual Julia for your comment & encouragement. You’re right, I’d really regret it if I didn’t push on (I’ve been there before!) so I’ll keep trudging along!!!

  • katpaul
    October 8, 2011

    GOOD good post!!! I think we’ve all had that converstation with ourselves. Your decision makes you a WINNER tho!

    • rockafellaskank
      October 8, 2011

      Thanks Kath. Am gonna try to hang in there.

  • Min
    October 8, 2011

    Hi Deb – I’m in a similar place – have disengaged somewhat – not making any headway with my weightloss – still eating healthy mostly because I like that part and it has become ingrained in me and part of my routine. I’m still not training six days/week – not so fond of that part. I’m not sure if I’ll ever love exercise in the way that so many others seem to. I do know though that it is good for me and that I like how I feel after. I also know that I dont like it to become a main focus in my life – there is so much else. I think perhaps after this round I will bow out for awhile and configure a way that best suits me based on what I have learned and see how that goes. That is where my head is at the moment but who knows! I hope this post doesnt come across as negative in any way and I certainly hope it doesnt sway your decisions in any way. Its just me going through my own throught process on the way forward….!!

    • rockafellaskank
      October 8, 2011

      Min, in some selfish way it’s kinda nice to hear it’s not just me… I think your attitude is great and your approach sounds sensible. I keep thinking that SOON I’ll regain sone enthusiasm, but it’s not happening!

      Someone who’s done the program before recently told me they didn’t really worry too much about the ‘exercising for six days a week’ rule and I was really shocked… But they did well on the program just doing 3-4 days they said!

      Deb

      • Min
        October 8, 2011

        Deb – its not selfish at all. It’s the reason I love reading your blog – you are very real and going through the ups and down as I do. I have done reasonably well on the program by sticking to the nutrition and exercising more often (not always 6 days/week) but I’m plateauing now so I need to shake things up, do something different if I’m to lose some more. I feel pretty good at the weight I am now – and I get lots of compliments! – but my BMI says I am still overweight. I’d need to lose another 5kg’s approx to get to top of healthy range. Originally my goal was to get to the middle of BMI healthy range (23) – maybe I need to reconsider that. At the moment I’m happy to maintain my current weight while I ponder my way forward.

        Dont be too hard on yourself – you have a lot of worry and stress with your dad unwell at the moment. Its no wonder your focus is a little off at the moment. Take care!

  • Karen
    October 8, 2011

    I’m sorry you are struggling. I hope that you’ll find your groove soon.

    • rockafellaskank
      October 9, 2011

      Thanks Karen. Trying to hang in there!

  • Liz@LastChanceTraining
    October 9, 2011

    Your post reminded me of Victor Frankl today – he writes about “finding meaning in the suffering”. Here’s a quote ‘ In Man’s Search for Meaning, he says this: “…everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” You’ve got the choice (duh!) but I’m really glad to see the choice you’ve made is to not quit.
    Well done 🙂
    Hugs
    Liz;)

    • rockafellaskank
      October 9, 2011

      Thanks Liz.

  • Linda Bolton
    October 9, 2011

    I totally know where you are coming from. I fight that war every week. I may fall off the wagon for a few days but eventually I crawl back on. Why? Because the healthier eating and exercise make me feel better and give me more confidence. I don’t expect to be a twig – not even trying – but comfortable in my own skin would be nice. So, stick to it! Don’t bash yourself when you have a bad week…we all have them. Hop back on the weight loss wagon! It’ll be worth the ride!

    • rockafellaskank
      October 9, 2011

      Thanks Linda. Like you I no longer have twig-like aspirations, but I am not really ready to give up yet (and go back to my old ways). It’s only been a day since this post, but I’m back on the wagon. (I think!)

  • LaurenB
    October 10, 2011

    Hey rockafellaskank,

    I hear you! I hear what you are going through. And you are not alone in the program. I am not having the amazing successes that other people are having in the group. I am not burning 500 calories per session (let alone 1000 on Saturday!!! Jeez!). But I am just trying – the tortoise vs the hare syndrome. I am taking each day, each meal one by one, and just making them the best I can. I follow Mish’s exercise program, but I don’t care if I don’t burn that magic 500 number, as long as I’ve done her perscribed exercise for the day. And with my consistency is coming weight loss. You can do the same! You totally can.
    Have you attempted your mini milestone yet? I did my milestone on Saturday after two weeks of very poor exercise commitment, and it refocussed me. I felt amazing after I had completed it. Maybe the same could work for you?

    Anyway I wish you the best. Talk in those forums. I’m so glad you have decided not to quit. You can do it!!

    LaurenB

    • rockafellaskank
      October 10, 2011

      Thanks Lauren. I like the tortoise and hare analogy. I did well in my first round, but (as you’d know from my posts) am struggling a bit now. I checked out your blog though and you seem to be sticking to calories and doing some exercise most days which is great and obviously the consistent approach is working for you.

      I also noted you did the mini milestone. I didn’t do one and hadn’t really planned on one. I did go to my first bootcamp of the round yesterday (and first group activity which has motivated me a bit). Everyone is also raving about Michelle’s video message this week so I REALLY need to listen to that.

      Thanks for the encouragement and good luck to you too!
      Deb

  • Novella Miesen
    November 1, 2011

    You got a really useful blog I have been here reading for about an hour. I am a newbie and your success is very much an inspiration for me.

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