I was thinking of the game Hide and Seek today. Well, I was thinking of the ‘seeker’s’ words, once they’ve counted to 20 or 30 or whatever and they say ‘I’m coming, ready or not…’ in that sing-songy voice you feel compelled to use in such a situation.
I feel a bit like that. I paid my money and committed to Michelle Bridges’ 12 Week Body Transformation challenge several weeks ago. It was around Easter and I’d been very impressed by the transformations of those whose blogs I followed. Not to mention their enthusiasm for the program itself.
I’d been contemplating the idea of weight-loss surgery and had pretty much given up on every other weight-loss option. I’ve tried them all. Again and again. Once upon a time I’d have success. I’d lose weight. 10kg, or 20kg, but I’d put it back on. But more recently it seems as if I’ve not even been able to find the motivation to TRY to lose weight.
Overcome by apathy, I’d become an expert excuse-maker. I had lots of reasons as to why I couldn’t diet. But if I’m really honest, I suspect I let myself off the hook because I blame my history of eating disorders, for my fucked-up relationship with food, exercise and my body. As a result I contentedly blame my mind and my history for the fact that I am overweight. But then I have to remind myself that I became anorexic aged 15 or 16 years old – a long time ago. I was thin for a few years (stopped menstruating for a couple of years) and then became seriously bulimic as I started to gain weight… but then I levelled out. There were a few years of much angst as I dieted or didn’t diet and considered self-harming options out of frustration. But that was a long time ago. About TWENTY BLOODY YEARS in fact.
I know I’m not totally sane when it comes to food and my body but I’m no longer the girl who exists on less than 500 calories a day while exercising for several hours; or the girl who bangs her head on the wall because she can’t lose weight. No, I am an (god it kills me to admit it…) obese 43 year old woman who performs responsibly in the workplace and who has paid her own mortgage for the past 10+ years. I have been overweight now for longer than I have been normal or thin. I have to admit that I am living in the past: blaming my my childhood angst for current issues. My former-athletic father talks endlessly (more so now he has dementia and no short term memory) about his glory days in football. I have been eye-rolling at his commentary for many years and yet I do the same thing.
‘I can’t diet because I’m fucked in the head because I was once anorexic.’ Because because because.
When am I going to let go of that and accept that I am now just weak-willed? I can’t live in the past, I have to live in the now, or I will merely ‘exist’ for the next 20 years… hoping that one day I will be ‘better’; that I will no longer be weird about food; and that something will click into place and I will be normal. Again.
Normal, schmormal. My issues are no worse than anyone else’s. I’ve been dieting (and recently reading 12WBT forum posts) long enough to know that MANY people eat because they are angry, sad or frustrated. Many people feel seriously deprived (to the ‘what’s the point of living if I can’t eat what I want’ point) when they restrict their food intake. It isn’t just me. I’m not special – at least, not in that way… and I won’t be in any other way until I move past my past.
And now, there’s only a week to go until the 12WBT challenge starts. Consistent with my history I haven’t already started living more healthily. Others in the forums have already started losing weight, but no, not me as I am thinking of what binge-eating and treats I need to fit in before then. Not a good start, that’s for sure. So am I ready? Cos it’s looming; that deadline. May 23 is coming, whether I’m ready or not….