[TW: Disordered-eating]
I want something from food that it’s not giving me.
It’s been two years since I was employed full-time and I’m fairly sure I’ve spent most of that eating. In fact, it increasingly feels as if I am constantly scouring my cupboard and fridge for fodder but it’s finally come to a head.
Because nothing is tasty enough. Fulfilling enough. Nothing lasts long enough.
I often feel uncomfortably full. Over-sated but unsatisfied.
I am either full or empty. Nothing in between. I thought I was past this.
I ask myself, what is it I’m actually wanting or needing.
What hole am I trying to plug or gap am I trying to fill? Nearly 40 years of disordered eating (and therapy off and on) means I know my behaviour around food is a symptom. Not (only) the problem. But as I look deep into the recesses of my soul thoughts and feelings I don’t know what it is I want. What it is that I need.
Am I sad, lonely, unhappy, discontented, uneasy, angry, unfulfilled or bored?
I ask myself the question and wait for a response. But there’s nothing. And if I feel ‘nothing’ and don’t have the answers, how can I ever make it better.
January 2, 2021
Hear you, understand this somewhat. I “still” look to some foods to salve and then I know they don’t so have been able to limit them or distract and I end up not feeling like them. In your case, only you can of course, answer your question. However, is it better to have written this..let it out and then allow time to pass as it will and maybe there will be new ideas, distractions (big fan of them) and perhaps a gentler settling into life that you have. Really feel for you Deb xx
January 3, 2021
I’m just tired of this being such a big thing in my life Denyse. I became anorexic at 15 so it’s been a very long time that I’ve been fixated (and I recall doing ‘liquid days’ etc before that). I thought the surgery would be the final step but guess I knew it would only limit amounts I could eat not the why. (And in reality the psychologist I had to see to have the surgery commented that people like me – with eating disorders – are usually bad candidates for weight loss surgery because we use food for far more than ‘fuel’ for our bodies.)
It’s preying on my mind at the moment as most foods aren’t making me happy or offering any enjoyment. I’m finding everything so boring. So tasteless. It’s like I’m tired of food but still need it desperately.
January 3, 2021
Oh Deb. I am sorry. I hope that you can dig deeper to find out the “why” if you think that could help…and maybe see someone professionally again.. sending love
January 3, 2021
Ugh, in many ways I feel like I’ve ‘done’ it to death. Talked it through, looked at all of the angles etc… I’m sure you can relate – I’m (mostly) tired of thinking about it!
January 2, 2021
I’m sure you’ve considered this, however, is it easier to identify what you DON’T want, rather than what you want? Sometimes it’s simpler to discard or stop things rather than trying to obtain/ aim for things.
January 3, 2021
Ah yes, I’m better at doing that re pursuits if that makes sense. I think I’ve written about it a couple of times. But on the food, dieting, weight front I mean I know I don’t want to be fat. I don’t want to be unhealthy. But I also don’t want to live an obsessively rigid life that requires me to not enjoy stuff. My mind automatically goes to ‘restriction’ mode when I think about my need to lose weight – ie. get results quickly, but I know it doesn’t last and I can’t seem to get motivated. And I’ve tried just cutting out junk (sometimes food) but it doesn’t seem to make any difference.
January 3, 2021
I know what you mean – I eat to fill gaps too or to calm restlessness. You’re hungry, but not necessarily for food. I have to admit I’ve come to the realisation that I layer for protection too. We’re such complicated souls, aren’t we?
January 3, 2021
Oh yes. But probably also too similar underneath it all…
January 4, 2021
That sounds so exhausting for you. I wish there was some solution that would put your mind at ease.
I’ve noticed that since I’ve been working from home, that unless I’m really lost in work, I spend a lot of time opening the fridge or cupboards looking for that elusive “something”. I drink so many cups of tea each day, trying to stop myself from eating whatever I can get my hands on, because I know that it’s not actually going to be what I “wanted”. #LifeThisWeek
January 4, 2021
I’m the same Kat and have been like that since I finished my last full-time contract over two years ago. My weight started creeping up but then jumped quite a bit last year on a couple of occasions. I tend to drink diet coke and sometimes drink waaaaaay too much.
January 4, 2021
Hi Deb, comfort eating and mindless eating is a huge problem for many. It is easy to say ‘change your habits’ but it goes much deeper than that. Perhaps some professional counselling might help. It is also a matter of not looking at restricting your foods but rather choosing healthier options. I know as soon as I say ‘I’m not eating chocolate’ I crave it. It is all about balance – eating healthy, exercising regularly and letting go to enjoy life – because life is too damn short. Let me know if I can help in any way. xx
January 4, 2021
Thanks Sue. For me it’s often a case of getting started. I feel like I know what I should be doing (or could be doing) but just can’t quite find the motivation to get there. I suspect I’ve mostly given up…. just on that downhill run now.
January 4, 2021
I noticed you joined Strong Healthy Women FB Group. Perhaps registering for the 5 day Metabolic Jumpstart Challenge might give you the kickstart you need. It is Free and no pressure but there is some great information. Peta is very helpful x
January 4, 2021
Hey there, yes I did register!
January 4, 2021
Hi Deb – I think we all understand where you’re coming from. Eating is such a joy and comfort, but it’s not relational, it’s not connecting us to the world, it’s just insulating us and distracting us from the real issues. I’d love to have a magic answer, but after years of therapy I’m sure you’ve heard them all. Just know that I care and I’m sorry that it’s getting you down so much at the moment. Sending you a big hug (and I could come around and eat any left over potato chips you have lying around if that would help )
January 4, 2021
Ah yes, so much therapy and so many diets. And non-diets. Intuitive eating plans. Challenges. Fat camp. Health retreats. Surgery.
And you’re certainly right, a reliance on food (or any thing we’re overly dependent on I suspect) is distracting us from the real issues. Numbing us. xx
January 4, 2021
It’s a tricky situation Deb and I don’t have an answer for you either I’m afraid. I do know I am drinking way too many cups of tea since COVID started and have to stop myself from having biscuits with each one. It’s been a hard year in so many ways but good on you for putting some of your thoughts down and sharing them with us. #lifethisweek
January 4, 2021
Thanks Deb. I’m nothing if not honest. Or blunt. (Or whatever it takes to get it out of my head….)
January 4, 2021
I understand that feeling believe me!
January 5, 2021
Comfort eating/mindless eating is definitely about filling a void but it’s tricky trying to figure out what that void is. I think for a lot of people with disordered eating, it can be about some form of control sometimes (the anorexic end), but also, at other times, it’s a salve for numbness, disconnection, loneliness. I know you’ve seen professionals before, but it might be helpful to find one you really connect with who can help offer insights and guide you through the thoughts you ruminate over. I find that even though we can think deeply about issues and ourselves, when there is another person there, it can offer a lightbulb moment. It’s a tough situation though and I feel for you. Always up for a chat if you need.
January 5, 2021
Thanks Sanch! x