A lot of people on my weight-loss program have been RAVING about this week’s lesson from our fearless leader, Michelle Bridges. It didn’t bring me to tears or result in any cathartic light-bulb moments, but there were still a number of things I got out of it, and today’s post is the first of a two-parter on the week’s topic: self-sabotage (SS).
Michelle started by suggesting that not all of us are self-saboteurs: some of us just really like our food, or make conscious decisions about what actions we will take.
I tend to think of myself as having SS behaviour, but wonder if that’s a cop-out. Perhaps it’s more justifiable to binge-eat blocks of chocolate (and chips, and wine) if you are f*cked in the head, rather than making a conscious decision to do things you know you shouldn’t.
Interestingly, and in her very pragmatic way, Michelle talked a bit about ‘intent’. She said those exhibiting SS behaviour are often looking for an excuse (ANY will do) to ‘give up’ and perhaps were never planning on ‘sticking to it’ in the first place.
She pointed out that in our everyday lives, ‘shit’ (my word, not hers) will always happen; but that every time we reach that crossroads we have a choice. We take one path; or the other. Or, of course, we could stand there flummoxed until we get barrelled over by the bus speeding along behind us.
Most important, she said, is that we are ‘okay’ with our choice. ‘Free yourself from the torment,’ she said. She reminded us to be aware that our choices have implications BUT whatever our choice, we should pursue it with ‘love’. For some reason that concept resonated with me and felt very ‘freeing’ in itself.
Sure, I could NOT eat healthily or exercise or diet. And giving myself permission to make that choice would be incredibly liberating…. ie. not having that voice in the back of your mind telling you that you are a failure and doing the ‘wrong’ thing. I can but imagine that living without guilt and regret would be EXTREMELY cathartic.
But… Very importantly she also said: Don’t say you will if you know you won’t.
I guess that works both ways. We shouldn’t make promises we can’t keep, whether we are vowing to eat healthily and exercise, when (in fact) we are ready to quit the first chance we get; or whether we say we’re not going to worry about our weight, but then beat ourselves up when we gain a few kilos.
It all comes down to the choices we make. As adults in a democratic country, we have (to all intents and purposes) ‘free will’ over much of our life. We get to make our own choices. We just need to be prepared to live with those consequences.
October 11, 2011
I think the free will and choices aspect of this is so interesting. As Dr. Phil used to say, “when you choose an action, you choose its consequence.” The sticky part about this when it comes to weight loss is that in the moment we choose to eat things we don’t really need, we’re not consciously making the choice to be overweight. That’s certainly not something that’s ever gone through my mind. Yet at the same time, on some level, we do know the consequence is coming. I think the key is learning to recognize choices and consequences BEFORE we’re in the moment of decision-making. Sometimes, planning ahead can help us find a moment of clarity so we can make the healthier choice.
October 11, 2011
Hi Michele, you are SO right about often not thinking ‘before’. I’m all about the ‘instant gratification’ in the moment. Consequences be damned. I want what I want and that’s it. I agree also about the planning ahead as the times I’ve done better I’ve planned ahead and not operated on impulse.
(Having said that, I’ve occasionally obsessed about ‘bad’ food before in indulge and obsess and obsess for days until I HAVE to have the thing in question! But – again, it’s a choice!)
Like you I think I don’t ever think ‘this chocolate will make me overweight’, but I probably have thought ‘this chocolate will mean I don’t lose weight’… and yet… I’ve gone ahead (aware of the consequences I guess). A very sticky subject. But I think it’s good to be thinking and talking about it.
Deb
October 11, 2011
I started a healthy eating plan for the umpteenth time today. Of course I blew it when I got to work because I didn’t have much in the house for breakfast and I was hungry and there were bagels at work calling my name. Bagels led to dark chocolate. Once i got home from work (late as always) I had tater tots because it was too late and i was too tired to make the healthy meal I had planned.
Eating healthy is pretty much a commitment I continue to make with no intention of keeping once shit happens (and it does all the time).
Thanks for a great post that really spoke to me.
