I really enjoyed the session with my dietician/psychologist on Saturday, but have been struggling to write about it because we covered so much.

I had my mother staying with me at the time and tried to fill her in on what we discussed, and found myself jumping all over the place.

Disappointingly… though I’ve been pretty good lately and the entire focus of the session was about my binge-eating behaviour, I actually binged the following day.

This behaviour is even more problematic because I’m supposed to be keeping a food log of sorts; so I’m wondering if I actually want to start it on the MONDAY rather than confess to the corn chips, rice cakes and Guylian chocolates I consumed (on top of breakfast and dinner – and some wine) on Sunday.

But meanwhile… back to the beginning.

My therapist HAD gone through the WALI I mentioned in my previous post and was well versed in my weight and lifestyle inventory when I set foot through the door. In fact the copy she flicked through had LOTS of highlighted sections. She said she’d just read it before I came in so it was fresh in her mind. *Gulp*

She reminded me that we had covered a broad-brush history in my first appointment (ie. how I got here) and that insight, PLUS the WALI, meant that she was ready for us to start tackling the problem. Unsurprisingly my actual diagnosis is EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified). Basically it’s binge-eating disorder (BED), like bulimia but without the purging. My major problem is my MAD MONKEY MIND which obsesses about binge eating. I have an overly strong focus on food, body weight and dieting. No surprises there! Interesting though she thinks that any depression or self-image issues are probably secondary and will be resolved if when I lose weight.

She explained that my life is entirely shaped by my weight. My world is ALL about my excess weight, dieting and body image issues. There is nothing else. Our goal is to change this. I said that I think I’m already trying to work on this – my increased focus on my writing and blogging is just one example. She agreed and suggested that seeing her, is also a step in the right direction.

We actually did a heap of work on my ‘Integrated Case Formulation Grid’ which also comprises my homework, but I’ll talk more about that later this week. It basically requires me (us) to identify cognitive, behavioural, systemic, psychodynamic and biological factors leading me to where I am; how these perpetuate my eating issues; and how we will treat them.

But, for the moment I’m supposed to be pondering on something we discussed during my first appointment; when my therapist asked me: If she could wave a magic wand and I could wish for anything… what would I want my world to be like? This is (apparently) what I said.

Our appointment culminated this week with a discussion around these. She highlighted them in the case notes in her folder (before copying them into the email above to send to me!).

‘None of these things actually depend on you losing weight,’ she said.

I realised that, in her mind, they don’t. However, in my mind, they do. And that – I guess – is part of the problem.