Yes, it’s true. I arranged to catch up with an old friend today and after seeing her and while out and about, I drove into my workplace to go to my fave gym class.
And it was perfect for many reasons – empowering music and dancing, not to mention our fabulous instructor. I walked out of the class feeling great.
And then… I saw this guy I kinda like the look of. Don’t get me wrong. You’ve read my posts long enough to know that – although I KNOW better – I still believe I need to lose a lot more weight before I am attractive to men (and am able to believe myself to be attractive to men). So, a relationship isn’t even on my radar – although I recently realised (and sheepishly admitted?!) that it is something I want more than I wish I wanted it. (If that makes sense. It does to me, so that’s actually all that matters!)
Anyway, it’s rare that I come across anyone who makes me wish I looked different and was more available. (I should mention that I don’t see this guy as an option at all and he’s possibly married, but it’s more that he reminds me of the potential that exists out there).
So, I got into the lift feeling chuffed that I’d been to the gym on my day off, enjoyed my class and seen the cute boy, but then…. I caught a glimpse of myself in the reflective metal of the elevator.
Holy shit! I. Looked. Like. Crap.
Worse than crap. And I’m not being self-deprecating here. My face was redder-than-red and my hair sweaty and all over the place. My t-shirt completely wet around the neck, though long enough to cover my rotund stomach, hips and thighs (encased in 3/4 leggings).
I sighed but I wanted to cry.
I mean, the fatness (eek, must remember to speak nicely about myself) rotundness of my body is one thing (and I’m trying to deal with that); but I just looked unattractive.
I’m growing my hair. Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE my short hair. I love how easy it is to manage. I love that it doesn’t matter that it’s constantly sweaty cos it looks all choppy and groovy anyway. And I love that it’s not typical of a forty-something year old woman. But, I do wonder if I look like the stereotypical butch lesbian. Which I’m not. Gay, I mean. If I was that would be fine. But I’m not. Now I hardly think it’s been cramping my style and that men would have been beating down my door had they not all been assuming I was / am gay, but still… I suspect it doesn’t help.
Now, I’m not growing my hair because I think I look gay or worry that people will assume I am. Rather, I’m growing my hair because I want a change. Although, I must confess… I do want to look a bit more feminine. And of course, now that it’s growing and completely styleless, it looks – horrendous!
And THAT’S what struck me in the lift this morning. It wasn’t that I felt fat and frumpy or even fat and flabby. I felt unfeminine. It occurred to me that I’m not even vaguely girly at the moment and I could not believe that bothered me. As it doesn’t usually.
So naturally I’ve been wondering about that ever since returning home.
I have not worn a skirt or dress for years. At least five or so I think. I used to wear them occasionally, but not recently. In fact I haven’t worn any since I started regaining weight after losing it in the early 2000s.
Some people are the opposite. I recently worked with a fairly plump woman who ONLY wore skirts. There was no way in hell she would wear pants she said. They made her feel too short and pudgy.
I’m the opposite. I’m almost tempted to say I feel ‘unworthy’ or ‘undeserving’ of a skirt, but that’s not really true. It’s just not something I feel comfortable in at the moment.
I know it’s me (not you!). I know that – even though I’m big – I should be able to feel sexy or feminine. Just as I should feel worthy of love and attention. (Yadda, yadda, yadda!) But – quite frankly I just don’t.
Never fear, I’m hardly likely to don stilettos and pastels and florals and frolic about with picnic baskets. Cos that’s just not who I am. And it’s not something I’m usually overly angsty about.
I tend to (increasingly) go about my life worrying little about what I look like and I suspect THAT’S what concerns me. I’m pretty sure I avoid ‘frumpy’ and hover closer to ‘funky’ despite my weight and clothing limitations.
I believe I focus on being ‘me’ and my clothes reflect that. Which I guess says it all. I don’t feel feminine and so don’t dress that way. But it’s moments like the one I experienced today that remind me that I wouldn’t ‘mind’ feeling a bit more attractive or a bit more feminine from time to time. I know one doesn’t have to be feminine to be attractive or sexy (particularly if one isn’t female – hee hee!), but for me it’s another reminder of the way my mind works and my own slightly-screwy belief system.
Are you a wearer of trousers or skirts? Or both?
Do you have any magic elixirs that will make my hair grow quickly?