Forgive me, for I have sinned…. yes, again!

Monday, December 19, 2011 Permalink

You have come this far. Don't give up.I try to be honest in this blog… which I hope is evident. I mean, I know I’m prone to over-sharing but I’m not quite THIS open in my everyday life.

However, long ago I decided it was pointless to document my thoughts and feelings in a quasi-private setting if I was going to sugarcoat them. And frankly, one of the reasons I started this blog was because it was / is cathartic to be able to present my feelings and thoughts honestly without judgement.

(Well, without being confronted by those judging me. You may sit there and shake your heads at my words or actions, but at least I don’t have to see it. And in my experience – to date anyway – comments and feedback have always been very supportive and constructive.)

Now that there’s starting to be a bit of crossover from this blog into my ‘real’ world, it’s tempting to pull back a bit and only write about those things that reflect well on me, or make me sound less fucked-in-the-head than I actually am; but while this environment continues to be a nurturing one, I’ll continue to confess to my obsessions and digressions.

I hope that opening preface has prepared you for what’s to come. Yes… YET ANOTHER ‘I’ve lost my way’ post.

I’ve mentioned before that some readers have noted that I raise lots of issues and sometimes offer up responses, but openly admit to rarely acting on them. As a result, I tend to harp on and on about the same things.

Don’t get me wrong, this blog post isn’t about to be a ‘woe is me, my life is fucked’ kind, rather… it’s a ‘I’ve come a fair way but have a long way to go’ post. You see, after hoping I was getting some of my unhealthy eating habits under control, I’m struggling again.

The chocolate and corn chips I avoided buying last weekend, I bought this weekend. And I ate it all – to the point where I was beyond full and sick. Naturally I then felt remorse and guilt, and then I made all sorts of ridiculous promises to myself about how I will ‘indeed’ behave in future.

I have lost my mojo. How did I lose it?I’m trying to overcome my ‘all is lost’ catastrophising and remind myself it was ONE weekend (or actually, one day). But that’s not actually the issue. Like I said in last week’s post (and have said now for a few weeks), the slip-ups are adding up. The ‘glitches’ are starting to become habits. And I’m struggling to rein them in.

I keep thinking I’ll regain some of the motivation I had just months ago, but as yet I haven’t been able to do it. “After Christmas?” I wonder to myself. “In the New Year?” Surely. And I wonder if this is how it usually starts: on those other occasions I’ve lost 20 or so kilograms, only to ‘get stuck’ before starting to gain weight again.

Are my stumbles about to become an unrecoverable fall, resulting in me torpedoing to the bottom of the hill, gaining kilograms along with momentum? Until I’m back where I started, or worse. Until I’m again desperate enough to consider alternative options (the coma induced starvation option could still be a goer if I could find someone to knock me out for a few months!).

And, am I again waiting for inspiration or motivation to strike when it really just requires me to knuckle down and JUST FUCKING DO IT?! ie. Make the hard decisions: say ‘no’ to the corn chip aisle; avoid the supermarket during those times that junk food feels like the answer; and find comfort and ‘treats’ elsewhere.

As usual I have no answers. Well, perhaps I do, but in all honesty I just want to take the easy way out. I don’t want to work hard for the results.

Hope ?I feel like I should apologise for this maudlin post… My upbeat attitude didn’t last long did it? I did ponder on the idea of faking it. Of writing something that didn’t really reflect how I was feeling.

Don’t get me wrong. I haven’t given up. I still hold out some hope, but I’m just worried. Worried I can’t do this myself. Worried I’m falling back into old patterns. Worried that I will continue to do so for the rest of my life. Worried I don’t have the strength to constantly fight the temptations crossing my path and my own weak will.

So here I am. Laying myself bare again. Confessing to my sins and weaknesses. Sorry about that.

17 Comments
  • worktomend
    December 19, 2011

    I identify with you!!! Your comment about being worried about falling into a pattern, and not having the strength to fight temptations…I so hear you. For me, the temptations seem to happen when I am in need of comfort food. That is where I struggle. It’s a habit. I truly believe that we have trained ourselves to have these habits…and we can train ourselves out of them. It is a long hard road with many bumps, but it can be done!

    • rockafellaskank
      December 19, 2011

      Hey there. I hope so (that we can train ourselves OUT of those habits). I just worry I don’t have the strength / willpower / motivation to even WANT to make the hard decisions sometimes… Argh!

      Deb

  • Novel Girl
    December 19, 2011

    Diets are soo hard to keep up. It’s all in the mind. As a Type 1 diabetic, I binge sometimes because my body craves sugar when my blood sugar level is low.

    Not to worry. Just learn from those occasions and always remember the guilt and how sick you felt before you do it again (unfortunately, this doesn’t always work either!).

