I know I said I wasn’t going to post here again until the new year, but… oh well. Just think of this as an end-of-year anomaly of sorts. It was initially going to be a summary post, which I’ve seen other bloggers do – picking my fave posts from each month of the year. But in true ‘me’ style, by the time I got to February I’d already blown my 1-2 post/month limit.
What I mostly found is that I rarely talked about inconsequential stuff (though that’s not to say my posts haven’t been boring or inane), rather they’re angst-ridden analyses of my feelings, thoughts and behaviour.
Over the past year, in particular, I’ve struggled with the concept of dieting vs not-dieting; and the notion of self-acceptance. I’ve found it difficult to continue with the weight loss I started in 2011 – gaining ‘some’ of it back and grappling with the same thoughts and behaviour which have plagued me for almost 30 years.
It won’t surprise regular readers to know that I struggle with self-confidence and rely on self-deprecation to put myself ‘in my place’ before others have the opportunity to do so.
Which is why the concept of ‘self-acceptance’ has been attractive to me. Somewhere between self-hatred and self-love, self-acceptance has been increasingly tossed about the health, fitness and weight loss world over recent months.
It’s taken me a while, but I’ve finally realised that you can ‘accept’ or ‘like’ yourself even if you are not perfect. D-oh!
In grappling with self-acceptance, I’ve asked:
How can I accept who I am when I still need to lose a lot of weight?
How can I like or accept myself when I’m not as fit or healthy as I want to be?
Discussions I’ve had recently with Karen Anderson have made me realise that – by accepting myself I’m not necessarily condoning my own thoughts or behaviour; I’m not declaring that who or what I am today is who or what I ultimately want to be.
I may not be a masterpiece (and I suspect few of us are?!?) but I am a work-in-progress, worthy of my space place in the world – even now.
I’ve spent a lot of time playing the victim. Poor me. Do I think the world is conspiring against me, you wonder? No… of course not.
I do – however – have a specific villain in mind as I wallow in my disempowered and self-indulgent self-pity.
And that villain? The person to blame for all that’s wrong in my world?
That’s me. It’s my fault. I’m to blame. The guilt is mine.
But I’m realising that, although we may be far from our ideal selves – by not ‘accepting’ who we are JUST as we are today – we are rejecting ourselves. (And, quite frankly… I don’t need or deserve that!)
I’ve vowed that my recent lifestyle changes would also result in a change in me. Three months in, and I’m finally ready.
I’m taking some motivation from a book I got for Christmas (yes me, the hater of self-help books). I’m only one chapter into Domonique Bertolucci’s The Happiness Code and reading about the first key in Bertolucci’s code, which is ‘taking charge’ and the principal of choice.
“Choose to be happy and you will be,” she says.
Bah humbug! I say. But, I read further.
“Don’t be the victim in your life. Self-pity will never lead to happiness. Remind yourself that the situation may not be ideal, but it’s rarely the worst thing that could ever happen.”
It’s not rocket science but, I’ve been thinking a lot about the choices we make. And about the choices I’ve made and continue to make. Bertolucci reminds us that every choice we make has consequences – both positive and negative. And, if others are like me, we weigh them in both our heads and hearts before making a decision.
Bertolucci reminds us that if we’re not prepared to accept the impacts of our choices then we need to rethink those decisions.
“It’s important to recognise that every single decision has consequences and there is no point expending your energy raging against them.”
Umm…. oops.
It occurs to me that I am often in denial about the repercussions of my choices. Whether they be the result of unhealthy food choices or major lifestyle decisions such as my recent sea change. By acknowledging and accepting the negatives I can own up to the real choices I am making. And this…. I need to do.
Do you think through the consequences of choices before you make decisions?
Do you always accept those consequences?
December 26, 2012
Consequences & I don’t have a good relationship, but it’s part of growing up. It’s funny, I’ve taught my daughter about choices & consequences & in some ways she is more mature than I.
December 27, 2012
Jo, your comment reminded me that we (parents and those around kids) DO teach them about consequences, but I wonder if it’s something many of us escape for much of our lives. If I admit it (and I rarely do) I’ve lived a charmed life and have probably taken a lot of stuff for granted. I joked about the ‘choose happiness’ notion in the book, but Bertolucci wrote about how we see the world. I think of myself as a cynic / pessimist, but… perhaps I’m not after all. Perhaps I just assume everything will be okay – on one level anyway – so when there are negative repercussions (I gain weight, I worry about my lack of income) I’m shocked!
December 26, 2012
I use self deprecation as a warped form of armour too. As if I get in first with the put downs it will stop others from having to do it. My psych picks me up on it all the time.
I am impulsive by nature and nurture and I make rash decisions all the time, especially when it comes to eating and shopping (my currently active addictions). I know I’ve got to slow down and grasp that moment before the thought of buying something or eating becomes an action. My psych suggested I draw a window around the moment in my head look at the choice, feel it, think about the consequences… It is so much more easily said than done.
Once the bad choice is made do I accept it? No. Guilt sets in, anxiety, disbelief that I’ve done it again.
I wonder all the time why I do it. Why I sabotage myself. That fleeting moment of a high from sugar (yes, I’m back on it!) or from buying something I really don’t need isn’t worth the sustained low afterwards.
