Yesterday I started on blogger and coach Christie Inge’s ’10 steps to feeling better now’ exercise in the hope that I would… well you know… feel better now, rather than waiting until I achieve some magic weight or similar.
I do (and did) realise that I won’t miraculously ‘feel better now’ once I’ve read Christie’s post, or done the exercises…. Indeed – some of the final points require some practice and… well, I’ve hit a bit of a wall.
‘We’ finished up yesterday on point 3, as I was in the right frame of mind (ie. not a good one) to get the negative stuff done and dusted.
I now need to move to a more positive frame of mind. *Gulp*
4. Ask yourself what it is you really want. Be honest about how you will feel about yourself when you get these results?
I’ve recently confessed to NOT knowing exactly what it is I want, so this point is a bit of a stumbling block for me. But… I can make a wish-list:
- Be at, and maintain, a normal weight
- Have a partner who I love and who loves me
- Have/keep close family and friends
- Be in a career I enjoy and find fulfilling
- Have creative and other outlets I find enjoyable and fulfilling
- Be secure financially and in good health.
I like to think, that if I’ve got all of these things (or perhaps most of them) I would feel contented. I would feel that life was definitely worth living (NOT that I don’t now I must add… possibly just less-so!)
5. Think of a time you felt that way. Recall it vividly. Feel that feeling in your body now.
Faarck! This is embarrassing because the only time I can remember clearly feeling contented was after a romantic interlude fling. Someone was interested in me after a very long drought (when I was starting to think ‘it’ may never happen again).
I can distinctly recall having a conversation with a friend (after the fling commenced) and saying that I felt like I needed to call my mother to tell her that if I was to die right then, it was okay as I would die happy. (Note that we were in the car during this conversation so perhaps my friend’s driving scared me. Not sure!)
I remember the warmth I felt, the tingling excitement about an impending date. A feeling of ‘all being well in the world’.
6. Notice what you are thinking and write them down.
It unfortunately occurs to me now that I am never / rarely excited. Just as I am never / rarely happy (unless it involves binge eating my fave foods, and that is only temporary).
Back then it was like I had something to live for. (And I hate that even the NOTION of a romantic interest – ie. a man in my life (albeit briefly as he was a traveller) is enough to offer me contentment.)
I know that I drifted through work during the following days and (for a change) my working life barely featured in my day / thoughts with other aspects of my life to look forward to.
(Note that I really hope my niece is NOT reading this now… though not sure if it’s the fling or the drought that I’m self-conscious about. I’m not worried about mum – I told her all about it at the time! Also note that I’m trying really bloody hard to think of a similar time in my professional life / rest of my life when I felt like this! Achieving something at work or positive comments on my writing / blogging come to mind – to a much lesser extent!)
7. Brainstorm thoughts similar to those which will help you feel how you want, so ultimately you get the results you want.
The thoughts that made me feel contented with life in my above example were ones of hopefulness, anticipation and excitement. They made me want more. From life. They made my life feel more complete. Whole.
8. Think those thoughts. Feel them. Act on them.
Okay, so now I’m coming unstuck. I’m not sure I can develop / entice delicious thoughts of anticipation if I don’t have any hope. It’s like awakening from a tantalising dream which involves romance and a relationship, and only being left with the lingering feeling of having lost something special and precious.
I’ve daydreamed A LOT about a relationship but it doesn’t make it any more real or elicit feelings of hope and happiness. Rather, it makes me more depressed that it remains elusive.
I’ve previously blogged about needing to find other things to be excited about. Things to look forward to. (Not just my next binge, or champagne and a book in the bath, or popcorn in front of the TV.)
But my inability to do this – to conjure up feelings of hopefulness or contentment – means that I can’t continue with the next two steps.
9. Practice doing this. Deliberately and with deep intention to create the life you want to live.
10. Watch and celebrate as what you want arrives and you feel how you want to feel most of the time.
So, here we are and on one level I feel like I’ve failed miserably in this task – stumbling at even TRYING to imagine a more positive and hopeful future.
But, I have to confess (ALTHOUGH I BLOODY HATE TO ADMIT IT) I find it interesting (AND SCARY) that the only moments of zen-like happiness I was able to call on which ignited some hope and enthusiasm for the future involved me being in a relationship, or with someone (in some way). God I hate that! Sure, I’ve always wanted a relationship, but I’ve never been one of those girls… you know the kind… the type that needs a man ‘to complete them’.
Argh! Whatever happened to self-actualisation and me being truly happy when I’m happy with myself? Why does it all have to be about others? I don’t want to be one of those girls!
So, while I’m seriously intrigued at what I’ve uncovered, I’m not really sure what it means – should I have spent more time over the past 20 or so years to finding a ‘mate’ (for the want of a better term)? And as I’ve confessed, I’m still in the market now. For a relationship. Though hopefully not in a desperate / pathetic way!
Although now I’ve come full circle and back to my recent post about wanting a relationship but having issues with my body and self-worth which impinges on me doing so. Which is why I’m trying to feel better about myself now.
Perhaps I’m just a lost cause!!!