Feeling better now (part 2)

Friday, June 15, 2012 Permalink

Yesterday I started on blogger and coach Christie Inge’s ’10 steps to feeling better now’ exercise in the hope that I would… well you know… feel better now, rather than waiting until I achieve some magic weight or similar.

I do (and did) realise that I won’t miraculously ‘feel better now’ once I’ve read Christie’s post, or done the exercises…. Indeed – some of the final points require some practice and… well, I’ve hit a bit of a wall.

‘We’ finished up yesterday on point 3, as I was in the right frame of mind (ie. not a good one) to get the negative stuff done and dusted.

I now need to move to a more positive frame of mind. *Gulp*

4.      Ask yourself what it is you really want. Be honest about how you will feel about yourself when you get these results?
I’ve recently confessed to NOT knowing exactly what it is I want, so this point is a bit of a stumbling block for me. But… I can make a wish-list:

  • Be at, and maintain, a normal weight
  • Have a partner who I love and who loves me
  • Have/keep close family and friends
  • Be in a career I enjoy and find fulfilling
  • Have creative and other outlets I find enjoyable and fulfilling
  • Be secure financially and in good health.

I like to think, that if I’ve got all of these things (or perhaps most of them) I would feel contented. I would feel that life was definitely worth living (NOT that I don’t now I must add… possibly just less-so!)

feeling better now self acceptance

5.      Think of a time you felt that way. Recall it vividly. Feel that feeling in your body now.
Faarck! This is embarrassing because the only time I can remember clearly feeling contented was after a romantic interlude fling. Someone was interested in me after a very long drought (when I was starting to think ‘it’ may never happen again).

I can distinctly recall having a conversation with a friend (after the fling commenced) and saying that I felt like I needed to call my mother to tell her that if I was to die right then, it was okay as I would die happy. (Note that we were in the car during this conversation so perhaps my friend’s driving scared me. Not sure!)

I remember the warmth I felt, the tingling excitement about an impending date. A feeling of ‘all being well in the world’.

6.      Notice what you are thinking and write them down.
It unfortunately occurs to me now that I am never / rarely excited. Just as I am never / rarely happy (unless it involves binge eating my fave foods, and that is only temporary).

Back then it was like I had something to live for. (And I hate that even the NOTION of a romantic interest – ie. a man in my life (albeit briefly as he was a traveller) is enough to offer me contentment.)

I know that I drifted through work during the following days and (for a change) my working life barely featured in my day / thoughts with other aspects of my life to look forward to.

(Note that I really hope my niece is NOT reading this now… though not sure if it’s the fling or the drought that I’m self-conscious about. I’m not worried about mum – I told her all about it at the time! Also note that I’m trying really bloody hard to think of a similar time in my professional life / rest of my life when I felt like this! Achieving something at work or positive comments on my writing / blogging come to mind – to a much lesser extent!)

7.      Brainstorm thoughts similar to those which will help you feel how you want, so ultimately you get the results you want.
The thoughts that made me feel contented with life in my above example were ones of hopefulness, anticipation and excitement. They made me want more. From life. They made my life feel more complete. Whole.

8.      Think those thoughts. Feel them. Act on them.
Okay, so now I’m coming unstuck. I’m not sure I can develop / entice delicious thoughts of anticipation if I don’t have any hope. It’s like awakening from a tantalising dream which involves romance and a relationship, and only being left with the lingering feeling of having lost something special and precious.

I’ve daydreamed A LOT about a relationship but it doesn’t make it any more real or elicit feelings of hope and happiness. Rather, it makes me more depressed that it remains elusive.

I’ve previously blogged about needing to find other things to be excited about. Things to look forward to. (Not just my next binge, or champagne and a book in the bath, or popcorn in front of the TV.)

But my inability to do this – to conjure up feelings of hopefulness or contentment – means that I can’t continue with the next two steps.

9.      Practice doing this. Deliberately and with deep intention to create the life you want to live.
10.   Watch and celebrate as what you want arrives and you feel how you want to feel most of the time.

So, here we are and on one level I feel like I’ve failed miserably in this task – stumbling at even TRYING to imagine a more positive and hopeful future.

But, I have to confess (ALTHOUGH I BLOODY HATE TO ADMIT IT) I find it interesting (AND SCARY) that the only moments of zen-like happiness I was able to call on which ignited some hope and enthusiasm for the future involved me being in a relationship, or with someone (in some way). God I hate that! Sure, I’ve always wanted a relationship, but I’ve never been one of those girls… you know the kind… the type that needs a man ‘to complete them’.

Argh! Whatever happened to self-actualisation and me being truly happy when I’m happy with myself? Why does it all have to be about others? I don’t want to be one of those girls!

So, while I’m seriously intrigued at what I’ve uncovered, I’m not really sure what it means – should I have spent more time over the past 20 or so years to finding a ‘mate’ (for the want of a better term)? And as I’ve confessed, I’m still in the market now. For a relationship. Though hopefully not in a desperate / pathetic way!

