Going through the motions (Part 1: angsting)

Friday, October 7, 2011 Permalink

Unless you have been hiding under a rock, or are one of the few (gazillion) people who have not been reading my blog (hurrumph!) you would know that I’ve been struggling to stay on track with my weight-loss program over the past few weeks.

HemingwayThis round of the program actually started a month ago and – I have to say – I’ve probably eaten cleanly for 20 of the 30 days. Of the non-clean eating days, much of the waywardness has taken the form of alcohol. On three occasions I’ve indulged in chocolate/corn chips but on those occasions (which included last night, plus two occasions on my holiday) I reined my eating in pretty quickly.

So… although I’ve been very negative about my behaviour and hard on myself, even I can admit that I am much improved on the overeating and binge-eating front.

You would have noticed that I’ve been really wrapped up, of late, in how I should be feeling and how I am feeling. I have gone on and on (and on) about my lack of motivation and commitment. And I have to admit, blogging and obsessing about it has done nothing to ease my guilt or angst.

But – it’s time for a reality check. Sure, I’ve gone over my 1200 calorie (daily allowance) on a few occasions, but… it has generally been because I’ve had some wines. AND (other than on my treat night), I’ve had a rule that – if I was having wines, I wasn’t allowed any carbohydrates on the same night. I’m not sure that makes any sense, but it is how I’ve been negotiating my errant behaviour with myself.

I’ve kept up my exercise since re-starting the program, though one week only did five days of exercise instead of six. And… though I’ve reverted (in part) to my former Vanilla Diet Coke habit, having about 5x 600ml bottles a week, I’m still WAY down on my former 2 litres/day habit. So… small mercies!

infinateBecause I’m prone to catastrophising, it’s important to remind myself that it isn’t like I have been main-lining corn chips or chocolate over these past few weeks. Similarly though, I don’t want to let myself off the hook or justify less-than-total commitment to this program.

But although I haven’t been TOO decadent, I haven’t had good results when it comes to the scales. And that has been my undoing. My despondency over the numbers has pervaded all aspects of my life. Indeed, I am moping around like the world is coming to an end.

There’s other crap happening in my life. My father’s still in hospital after four weeks (and this week alone had bone marrow tests and a blood transfusion) and I’m trying to visit him a few times a week after work, while my poor mother is staying with me and spending all day at the hospital with him.

I’ve got some frustrating stuff happening at work. And my house didn’t sell when it was on the market recently.

But… despite all of that the thing that’s playing on my mind is the fact that I’m not bloody losing weight. I’m almost shocked when someone commiserates with me about my father’s health and have to remind myself that there’s other stuff happening in the universe (apparently) other than my not losing weight!

I’ve been angsting (which I know is not a word, though possibly should be) about this over the last few days. I’ve become ridiculously melancholy about the lack of weight loss DESPITE the fact that I’m still about 24kg less than I was just five months ago! So, I ask myself…. How do I get past this? Do I quit the program? What does that mean? What will I do? And what comes next?

Note this is a two-parter because I have done more thinking about this. I don’t necessarily have answers, but I have made some decisions…. (Fear not!)
  • J.
    October 7, 2011

    have you thought that maybe all the other stuff IS really weighing you down, but the weight is easy to focus on because it has this easy to read number on it?

  • rockafellaskank
    October 7, 2011

    You could be right J. I know I’m constantly on the verge of tears (which pisses me off!). And the numbers on the scales are easy to focus on cos they are MY fault. There’s someone (ie. me) to blame!


  • successquest1
    October 7, 2011

    Hi, I can relate to your situation because I used to be very overweight. I have treated it mainly through diet these past couple of years, but this year I have lost a lot. I’m going to write some things about my personal story in a couple of days.

    But first, I have a free ebook that I am giving away at my blog. The post is at:

    The free ebook is on yesterday’s post, and on today’s post there is a link to a special weight loss giveaway event where you can get lots of free material to help you in your quest. And, as I said, in the next few days I’m going to be posting my personal story. While my approach might not be for everyone, it might give you some ideas and the free ebook will give you a lot more.
    Good luck!


    • rockafellaskank
      October 7, 2011

      Thanks Mark. Will have a look.

  • Bellabinda
    October 7, 2011

    Hi Deb. Holy good moly. You have lost 24 kilos lady. 24 kilos! That’s awesomeness on a freaking stick.

    However, I can totally understand that you feel frustrated about losing focus. But – I’ve been reading your blog and you’ve gone from doing the exercise bike, to doing pump and zumba and anything else I might have missed. They are big changes.

    Try not to stress about things like letting that little devil of diet coke back into your life, you’re right when you state you’ve got a lot going on in your life right now. Diet coke is pretty damn good!

    See you’re going to go on Sunday. See you there!

    • rockafellaskank
      October 7, 2011

      Hey B, thanks for the encouragement. Have already drafted part 2 & it isn’t as dire! See you Sun!


I'd love to hear your thoughts