A few weeks ago I wrote a (now rare) blog post about my weight, food, exercise and so forth. I said that I was trying to NOT focus on my weight and my looks and the fact I don’t fit into any clothes (etc) and focus my attention more on my health and how I feel. Physically.
In a rare example of me-following-through I’ve restarted to exercise. A little. And, though this is only my third week I’ve been twice each week (to my supposed 50+ circuit class). Fortunately – as the class is new – I’ve been the only participant each time, so I’ve essentially had 5 personal training (PT) sessions. The trainer’s great and already knows when to push me or when to hold back. (And in case you were wondering… the latter is usually when I say I’m about to vomit!)
He’s keen for me to monitor how I’m going, though knows I’m not ‘dieting’ in any way. I’ve talked to him about my disordered-eating history and he’s mostly sympathetic.
Like me though, I guess he hopes the exercise (and feeling a bit better about myself in general) will help me make healthier food and lifestyle choices. And yes, we both know a bit of exercise alone won’t help on the weight front, though psychologically I feel much better already.
My big achievement over the past few weeks is that I haven’t binged. I’m pretty sure (in the ‘making it about how I feel’ post) I mentioned that I was worried my bingeing was starting to get out of control. Again. Not crazy crazy, but I was easily eating 2 large bags of chips in a sitting and reaching for large blocks of chocolate.
Fast forward three weeks and I haven’t bought any packets of chips or chocolate in that time. Sure I’ve over-eaten at meals and am still eating things ‘healthy’ eaters don’t eat (like hot chips etc), but I feel I’ve (again) escaped the binge / out of control eating mindset. Which for me is a big win and I suspect is a result of my not-dieting approach.
Dave, the trainer, knows I threw away my bathrooom scale a while ago so suggested I use his – in private – after class if I wanted… just to monitor how I’m going.
“Yes I will,” I bravely told him this week, thinking I knew approximately what I had weighed recently and secretly hoping I’d lost weight as a result of my lack of binge-eating.
However… fuckeddy-fuck! I was almost 10kg heavier than I’d thought. In blog post I mentioned earlier I said my BMI was just over 41. Nope, it’s just over 44! Like I said, fuckeddy-fuck!
I was already having a bad week – hating everything and everyone. Again. I was angry at the world and wanted to take to my bed and hide. The weigh-in didn’t help.
Perhaps I should have stuck with the dinners of 500g chocolate instead of avoiding the stuff, for I seemed to pile on the pounds AFTER re-attempting ‘normality’.
I’ve talked endlessly about this before so I won’t go into it again, but my body dysmorphia continues to be a challenge. I mean, I know I’m big, but I again pondered if I should get a current picture of myself and stick it on the fridge. And on the computer. And on the friggin’ front door. Anywhere and everywhere, so I can be reminded of what I look like and be motivated to make some changes.
And then I realised… I’m doing what I’ve always done and the last thing I really need is to detest myself more than I do – when it comes to my body, eating, food and my complete lack of willpower and motivation.
Why do I think my motivation needs to come from a position of self hate instead of self love?
Why can I not appreciate that I’m (still!) a work in progress?
Like I said, I’ve been here before. When I searched for a previous post about self-love or self-hate I had stacks. I hate being a cliché. I’m tired of talking about the same stuff again and again and never bloody learning. So… all I can do is – not panic, stick with my exercise and hope that Dave and I are right…. and as I feel a little better about myself I start to ‘want’ to change, that I want to do the right thing by me and my body.
Do you motivate yourself from self-hate, frustration or negativity; or from a position of self love?
Flogging my blog With Some Grace today.
December 5, 2014
I’m really proud of you for getting back into exercise. I hope you’re proud of you too. *hugs*
December 5, 2014
Thanks. At the moment I don’t entirely trust myself to continue with it, but I hope I do!
December 5, 2014
Oh I can imagine how heartbreaking that would be to be heavier after all of that hard work and good discipline. Could it be muscle? Muscle weighs more than fat. I think you’re doing great regardless of what those nuisance scales say. Keep with it 🙂
December 5, 2014
Ha! Would like to think it’s muscle but it wouldn’t be. I think it’s more disheartening that it’s come after I’ve stopped bingeing. But… Of course for all I know I was even heavier before that!
December 5, 2014
You are very right to motivate yourself from a position of ‘self love’ rather than ‘self hate’ – I’ve done a little pep-talk video as my post this week (the second pep talk I’ve done) – I may make these a weekly thing, because I think we all need to be told (and tell ourselves) that we are beautiful, kind, brave, forgiving etc etc. Keep those good endorphins flowing through exercise.