Although now I’ve come full circle and back to my recent post about wanting a relationship but having issues with my body and self-worth which impinges on me doing so. Which is why I’m trying to feel better about myself now.


Perhaps I’m just a lost cause!!!

  • nondiscrypt
    June 15, 2012

    Deb, we are so similar in lots of ways. I too don’t know what I want and don’t really have states of happiness – though, at the moment, I do “content” a lot more than I used to.

    Actually that’s not true – as corny as it sounds, I’m happy when I see a post from you in my inbox. So much so that I’ve saved reading it all afternoon to savour over a cup of coffee and gaeity biscuit. Seems my fabulous start to the next round of 12wbt has been non existent ! But on a bright note I’m practicing mindful eating …. I’m mindful that this is my 3rd bloody biscuit for the day and that I really don’t care !

    Anyway, enough me, this is about you afterall !!! I’ve found that the more I get out and about the less I want a man in my life – they’d just hold me back and complicate things. I used to sit in front of the telly and consume a bottle of wine on my lonesome. Now I save telly and wine as a treat – and appreciate them more when I indulge. I almost turn them into an event now.

    Have you considered reducing your “solitary pursuits” that see you stay at home alone and venturing out into the big wide world? I don’t know, you like to read so maybe a bookclub or taking a class in a language or something. I even *eyerolled * at this next comment when I thought of it but you never know your “Mr Perfect” may be out there signing up for the very same thing right at this moment.

    I’m the Queen of Failed Relationships and upon reflection I’ve shared absolutely nothing in common with my partners (except maybe the consumption of way too much wine before taking those somehow binding first steps). Sadly, I think both of us have ended up hooking up in a desperate need to be needed. In the end I’ve found the man to be boring as bat shit and I’m sure he’s felt the same way about me. If, and that’s a big if because it’s not what I want at this stage of my life, I was to ever enter into a relationship again it’d be with someone who shared similar interests and passions as me. I wouldn’t care if he was fat, thin, hairy, muscly, ugly, attactive – he has to be interesting and to me, interesting means interested in what interests me (does that make sense ?).

    • Debbish
      June 15, 2012

      I probably do need to think more about pursuits and hobbies… Will commit to trying one new thing before the end of the year! Something I want to do anyway, so it’s not about meeting someone!


  • Marion
    June 15, 2012

    Hi Deb! Well, like Nondiscrypt, I also think you are a lot like me! Perhaps it is the way you write that makes me feel that way.

    Deb, you sound like me a few years ago. I was thinking about trying a bunch of things and was wary about dipping my feet into sharky waters. I did dip my toes, and the water was cold!! Really cold. And it was uncomfortable. Talk about people noticing you when you try something really different, noticing in a strange way. And then I tiptoed back out, because it was cold! And I dipped my toes several times, but nothing else, for a while.

    And then a few kind people noticed me dipping my toes, and took my hand and gently pulled me into the water. I was alarmed, and then I realized that it wasn’t “sharky” waters, it was “snarky” waters. There really were no sharks, just snarks. It was just filled with certain people who redicule people trying anything bold. Nobody likes or listens to those people anyway. When I realized that, it was no longer scary to try these new things. And then I realized that I loved the water. I loved it. And I found many friends who also loved the water.

    Facing all of the fears, and then finding that the scary things actually are fun, changed my life. I found that some of my greatest strengths were being stifled by my fears. You, Deb, are currently dipping your toes in certain waters, but you’re going to *love!!!!* doing these things. It will be curious, exciting, and really great fun too. That’s why it feels how you describe, a little mind-blowing. There are mysteries for you to solve, characters, and perhaps villains to meet and face, and everything else that makes up a great novel–in your life!

    🙂 Marion

    • Debbish
      June 15, 2012

      God Marion… you make it all sound so exciting. Scary but exciting….


  • KCLAnderson (Karen)
    June 16, 2012

    You hit the nail on the head: it takes practice and it doesn’t happen over night. Unfortunately. Or maybe fortunately because if it did it might seriously freak us out. It might be interesting to go through the 10 steps daily or weekly, especially 5 and 6 because those are the ones that get us back into our bodies so to speak.

  • Debbish
    June 16, 2012

    It’s certainly got me thinking about the ‘what I have to look forward to’ / ‘what excites me’ and ‘when I’m contented’ issues!!!!


  • Vicki
    June 17, 2012

    Personally Deb, I think you are normal .. you just choose to share your thoughts and feelings.
    You have your “wish list” and I don’t think it’s really any different to anyone elses! We are all working towards something that we want out of life.
    Oh dear, I’m heading down more “wanky twaddle” so I’ll just say, embrace whatever it is that you are feeling, doing or planning! Dr Seuss has a good one for this … “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind”
    Vic x

    • Debbish
      June 17, 2012

      Thanks Vicki and LOVE the Dr Seuss quote… I was more of an Enid Blyton kid myself, so seemed to completely bypass Dr Seuss growing up! Don’t think I’d heard of Seuss until I was an adult…

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