I’m drowning!
Well, that’s how it feels sometimes. And I’m sure many out there can more-than relate.
Having achieved such amazing feats in my June challenge (if I do say so myself) I had high hopes for my July efforts; which were to involve blogging daily in my Debbish blog AND abstaining from booze for the month.
But then yesterday – in Debbish – I was forced to confess to FAILURE!
Yes indeedy!
I broke my dry July promise after only 5 nights and was / have been struggling with the daily Debbish posting in line with my commitment. The fact that I even wrote such a personal post in that blog is a sign for me that things have become really murky in my world. I mean, THIS is the blog where I pour my guts out* not the other one. People I know from school read my other one for god’s sake!
Nevertheless, I admitted defeat. “I CANNOT DO THIS!” I said. And I gave myself an ‘F’ for Failure. And you know what….?
I don’t mind. Yes it’s true. Perfectionist, never-likes-to-lose, me!
One of my fave readers and regular commenters on both blogs, Karen, told me not to feel like a failure; and I’ve had similar tweets and offers of support (and it’s times like these when I’m struggling that I REALLY appreciate them!).
But when I actually thought it through I realised that I REALLY DIDN’T CARE that I’d failed in my task.
Bizarrely, though I’d already broken the dry July commitment on Saturday when I was shopping I held firm on the no binge / trigger food commitment. There I was shopping… buying wine and already deciding I might rethink the daily Debbish posting when I looked longingly at some Lindt chocolate on sale. “As a treat,” my pesky inner critic /devil on my shoulder (aka Myra) said.
“No,” I responded, “if I buy it and eat it I’ll need to confess it in my blog.” And there you have it. I turned and walked away. And so my no-binge food commitment remains.
[blackbirdpie url=”https://twitter.com/Schmiet/status/221448384572162048″]
Are there degrees of failure I now wonder?!
It would seem that some commitments and failures worry me more than others. Whether I’m less invested (and therefore was prone to fail anyway); or whether I set unreasonable goals and expected to fail; OR whether my ‘I just don’t care’ attitude is a defense mechanism to protect my pride given that I’ve already failed, I may never know. And you know what…. I’ve decided it doesn’t matter.
Do you believe there are degrees of failure? Or that it’s possible to care less about some goals than others?
* ‘pour my guts out’ may be an Aussie slang thing. It vaguely means to ‘confess all’.
July 9, 2012
Oh boy… I don’t believe in degrees of failure. I believe in small successes. You turned away from some things, that is HUGE! You show that you are in control.
What I have learnt in my weight loss journey is there is a tipping point of being gentle with yourself and being hard on yourself. Part of the journey is learning to forgive yourself quickly. Then draw a line in the sand and tell yourself that tomorrow will be better. And you have the power to do this.
Every time you turn away from something, the next time will be easier – but – pfft – you don’t need me to tell you this. You know what you have to do. You do. Really.
Loved this post. I love reading about what others see as failure, especially when they blog about it, which takes all the failure out of it and turns it into information which is solid gold for others.
Hugs,
B
July 9, 2012
Thanks for your lovely comment. I suspect the goals I set weren’t sustainable anyway… what was I thinking – 10 posts a week is crazy – for me anyway!
Deb
July 9, 2012
I subscribe to an e-newsletter that is usually chock full of great quotes and today’s seem especially pertinent responses to this post 🙂
“Mistakes are the portals of discovery.” – James Joyce
“Anytime you think you’ve failed, you’ve only failed to see the compassionate lesson that you’ve brought to yourself. All you’ve really done is produced a result, actual failure is impossible.” – Jackson Kiddard
July 9, 2012
Lovely Karen! xx
July 9, 2012
I was actually going to go in the same direction as Karen, then I saw her great quote and realized I have nothing more to add:) But to answer your questions, Deb, yes, I think there ARE degrees, if you even buy into the notion of “failure.”
