I’ve written before about my views on contentment vs happiness. The former, I think, is some sort of internally-generated, semi-permanent state of being, whereas the latter comes and goes.
I’ve been thinking more and more about this for a few reasons lately.
One of which is because I’ve been listening to a recording (podcast or something) by Danielle LaPorte. It’s the first time I’ve come across her and the recording is kinda weird. In a good way. It’s very theatrical, but very addictive. The recording (Fighting for your Joy) is free when you subscribe to her site and I’d recommend listening to it. (I’ll write more about my thoughts on it down the track.)
The other reason commitment, happiness and joy have been on my mind is because I’ve been thinking about food and its place in my life. A lot.
The important thing to know about weight loss surgery is that it doesn’t actually help change your thoughts around food and eating. Sure, my newly resized belly can’t fit much in, but it doesn’t stop me wanting to binge on stuff, or turn to food when things are good, bad or indifferent.
I’ve been struggling a bit with this post-Christmas. And I’ve done enough ‘work’ in the past that I know I’m supposed to look BEYOND my desire to binge. I’m supposed to consider the ‘why’. I’m supposed to ‘sit’ with my feelings and let them overcome flow through me and then move on. I know all of that stuff. And yet…. as is so often the case I’ve been wanting something to make me feel better. I’ve attempted to (over)analyse my feelings and think I just want something to make me happy.
However….. I realise – of course (after 30 years of disordered eating) – bingeing on food won’t make me happy. Pre-surgery I’d stuff myself until I felt sick and overwhelmed with self-hate and guilt. Now it doesn’t take much to make me feel unwell or full… and the self-hate and guilt is still there.
But in my head I’m obsessed with exciting and joyous scenarios: me in front of the TV with junk food. And at night, wine and chocolate. And the rational part of my brain wonders how I can desire this knowing it won’t make me happy. For longer than the moment of consumption.
Listening to LaPorte’s recording is helping me realise what I want is something more transient. I want joy. I know it will be short-lived, but it really only has to last me an hour or so. The moment is fleeting. But is it enough?
Marinating contentment, happiness and joy around in my mind has helped me realise a few things.
I. Am. Mostly. Contented.
There, I said it. I’ve long desired contentment and I think I’m nearing what I expect that to be… when life is mostly okay. When the good outweighs the bad. When we feel we’re (almost) who we want to be.
Happiness I think, is more extrinsic. Or at least that’s what I tend to think, which is probably why I feel it less than I like. And the same goes for (the even more transitory) joy.
So I wonder if I need to find ways to experience these from within rather than expect them to come from other people or things.
Am I overthinking this? Do I need to focus more on world peace and a post January 20 America?
January 10, 2017
I think being personally content and at peace actually helps world peace. If we’re not angry at ourselves, we’re probably less angry at other people.
January 10, 2017
True Vanessa!
January 10, 2017
!00% agree, Vanessa!
February 6, 2017
oooh YES.
I love this thought as well.
January 10, 2017
I love this exploration. Thanks. And I struggle with food in my own way- many things make me sick, but even knowing this does not make me stop turning to them for comfort, celebration, enjoyment etc. so I get a fleeting high/numbing/joy and then pain and sickness. And still I do it. Food is a tricky one to master if it has been twisted in our life to be more than simply nourishment/provider of fuel. Xx
January 10, 2017
True Deb and in many ways now physically I am rarely interested in eating and don’t enjoy much when I do (which is kinda sad), but mentally / emotionally I’m still a binge-eater.
January 10, 2017
I eat when I’m depressed too. And then it’s a vicious cycle because I then get even more depressed that I ate bad. So I know it doesn’t help in the long run, it just makes me happy for the time when I’m eating. It’s so hard to get out of this habit!
Di from Max The Unicorn
January 10, 2017
Very true. I think it’s normal to an extent – and if it doesn’t happen often or our binges aren’t excessive (which is a relative term) or lead to self-hate it’s probably okay. The sane part of me knows that everyone over-eats from time to time. I used to be able to kinda know when I was ‘over-eating’: choosing to eat a 200g bag of chips for example; versus bingeing – when the chips wouldn’t be enough and I’d need to keep going beyond full… eating whatever one can get their hands on.
January 10, 2017
I have the friends who have had the same surgery. Naively I had no idea the psychological struggle with food still continued. That’s really tough.
January 10, 2017
Yes…. the surgery is just a tool and that’s drummed into patients before the surgery, but it’s probably a bit confronting later for most of us because food becomes a bit of a chore physically and one can be unsure about what to do with that energy / time.
