I really enjoyed the session with my dietician/psychologist on Saturday, but have been struggling to write about it because we covered so much.
I had my mother staying with me at the time and tried to fill her in on what we discussed, and found myself jumping all over the place.
Disappointingly… though I’ve been pretty good lately and the entire focus of the session was about my binge-eating behaviour, I actually binged the following day.
This behaviour is even more problematic because I’m supposed to be keeping a food log of sorts; so I’m wondering if I actually want to start it on the MONDAY rather than confess to the corn chips, rice cakes and Guylian chocolates I consumed (on top of breakfast and dinner – and some wine) on Sunday.
But meanwhile… back to the beginning.
My therapist HAD gone through the WALI I mentioned in my previous post and was well versed in my weight and lifestyle inventory when I set foot through the door. In fact the copy she flicked through had LOTS of highlighted sections. She said she’d just read it before I came in so it was fresh in her mind. *Gulp*
She reminded me that we had covered a broad-brush history in my first appointment (ie. how I got here) and that insight, PLUS the WALI, meant that she was ready for us to start tackling the problem. Unsurprisingly my actual diagnosis is EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified). Basically it’s binge-eating disorder (BED), like bulimia but without the purging. My major problem is my MAD MONKEY MIND which obsesses about binge eating. I have an overly strong focus on food, body weight and dieting. No surprises there! Interesting though she thinks that any depression or self-image issues are probably secondary and will be resolved if when I lose weight.
She explained that my life is entirely shaped by my weight. My world is ALL about my excess weight, dieting and body image issues. There is nothing else. Our goal is to change this. I said that I think I’m already trying to work on this – my increased focus on my writing and blogging is just one example. She agreed and suggested that seeing her, is also a step in the right direction.
We actually did a heap of work on my ‘Integrated Case Formulation Grid’ which also comprises my homework, but I’ll talk more about that later this week. It basically requires me (us) to identify cognitive, behavioural, systemic, psychodynamic and biological factors leading me to where I am; how these perpetuate my eating issues; and how we will treat them.
But, for the moment I’m supposed to be pondering on something we discussed during my first appointment; when my therapist asked me: If she could wave a magic wand and I could wish for anything… what would I want my world to be like? This is (apparently) what I said.
Our appointment culminated this week with a discussion around these. She highlighted them in the case notes in her folder (before copying them into the email above to send to me!).
‘None of these things actually depend on you losing weight,’ she said.
I realised that, in her mind, they don’t. However, in my mind, they do. And that – I guess – is part of the problem.
March 20, 2012
This is an excellent post and soemthing I really needed a reminder on!
March 20, 2012
Thanks Michelle. In some ways there was nothing new, but in others it was enlightening.
Deb
March 20, 2012
Awesome post Deb…and if it’s any consolation, I tend to binge after certain types of experiences or situations, namely when I am focused on fixing or addressing bingeing. Your episode is not unusual or bad in any way…it’s a gift of awareness.
I can also very much relate to this: “my life is entirely shaped by my weight. My world is ALL about my excess weight, dieting and body image issues. There is nothing else.” Pretty much my entire life has been anchored by this…even now, although it’s in a much different way. I have to work at it NOT being this way.
Also? I completely agree with her (and an example of) the magic wand part being possible without losing weight first. In fact, there are all kinds of studies and even a new(ish) field of psychology, which show that success is the result of being happy, not the conventional opposite (we can only be happy once we’re successful). There’s some really cool stuff here: http://www.shawnachor.com/ and watch the second video at the bottom of this page: http://www.shawnachor.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=102&Itemid=126
March 20, 2012
Thanks Karen and I ‘like’ to think I’m slowly getting there – making decisions about work/life balance; also about dieting/life balance I guess. Although the therapist DID talk to me about this blog and it perpetuating my behaviour in some way – hoping that it can become more positive and share those experiences as well as the negative ones (ie. like your blog!).
Deb
March 20, 2012
Wow – was that last bit eye opening? Very interesting process. Makes me wonder what someone would say about me and my issues, whatever they are.
March 20, 2012
Karen, I wasn’t surprised I’d told her they were my goals, cos they’re the sort of things I’d usually say if someone asked me what I want. (Well, I’d say I want to be naturally slim – or ‘normal’, always… but I think the point of her exercise was WHY I want to be slim!) Most interesting was the fact that she was very definite about the fact that all of these things are possible NOW – whereas I disagree. *Sigh*
Deb
March 20, 2012
Wow – this is really insightful. It is amazing how goals can change simply with the perspective from which they are looked at.