October 11, 2011
Thanks Carrie and glad you could relate. Michele, who also commented today, mentioned the need to plan ahead… which I guess is key as well. If I don’t have something easy out for my dinner then I’m tempted to eat crap or have a quick fix.
But like you, once I’m on a roll (of unhealthy stuff), I’m on a roll. (Like the pizza then chocolate the other night; or PURPOSEFULLY buying my fave junk foods for a night of ‘pleasure’: chocolate and corn chips etc!)
I also generally throw in the towel WAY TOO easily – at the first hurdle. I’ve had a few in the last few weeks, but am TRYING not to give in this time but keep going… (but only time will tell!)
Deb
October 11, 2011
Hi Deb, I blogged along these lines a bit today – about how I still wrestle with making the right choices for me, but that you know you’ve made the right choice when you feel really good about what you’ve done. Liz – healthy lunch 1, manky processed cheese toastie – NIL 🙂
October 11, 2011
Very true Liz! Though a manky processed cheese slice toastie does have its place….
October 11, 2011
Great post Deb! I strongly suspect some SS behaviour has crept in with me of late! Ok – I know it has!! Like you, I have my UPS and I have my DOWNS – some of them very apparent in some of my responses to your blogs. It’s funny though coz even when I have my SS induced downs – eg ‘deciding that so much training isnt possible with my schedule, that i’m getting run down and overwhelmed and that I need a break’ or ‘one bloody chocolate wont hurt in the general scheme of things and I’ve been so good for so long’ – I learn from them. I’ve learnt that I dont like how I feel after allowing these SS induced downs. I like how I feel when I eat clean foods and when I’ve trained regularly and I even love the feeling of DOMS! On the flipside – I need to observe and listen to my patterns, my weaknesses, what makes me feel overwhelmed, what causes my downs etc, and make decisions on what works best for me to avoid those, and not only that…..but as you said in your blog…..be OK with my decisions and ‘free myself from my torment’. My torment being – the bane of my life – worrying about what other people think of me or expect of me, wanting to be liked for who I am, as I am. What a complex web we weave for ourselves 😉
October 11, 2011
A very complex web indeed! I’m v. susceptible to SS and yet (like you) when I’m eating healthily and exercising I feel SO good and such a sense of achievement / accomplishment / control / strength. But… I’m so easily swayed (as I have been of late). I’m kinda back on track (a 1.5kg loss this past week) so hope that continues.
PS. Because so much of our contact is virtual – be assured that I like you for who you are, as you are… rather than anything to do with your physicality. That’s the strange thing about the online world I guess – you don’t get distracted by the physical stuff!
Deb
October 12, 2011
Well done – 1.5kg is an awesome loss for one week!!! I stayed the same but I’m not too worried because TTOTM arrived again for weigh-in day. As I usually gain a minimum of 1kg during this time, I most likely do have a loss but will have to wait until next weigh-in to see it. Thanks for your PS comments and yes I agree with what you said about the online world. It’s actually sometimes easier to get to really know a person than it is in real life!
October 11, 2011
I really like the idea that whatever choice you go with, MAKE the choice – as in, actually decide with intention. I know, for myself, I didn’t make the choice to get fat, it just happened over time because of not caring about what choices I made. What is hard now is I am making the choice to eat better, which takes effort. I think that’s the reason it is so hard to lose weight – we often gain weight unconsciously or passively, and have to lose weight consciously/actively. It also seems that is why so many people say, ‘I’m taking control’ because it is all about those proactive decisions. Hm… I’m going to be thinking about intent all day!
October 11, 2011
You are so right Julia – we do gain weight unconsciously and have to lose it consciously (and with great INTENT!).
The other thing I like about the ‘choice’ concept is IF you choose to have a night where you have some drinks, or go out for a lunch or dinner and eat less-than-healthily… then IF you’ve made a conscious decision to do it, there should be no guilt. You’re not doing something you’re not SUPPOSED to be doing!
I often go to thinks or open a bottle of wine with good intentions (I’ll make healthy choices / I’ll just have one glass) and then when I don’t… I get stressed about having failed!