Day 50

Monday, July 12, 2010 Permalink

The much-awaited ‘visitors’ arrived so I have been knocked flat for a day or so.  Despite that I only went 1 point over yesterday, which is a significant improvement on last Sunday.  Perhaps I don’t need to change my weigh-in day back to Sunday after all! 

Having said that I am struggling today.  Not with some desperate desire to binge-eat or go crazy, but for some sort of fulfillment.  I had the day at home (sick, though worked quite a bit – a bad habit of mine!).  I still don’t feel well, but feel guilty that I haven’t done any exercise, which was supposed to do a commitment for this week – a short daily walk.  AND I really really want to have some wine.  On one level I just want to lie in the bath, doped up with nurofen or go to bed and wake tomorrow, hopefully feeling better… but on the other hand, I want to enjoy the night.  I don’t know why that means alcohol, though perhaps the alcohol will do the same as the bath and nurofen.  The night will pass more serenely and then it will be morning.

I know I should think of other things to do.  Hmmmm…… Thinking, thinking… thinking…

After getting up to contact work today, I went back to bed until nearly lunchtime.  Then I did a couple of hours work before having anything to eat…. so I have only had 7 points today.  So I ‘can’ afford the points for some wine.  If I was a different person I might think I would have a glass or two, but just as I know I would be unable to have 2 squares of chocolate, not the whole 200g, I know I would scoff the entire bottle.

Because I decided that 4 hours of work on a sick day was enough, I stopped work late afternoon and watched a movie I taped, The Notebook.  Yes, that cliched tear-jerker.  A movie about love and devotion.  I am single.  I have always been single.  So, over the years I have tried to remind myself that I am mostly likely single because of the way I look.  Because I am overweight.  Because people don’t find me attractive and because I don’t find me attractive.  And because I don’t find me worthy.  I realise that if I don’t feel worthy of love, then how can anyone else feel that way about me.

The Notebook came on top of the season finale (here in Oz) of House last night.  In the episode, Dr House’s unrequited love Cuddy (a character I dislike intensely… I mean, as if someone in that position would really dress like that?!) taunted him with his alone-ness.  It was, she said, his fault.  He would always be alone.  He would have no one.  She said.  

My drug-addled mind simmered.  I hate that television, films and books are all about finding love and NOT being alone.  I mean, hell… I don’t want to be alone.  I would like to be in love and BE loved…. but I don’t need the fact that I don’t have a partner or a family thrown in my face; and I wish that singledom wasn’t always portrayed as such a BAD thing (unless you are Samantha in Sex and the City).

And yet, this (hatred of being single) still doesn’t (and obviously hasn’t) motivated me sufficiently that I drop the 40 kilos that I need to.

Anyway… to distract myself this evening I put my dinner on.  Early.  I thought making a potato bake (my version has slices of potato, some chopped carrots and light evaporated milk instead of cream!) might be sufficiently exciting to make me feel less deprived, but alas…. I am still sitting here thinking of my wine.  And perhaps single-ness.

Thinking…. thinking…. thinking…..

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