January 10, 2017
I don’t think you’re overthinking it. In fact I think more people need to think about whether they are content, what makes them happy and what brings them joy. I’m content most of the time too. I wouldn’t say I’m happy all the time, but there are some moments when I stop and look at what I have I feel a happiness at having been blessed with what I have. And moments where I feel happy because I’m doing something or experiencing something. Contentment is something we should feel everyday, I think. Good on you for listening to podcasts. I usually fall asleep if they are any longer than 10 mins.
January 10, 2017
I’ve actually been listening to this one again and again and often as I’m going to bed… hoping I do fall asleep and it seeps into my brain!
January 10, 2017
Seeking comfort in food is easy to do. If you attend to one part of your body, then the mind needs to be looked after also. I found psychologists very helpful. It’s good you realise what you want. There are ways to achieving contentment, happiness and joy. Sometimes they are elusive, sometimes within reach. I find I need a focus. I like the podcast ‘So You Want To Be A Writer’ with Valerie Khoo and Allison Tait. I like learning, writing, blogging, cafeing and photography. So I tinker. Believing in yourself is most important. Being positive is also important. Learning to love yourself is paramount. It all takes times, like building a house.
January 10, 2017
I like the notion of tinkering Maria. I think I have felt like I’ve ‘failed’ a lot in the past when I tried to address certain things, but I try to be a bit easier on myself nowadays… pondering on things happening at the right time etc…
January 11, 2017
I tried to respond through my blog to your response, but it wouldn’t let me send it. Sending through your blog.
I know. I’m much kinder to myself. Living up to expectations is just too stressful. I always tell myself and my students ‘if you’ve tried your best, give yourself a pat on the back.’ The phrase ‘practice makes perfect’ is unrealistic and should be rephrased ‘practice makes for a better job’. Enjoy the little things that make you happy. Mxox
January 12, 2017
Great approach Maria!
January 10, 2017
I do tend to prefer contentment over happiness too. It seems more likely to ‘last’ but then again..everything is temporary as I am finding thanks to my learning via my mindfulness apps, CDs by Dr Rick Hanson, Dr Tara Brach and the Buddhist approaches of Pema Chodron etc. I learned more about ‘grasping’ and ‘longing’ which is not helpful when we keep doing these things…and I see comfort food (for me) being part of this. I ate for comfort for decades and still do to a lesser degree. I have always wondered what psychological advice is offered along with the weight loss surgery…because for me it was always about de-stressing via the eating. It is much less now as I have anxiety & IBS and so want to eat less…Interesting post Deb. I will continue to follow your progress..contentment wise! Denyse #teamIBOT
January 11, 2017
I hate the battle with food. It is on spotlight for me recently since everything I eat effects the way I feel when I am working out the next day. Too much and I can’t move quick enough, too little and I can’t move at all. It’s awful!
Being content is hard. Being content with food is even harder. I am trying to find peace by following an 80/20 rule. 80% of time I try to eat good, 20% of the time I treat myself to what I want. The struggle is real!
I usually get a big let down feeling right after the holidays. This year bullet-journalling and working-out have helped to fill the to-do hole that was left after the holidays for me. I hope you find some contentment.
January 11, 2017
I’ve not really recovered yet from the holidays Karen and am really struggling with guilt over my lack of exercise. Each day I’ve told myself I’d go for a walk and I’m yet to do so this week. I know a 30min walk doesn’t make up for 100g of chocolate, but it eradicates the guilt a little!
January 11, 2017
I don’t think you’re overthinking it at all and I can totally relate to the food thing too which I think is as much of a mental thing as it is a physical, so I think it’s only natural that although your body has adapted after surgery your head is in the same space. I think focusing on your own inner peace, joy, contentment (whatever we want to call it) is the best place to start, because it’s like a ripple effect, that affects everyone around you. Imagine if we all paid such attention to our contentment, what a wonderful world it could be… Hope your 2017 is everything you want it to be and a little bit more!
January 11, 2017
Thanks Sammie. I know that getting one part of my life in order has helped with the rest – though a few things came together for me at once last year – for which I am very grateful!
January 12, 2017
The biggest problem with the concept of happy is people don’t realize it’s mostly a point in time- sometimes a fleeting one do quick you almost don’t notice it. I think you can be happy with people- & certain people certainly bring moments of joy… but can someone else make you happy? I’m not sure. Contentment, though, is a lovely place to live.
January 12, 2017
It very much agree on the contentment front Jo. It’s something that’s pretty new for me.