December 5, 2014
Thanks and will check out the video!
December 5, 2014
Get the Amy Poehler book, Yes Please! She talks a little on finding your currency and focusing on that – and shutting down the mean voices in your head….
December 5, 2014
I hadn’t known she talked about stuff like that in the book! Thanks.
December 5, 2014
Like you, I don’t have a great idea of my body. It can feel disconnected & I’m truly surprised when I see a number or a picture. My two cents worth? Stick with the exercise. Sure they say you can’t out train a bad diet (yadda yadda yadda) but training, I reckon, helps you connect again with your body, be aware of it…& that can feel pretty good.
December 5, 2014
I have actually felt better for the exercise Jo… More supple and less heavy – if that makes sense.
December 5, 2014
Deb, I’m totally relating to this! 3 weeks ago I started to look at what an awesome job our bodies do, and decided to love rather than hate. And this mindset has made it a lot easier for me to make better choices. I know that over the next few weeks I’m not going to be so vigilant, but won’t punish myself for not being “good” either.
Your trainer sounds like a positive influence. Sometimes we meet people at the time we need them, don’t we?
We’re all struggling with something hun, so don’t ever feel like you’re on your own xx
December 5, 2014
Thanks Lisa!
December 5, 2014
Good on you for starting to exercise. I find the scales depressing at the best of times and thanks to new meds and health issues, there haven’t been many best of times this last year. I’m hoping to get the all clear to start exercising, well more than walking, again soon. It definitely puts me in a better mindset and helps me make better food choices. I’m going to throw my scales away though and start measuring instead.
December 5, 2014
I’ve really struggled on the exercise front over the past year or two… My back and hip have really been problematic of late and I often use that as an excuse.
December 5, 2014
I’ve never had an eating disorder but I do have issues with how my body looks to me – that’s all from my school days when I was overweight and teased for it. I think we are all motivated by different things. I have cut most of the carbs out of my diet which has been surprisingly easy. I still have the occasional treat but I actually crave salads and healthier options now. I guess the healthier eating mindset will come in time but you are definitely doing the right thing by starting to exercise again. Good luck with it x
December 5, 2014
I LOVE carbs and often lose weight more quickly or easily when I go without but I tend to feel hugely deprived and then binge! Vicious cycle ‘n’ all that! 🙁
December 5, 2014
Self hate all the way for me Deb. I squeeze my belly fat in front of the mirror before starting my exercise and picture it slowly melting off as I’m pounding away on the treadmill. I’ve walked 55km since Sunday! Woohoo! My feet are frickin killing me though.
December 6, 2014
Oh well done… Not on the sucking-belly thing, but the walking thing. I attempted a short walk with a friend the other day but got shin splints and a sore back; but at least I did it!
December 5, 2014
This is a wonderful post, and I’m on a very similar ‘journey’ at the moment. I posted awhile back about the book ‘The Weight Escape’ which embraces a lot of the same things you’re talking about – especially the kindness! I’m using it to try and ditch the scales and the dieting and just let health, on its own, be the goal. I am finding it an alarmingly major thing to change though. Pretty amazing how much negative self talk can just become your natural/default inner monologue! I wish you the very best with the changes you’re making! Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
December 6, 2014
You’re welcome and yes – it’s really hard to change years of self-negative talk. THanks for dropping by.
December 6, 2014
I’m so glad you’ve stuck with the exercise. I know you can’t out-exercise a bad diet but it can give you the sense of discipline. Like you have control over something and you can follow through. And that can make you feel really good.
December 6, 2014
Yes Char you’re right. Although I feel a little unwell after each class and take a while to recover, I do feel psychologically better and (eventually) physically better!
December 9, 2014
Oh I so can relate to everything you said – everything.
I so feel you/hear you. Keep moving forward, baby steps is all it takes.
The weight is slowly coming off after I gave up all Grains and all Sugars.
At first it was so hard to but now if I forget and eat anything that has grains or sugar in it I end up with big headaches so its worth sticking with my new way of eating.
Would you believe that hubby has lost way more than I have with our new way of life – that sucks so much but I am trying to keep positive 🙂
December 9, 2014
Great news and well done!!!
December 10, 2014
When I used to train people I almost never weighed women, unless the wanted to be weighed. Most women including myself hate it because the scale can fluctuate and be really depressing. Even if you know you are bigger than you want to be seeing it on the scale can be so negative. I used to use measurements and do regular strength or cardio tests to monitor progress. It might be a better way to go, most of us have emotional issues with the scale that we don’t have with say our bicep measurement.
PS good job on going! Huge part of the battle!
December 10, 2014
Thanks Jess! x