However, long ago I decided it was pointless to document my thoughts and feelings in a quasi-private setting if I was going to sugarcoat them. And frankly, one of the reasons I started this blog was because it was / is cathartic to be able to present my feelings and thoughts honestly without judgement.
(Well, without being confronted by those judging me. You may sit there and shake your heads at my words or actions, but at least I don’t have to see it. And in my experience – to date anyway – comments and feedback have always been very supportive and constructive.)
Now that there’s starting to be a bit of crossover from this blog into my ‘real’ world, it’s tempting to pull back a bit and only write about those things that reflect well on me, or make me sound less fucked-in-the-head than I actually am; but while this environment continues to be a nurturing one, I’ll continue to confess to my obsessions and digressions.
I hope that opening preface has prepared you for what’s to come. Yes… YET ANOTHER ‘I’ve lost my way’ post.
I’ve mentioned before that some readers have noted that I raise lots of issues and sometimes offer up responses, but openly admit to rarely acting on them. As a result, I tend to harp on and on about the same things.
Don’t get me wrong, this blog post isn’t about to be a ‘woe is me, my life is fucked’ kind, rather… it’s a ‘I’ve come a fair way but have a long way to go’ post. You see, after hoping I was getting some of my unhealthy eating habits under control, I’m struggling again.
The chocolate and corn chips I avoided buying last weekend, I bought this weekend. And I ate it all – to the point where I was beyond full and sick. Naturally I then felt remorse and guilt, and then I made all sorts of ridiculous promises to myself about how I will ‘indeed’ behave in future.
I’m trying to overcome my ‘all is lost’ catastrophising and remind myself it was ONE weekend (or actually, one day). But that’s not actually the issue. Like I said in last week’s post (and have said now for a few weeks), the slip-ups are adding up. The ‘glitches’ are starting to become habits. And I’m struggling to rein them in.
I keep thinking I’ll regain some of the motivation I had just months ago, but as yet I haven’t been able to do it. “After Christmas?” I wonder to myself. “In the New Year?” Surely. And I wonder if this is how it usually starts: on those other occasions I’ve lost 20 or so kilograms, only to ‘get stuck’ before starting to gain weight again.
Are my stumbles about to become an unrecoverable fall, resulting in me torpedoing to the bottom of the hill, gaining kilograms along with momentum? Until I’m back where I started, or worse. Until I’m again desperate enough to consider alternative options (the coma induced starvation option could still be a goer if I could find someone to knock me out for a few months!).
And, am I again waiting for inspiration or motivation to strike when it really just requires me to knuckle down and JUST FUCKING DO IT?! ie. Make the hard decisions: say ‘no’ to the corn chip aisle; avoid the supermarket during those times that junk food feels like the answer; and find comfort and ‘treats’ elsewhere.
As usual I have no answers. Well, perhaps I do, but in all honesty I just want to take the easy way out. I don’t want to work hard for the results.
I feel like I should apologise for this maudlin post… My upbeat attitude didn’t last long did it? I did ponder on the idea of faking it. Of writing something that didn’t really reflect how I was feeling.
Don’t get me wrong. I haven’t given up. I still hold out some hope, but I’m just worried. Worried I can’t do this myself. Worried I’m falling back into old patterns. Worried that I will continue to do so for the rest of my life. Worried I don’t have the strength to constantly fight the temptations crossing my path and my own weak will.
So here I am. Laying myself bare again. Confessing to my sins and weaknesses. Sorry about that.