The only way to stop me most the time is a physical barrier: don’t go to the shops, get my lapband tightened up so I can’t eat starchy carbs. Or complete abstinence like I have with illicit drugs, alcohol and cigarettes. (That also worked with sugar as well, but I only lasted 7 weeks. Looking forward to getting back on that wagon 1 Jan!)
I wish I could give you some magic words of wisdom Deb but I think we suffer similar issues. Sometimes I feel like I’m doing so well and then I’m back hitting my head against a brick wall going nowhere.
V.
December 27, 2012
Vanessa, I suspect many of us are the same. I ‘think’ I think through repercussions before making a decision but like you I then second-guess myself. I really liked the notion in the book of accepting the consequences of my decisions. I know it sounds simple but when I think of my recent move… I ‘knew’ that the changes I was making would mean I’d have no income for some time and I thought the idea of a focus on something other-than-earning-a-living would be good. And yet, that’s what I’m struggling with.
Deb
December 27, 2012
Very powerful my friend…acceptance like none other!!
Do you remember when I asked you what it might feel like to take blame out of the equation altogether? I think we all start off wanting to blame others, but when we learn how much this disempowers us, the tendency is to start blaming ourselves because, well, we have to blame someone, right? Wrong. When we blame ourselves, we end up feeling just as sorry for ourselves as when we blame others. The only choice that makes sense is to release blame. Completely. When we acknowledge that how we feel is a choice, then we can change if we want. It is the only place of emotional power.
December 27, 2012
Yes… the acceptance / acknowledgement / rejection conversation in our last session really stuck with me. I know the piece of writing you referred to was actually about the tragic shooting in your hometown, but as I said at the time, its relevance in terms of ‘self’ acceptance hit home.
I now need to work on the blame thing. In fact, I should turn it around… sure I made some choices to leave the workforce and move BUT in reality I should congratulate myself (not blame myself) as I now live at this glorious beach with a gorgeous view and I don’t spend 1-1.5hrs a day commuting to work!
One aspect about the book I didn’t mention was that the author talked about identifying our ‘ideal’ life. As you’d know I struggle with that (what is it I really want to do). So… she talked about using a process of elimination – working out what we don’t want to do. (An a-ha moment for me!) She talked about small changes (updating your CV if you’re unhappy in your job etc).
Deb
December 27, 2012
This is really powerful stuff. It’s only as I’ve got older that I’m better at accepting myself and any consequences that arise from my decisions. Still a work in progress but definitely an easier way to live. xx
December 27, 2012
Yes, it’s something I need to work on given my recent changes.
Deb
December 27, 2012
Very powerful stuff! I am not great at self acceptance or more so acceptance of my role in creating some/ many of my problems. Sometimes it feels so hard to step up and face that the consequences were of my making!
December 27, 2012
Yes… I did assume I was aware of the repercussions of my decisions, but reading the book which so blatantly raises issues about choices, was a bit startling!
Deb
December 27, 2012
I’m quite accepting of consequences. I think it’s my science background. If you take this action there will be some sort of reaction. Whether I like those consequences or not is another thing but I do usually weigh up the cost-benefit. Christmas Day I chose to eat ice cream knowing it was jam-packed with lactose and what that consequence would be so I was fairly accepting of yesterday’s pain. And today’s rum ball(s) may cause a little raise on the scales but hopefully the running I do will negate that before too long.
It looks like quite an interesting and sensible book.
December 27, 2012
So far so good with the book Char. I’m not usually into such books BUT… I’m taking my time with it to ‘process’ each chapter as I read it. Will probably write about most of them I suspect. I talk the talk a lot in this blog, but need to actually walk it!!!
Deb
December 27, 2012
HMMMM
do I need to download me the happiness code for my travels?!
December 29, 2012
I think so… though I suspect you’re pretty good at it already!
December 28, 2012
This is a wonderful post. I have another movie reference for you: The Silver Linings Play Book. We saw it last night. The two main characters are struggling to both accept what has happened to them in their lives, and how they are/were/will be. Dieting and changing your life is hard — it is nearly impossible if you don’t even like yourself while trying to change.
Loving Deb should be your 2013 mantra.
December 29, 2012
Oh thanks Julia. Will check out the movie! xx
December 28, 2012
Sometimes it’s hard to stop and being mindful. But practising, even if you don’t hit it 100% always helps.
December 29, 2012
Yes Liz, true. Just trying is a good thing!
December 31, 2012
Hi Deb! I’m a few days late reading this post, but I wrote about this very topic today. I think it is *not* so much that we know we shouldn’t act like victims–we know that. It is more like we don’t realize when and how often we are doing it, and that it has such significant consequences.
🙂 Marion
December 31, 2012
Heading over to read your post shortly Marion. I like your point and it reminds me of the post I wrote before Christmas after a session with Karen Anderson. I wrote about my father and aspects of his behaviour which frustrated me (he struggled to express anger and would rely on guilt to communicate and he sulked. He was a larger than life character but sometimes played the victim. I recognised (from a specific situation) that I was doing that very thing. Talking to Karen reminded me how much his behaviour frustrated me and I realised I didn’t want to be doing the same thing!