Unless you have been hiding under a rock, or are one of the few (gazillion) people who have not been reading my blog (hurrumph!) you would know that I’ve been struggling to stay on track with my weight-loss program over the past few weeks.

This round of the program actually started a month ago and – I have to say – I’ve probably eaten cleanly for 20 of the 30 days. Of the non-clean eating days, much of the waywardness has taken the form of alcohol. On three occasions I’ve indulged in chocolate/corn chips but on those occasions (which included last night, plus two occasions on my holiday) I reined my eating in pretty quickly.

So… although I’ve been very negative about my behaviour and hard on myself, even I can admit that I am much improved on the overeating and binge-eating front.

You would have noticed that I’ve been really wrapped up, of late, in how I should be feeling and how I am feeling. I have gone on and on (and on) about my lack of motivation and commitment. And I have to admit, blogging and obsessing about it has done nothing to ease my guilt or angst.

But – it’s time for a reality check. Sure, I’ve gone over my 1200 calorie (daily allowance) on a few occasions, but… it has generally been because I’ve had some wines. AND (other than on my treat night), I’ve had a rule that – if I was having wines, I wasn’t allowed any carbohydrates on the same night. I’m not sure that makes any sense, but it is how I’ve been negotiating my errant behaviour with myself.

I’ve kept up my exercise since re-starting the program, though one week only did five days of exercise instead of six. And… though I’ve reverted (in part) to my former Vanilla Diet Coke habit, having about 5x 600ml bottles a week, I’m still WAY down on my former 2 litres/day habit. So… small mercies!

Because I’m prone to catastrophising, it’s important to remind myself that it isn’t like I have been main-lining corn chips or chocolate over these past few weeks. Similarly though, I don’t want to let myself off the hook or justify less-than-total commitment to this program.

But although I haven’t been TOO decadent, I haven’t had good results when it comes to the scales. And that has been my undoing. My despondency over the numbers has pervaded all aspects of my life. Indeed, I am moping around like the world is coming to an end.

There’s other crap happening in my life. My father’s still in hospital after four weeks (and this week alone had bone marrow tests and a blood transfusion) and I’m trying to visit him a few times a week after work, while my poor mother is staying with me and spending all day at the hospital with him.

I’ve got some frustrating stuff happening at work. And my house didn’t sell when it was on the market recently.

But… despite all of that the thing that’s playing on my mind is the fact that I’m not bloody losing weight. I’m almost shocked when someone commiserates with me about my father’s health and have to remind myself that there’s other stuff happening in the universe (apparently) other than my not losing weight!

I’ve been angsting (which I know is not a word, though possibly should be) about this over the last few days. I’ve become ridiculously melancholy about the lack of weight loss DESPITE the fact that I’m still about 24kg less than I was just five months ago! So, I ask myself…. How do I get past this? Do I quit the program? What does that mean? What will I do? And what comes next?

Note this is a two-parter because I have done more thinking about this. I don’t necessarily have answers, but I have made some decisions…. (Fear not!)