July 9, 2012
Great minds think alike Karen (I mean you and other Karen – not me!!!). True. I noticed I was throwing around the word ‘failure’ in a very glib way though also realised I wasn’t really attaching any negative connotations to it myself!!!
Hmmm..
July 10, 2012
I always think that I am degrees of the person I want to be. Somedays I am closer to it others further away.
July 10, 2012
Very true Rebecca!
July 10, 2012
Hi Deb, it simply sounds like you’re more invested in avoiding binge foods than not drinking alcohol at the moment. I love everyone’s responses above. Don’t need to add anything more xx
July 10, 2012
Thanks Liz… and I suspect that’s true. Not sure what it says about my blogging though (in terms of the fact I was supposed to be working more on the other one!).
Deb
July 10, 2012
Ditto everything. I feel degrees of failure, they seem to correlate with how realistic my expectations were. I think it helps to put the other “F’ right there alongside it: Forgiveness. It’s the only way forward.
July 10, 2012
Yes Kerstin, I like that other ‘F’ word!!!
Deb
July 10, 2012
Hi Deb! Well, I relate to all of this. There definitely is degrees of failure. Maybe it is really just a shifting of priorities. But you and I have kept off a certain amount of weight, because we fail less often with food than we used to. We both are in much better shape because we fail less often with exercise than we used to. However, I definitely lose focus on my eating habits during the middle of the week, halfway between weigh-ins.
I’m very fussy with certain things, but not fussy at all with other stuff. Again, I think this reflects my values and priorities.
I think that you are doing well. I think everyone has “down time.”
🙂 Marion
July 11, 2012
Oh Marion, your response was so timely… You’re right. I’m stressing a bit because I’m not where I hoped I’d be by now, but I need to remember how far I’ve come. I always jump to the negative!
Deb
July 11, 2012
Staying away from your trigger foods is such a success. Small changes yield big results. You would be miserable without chocolate AND wine, so succeeding in staying away from the chocolate is a huge. As far as the no drinking, what if you said, instead of abstaining for the month, that would can only have a glass of wine every other day, or on the weekends. And for the daily blogging, what if you commit to it for a week instead of an entire month?
You are doing so many positive things! Way to go!
oh, and ps – pour your guts out is a phrase that is also used in the U.S.
July 11, 2012
Thanks Julia (and so glad the phrase translated… I’m never sure). And… I did blog daily for a week – so that IS a good achievement. I did 10 posts in a week (7 in Debbish and the usual 3 in this one), so that is something I need to remember.
I’ve decided to drop back to TRY to do 2 a week in Debbish and the usual 3 here. That feels more doable with work commitments etc.
July 11, 2012
Degrees of failure or degrees of success? You could easily say you’ve been partially successful. 🙂
I think that blogging every day for a month is a difficult goal. As for not drinking for a month, I guess it depends on what it adds/takes away to/from your life.
I’ve been successful with my no Diet Pepsi challenge so far, although I felt tempted yesterday. I was in a bad mood and wanted to soothe myself.
July 11, 2012
Oh Satu, well done on the no-Diet Pepsi thing. That’s great. I’ve given up diet coke a number of times (and yet am back on it now). But once you wean yourself off and if you start feeling better you may only want one from time to time.
And you’re right. I’ve been partially successful!!! 🙂
xx
July 11, 2012
Oh Deb, I’m feeling you! I think as an all or nothing person myself I can say that our fear of failure largely stems from that. When you’re all or nothing, you commit 100% or you don’t commit at all. Nothing exists in between.
But I’m at the point now too where with little challenges and stuff, it just takes up too much head space. And I think that’s where you probably got to as well. Does it matter if you quit? No, cos, it’s not really quitting. It’s just getting on with the rest of you life and doing other things.
You rock! Don’t feel like a failure. xxxx
July 12, 2012
Thanks Janine… the headspace thing has really been affecting me of late. THAT’S what I’ve really noticed… being able to process everything. I’m usually a pretty ADD person, so STRUGGLING to churn everything through my head has been strange!
Deb