March 20, 2012
Very true. To me they are still aspirations so I was surprised the therapist thought they were so ‘doable’!
March 20, 2012
Hey Deb,
I don’t want to contribute to “part of the problem” with you just starting therapy (and there’s a good chance I’m screwed up in the head and that’s the basis of my comment) BUT I disagree with your therapist. Having lost 33 kgs (8 more to go) – people DO treat me differently, I DO feel better about myself, I AM happy and contented, men ARE attracted to me and I CAN wear nicer clothes. That shit just wasn’t happening, wand or no wand, when I was 97 kgs.
March 20, 2012
I agree obviously… I suspect her point was that I contribute to some of that – I don’t feel worthy / attractive and I assume people judge me negatively when perhaps they don’t. But… like you, I can’t see it.
Well done on your loss! 33kg is GREAT!
Deb
March 20, 2012
So here’s the question: do you know for a fact that you are being treated better solely because you lost weight? Or is it because you feel better about yourself and believe that you deserve it that you now notice that you’re being treated better? I say this as someone who experienced the same thing…I lost 50 pounds in 2005-2006 and yes all of those things happened. But anyone can wear “nice” clothes. You may not be able to wear smaller clothes, but you can wear nice ones. I’ve also done experiments (after the weight loss) where I’d walk around with my head held high, a smile in my eyes, feeling good about myself and the reaction I’d get from strangers was obvious. Then, the very next day I’d go around feeling blah, no smile, no confidence and I’d be treated differently. I guess my point is that it’s not a simple correlation. If it were no one would ever regain the weight…
March 20, 2012
I do understand what you are getting at Karen and I said something similar in a comment (to nondiscrypt) earlier. My therapist and I discussed the fact that – because I feel ‘blah’ – I act blah. I assume people are judging me and thinking badly of me because of my weight and I feel unworthy of relationships or nicer clothes (though that is putting it a bit too simply)… but you know I mean.
I do know it’s more than just the weight – because at one point in time I weighed less (than I am now) but felt ‘more’ judged and self-conscious than I do now – because in those days I COMPLETELY attached my self-esteem to my physical being. I’m a lot better now, but still not ‘there’ obviously!
Deb
March 20, 2012
Hi Deb, Well, I tried to do a food journal lately, and just failed at that. It somehow made me want to just blow off all my food rules firmly in place because adding more food rules just seemed too much. And as soon as I started it, I felt like binging–and actually did binge. So, I’m not sure if this is as much a comment of above or just a rant/vent of my own. I personally need to *not* think I have another thing wrong with me, and focus on what is going right with me.
Btw, I probably tell you this all the time, but I really don’t think men care as much as you’d think about a woman’s weight. They care about a person being fun, caring about their lives, and respecting them. Perhaps it is your ways of seeking the right guy out that is really at issue, rather than who you are and what they think about you.
The guy I know our age who married recently, married a woman who was overweight. And he likes her for who she is, not for what she’s not.<<which I think is what we all want, right?
🙂 Marion
March 20, 2012
That’s definitely what we want Marion (a man who accepts us for who we are!). Also, I know what you mean about the food journal. I have a part of a post (well, the one after next, actually) about how I’m struggling now that I’m writing down what I eat. It immediately feels like there are boundaries and rules!!!
Deb
March 20, 2012
Deb, I am glad you got some help from the therapist/nutritionist. This first of all sounds like a great idea someone having knowledge of both nutrition and the psychology behind food issues. I know that it will help you.
I keep a journal of what I eat and it helps me track it and just let it go. I find even if I have a bad day once I write it down I can own up to it and then say ok tomorrow is a new day or this next meal is a new beginning and move on from a binge easier.
March 20, 2012
Colleen, I tracked my food when I dieted, but haven’t worried about it for a while. I’m grappling with the notion of having to SHOW my therapist my food log at the moment… (and I’m only 2-3 days into the fortnight!).
Deb
March 21, 2012
they dont depend on losing weight…and yet they DO until you decide they do not.
it is amazing the power of our minds huh?
I love and appreciate your willingness to share this Oh Schmiet.
March 21, 2012
Thanks Miz. I said something similar to nondiscrypt – the therapist made the point that my weight is an issue for me, so while that’s the case, it will be for others as well.
As for the sharing, wait until tonight’s post goes up (today there, I guess) where I’ve actually summarised my case management plan. (Eek!)
Deb