    I’ve seen many dietitians and specialists over the years. I’ve posted an article with what I do to stay thin on “Why so many diets fail; how you can make yours work”. I hope you find it practical! Here’s the link: http://wp.me/p1WPf3-7c

    • rockafellaskank
      December 19, 2011

      Thanks for that… I’ll check it out! I know I certainly am overwhelmed with guilt one minute and the next am doing the EXACT SAME THING I did before! I never seem to learn!

      Deb

  • Sharmila
    December 19, 2011

    Every dawn offers a new beginning. No matter how bad it gets, you can never give up on yourself. Not many of us will get thru this coming week without indulging and putting on a couple of kgs. Stay positive ..

    • Novel Girl
      December 19, 2011

      Just stay focused and fill up on low calorie snacks (carrots, tuna, tea, eggs, etc). I hope my article helps. I advocate swapping, not starving, and I’ve shown exactly how to do that in my link. 🙂

    • rockafellaskank
      December 19, 2011

      Thanks Sharmila… I just worry that I’m going to spiral out of control. I’m trying to remind myself I’m keeping up my exercicse and that’s a good thing. But…

  • Julia @ Boyfriends Make You Fat
    December 19, 2011

    Hey Deb, I think I might have written about this – sorry to repeat myself – I have a fortune on my desk that says “Success is getting up just one more time than you fall down.” It really helps me to keep my head up when each day feels like it could have gone better.

    I often feel like you do – as you know. I think one thing I feel is why do I have to struggle with my weight, and so many other women don’t? I let myself think it once and awhile, but then I stop thinking it, because there really isn’t anything to do about it.

    Just keep on keepin’ on, and eventually you’ll get to where you want to be, mentally or physically.

    • rockafellaskank
      December 20, 2011

      Thanks Julia… you’re right, I know… I have to keep on fighting and hang in there (and NOT waste my efforts to date!).

  • Karen@WaistingTime
    December 19, 2011

    Oh you are not alone. Just saying that because sometimes it helps to know:) So, now what do you do about it? Here’s my advice – don’t wait until after Christmas. Or for New Year’s. You can do a lot of damage between now and then and find those habits even harder to keep or break or whatever, depending if they are good or bad. I say commit to a great day today. And tomorrow. And every other day until Christmas. Then (and I know some will disagree with me on this one), enjoy yourself. If possible in moderation. But allow yourself that day. Just that one. And back on track again. And in case you are wondering, this is meant as much for me as it is for you!!

    • rockafellaskank
      December 20, 2011

      Thanks Karen. It’s my birthday between Christmas and New Year, so the celebrations just keep growing! But I might actually start tracking my calories (wow, I’m even gonna start midweek!!!). I’ll let you know how I go!

  • Carol Hess
    December 19, 2011

    Nope, Karen’s right. You sure aren’t alone. My weight loss coach helps me remember the positive changes I’ve made in my life when I’m thinking I will never, ever change.

    Last week she had me write out “Carol’s Healthy List” — things I do differently now that I didn’t used to do. I was happily shocked to see 25 things on that list, and I didn’t even have to think that hard to come up with them.

    A couple of days later, I left for a weekend visit with friends. I think the list was majorly helpful in assisting me to make healthy food choices the whole time I was gone despite plenty of temptations. And I felt zero deprivation or struggle. Amazing. Who knew a little old list could be so powerful?

    So keep on keeping on. You will get there. I know you will. I know I will.

    (If anyone wants to have a chat with my weight loss coach to see if they might want to work with her — she is WONDERFUL — then just drop me an email at Carol@StarPolisher.com, and I’ll give you her contact info. This isn’t an ad. I don’t get a referral fee from her. I just want everyone to work with her. She has given me real hope for the first time in my life that I will get the weight off and keep it off. She lost over 100 pounds and has kept it off for 20 plus years. She gets it. She gets us.)

    • rockafellaskank
      December 20, 2011

      THanks Carol… I like the idea of a Healthy List as I’m sure I must be doing SOME things right and it would good to remind myself of that from time to time!

      Deb

  • emilysegal
    December 20, 2011

    Oh honey! You commented on a blog post I wrote about looking at the long-term impact of a food and not the short-term pleasure. I want to comment back but didn’t know if you would see it there. Good thing I came over here b/c I read your post and want to give you a HUGE HUG. So many of us have been where you are! If you could only be a fly on my office wall and hear other women say your same words I think you would feel pretty normal.

    You are exactly where you are supposed to be and learning at the pace you need to go. Don’t get frustrated with yourself. Just keep making mistakes and learning from them and moving forward. Never give up and never withdraw your own love from yourself.

    Have a happy holiday whatever you celebrate and all the best for a beautiful 2012!
    -emily segal from http://www.TriumphWellness.com

    • rockafellaskank
      December 21, 2011

      Thanks for the feedback and encouragement Emily. Your positivity was just what I needed when I saw this!

      Deb

  • Sasha
    December 20, 2011

    Oh, I hear you. I feel like a broken record sometimes. Make that frequently. But you’re still here, writing about it. And that’s something.

    • rockafellaskank
      December 21, 2011

      True Sasha…. am hanging in there. xx

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