A few weeks ago I wrote a (now rare) blog post about my weight, food, exercise and so forth. I said that I was trying to NOT focus on my weight and my looks and the fact I don’t fit into any clothes (etc) and focus my attention more on my health and how I feel. Physically.
In a rare example of me-following-through I’ve restarted to exercise. A little. And, though this is only my third week I’ve been twice each week (to my supposed 50+ circuit class). Fortunately – as the class is new – I’ve been the only participant each time, so I’ve essentially had 5 personal training (PT) sessions. The trainer’s great and already knows when to push me or when to hold back. (And in case you were wondering… the latter is usually when I say I’m about to vomit!)
He’s keen for me to monitor how I’m going, though knows I’m not ‘dieting’ in any way. I’ve talked to him about my disordered-eating history and he’s mostly sympathetic.
Like me though, I guess he hopes the exercise (and feeling a bit better about myself in general) will help me make healthier food and lifestyle choices. And yes, we both know a bit of exercise alone won’t help on the weight front, though psychologically I feel much better already.
My big achievement over the past few weeks is that I haven’t binged. I’m pretty sure (in the ‘making it about how I feel’ post) I mentioned that I was worried my bingeing was starting to get out of control. Again. Not crazy crazy, but I was easily eating 2 large bags of chips in a sitting and reaching for large blocks of chocolate.
Fast forward three weeks and I haven’t bought any packets of chips or chocolate in that time. Sure I’ve over-eaten at meals and am still eating things ‘healthy’ eaters don’t eat (like hot chips etc), but I feel I’ve (again) escaped the binge / out of control eating mindset. Which for me is a big win and I suspect is a result of my not-dieting approach.
Dave, the trainer, knows I threw away my bathrooom scale a while ago so suggested I use his – in private – after class if I wanted… just to monitor how I’m going.
“Yes I will,” I bravely told him this week, thinking I knew approximately what I had weighed recently and secretly hoping I’d lost weight as a result of my lack of binge-eating.
However… fuckeddy-fuck! I was almost 10kg heavier than I’d thought. In blog post I mentioned earlier I said my BMI was just over 41. Nope, it’s just over 44! Like I said, fuckeddy-fuck!
I was already having a bad week – hating everything and everyone. Again. I was angry at the world and wanted to take to my bed and hide. The weigh-in didn’t help.
Perhaps I should have stuck with the dinners of 500g chocolate instead of avoiding the stuff, for I seemed to pile on the pounds AFTER re-attempting ‘normality’.
I’ve talked endlessly about this before so I won’t go into it again, but my body dysmorphia continues to be a challenge. I mean, I know I’m big, but I again pondered if I should get a current picture of myself and stick it on the fridge. And on the computer. And on the friggin’ front door. Anywhere and everywhere, so I can be reminded of what I look like and be motivated to make some changes.
And then I realised… I’m doing what I’ve always done and the last thing I really need is to detest myself more than I do – when it comes to my body, eating, food and my complete lack of willpower and motivation.
Why do I think my motivation needs to come from a position of self hate instead of self love?
Why can I not appreciate that I’m (still!) a work in progress?
Like I said, I’ve been here before. When I searched for a previous post about self-love or self-hate I had stacks. I hate being a cliché. I’m tired of talking about the same stuff again and again and never bloody learning. So… all I can do is – not panic, stick with my exercise and hope that Dave and I are right…. and as I feel a little better about myself I start to ‘want’ to change, that I want to do the right thing by me and my body.
Do you motivate yourself from self-hate, frustration or negativity; or from a position of self love?
Flogging my blog With Some Grace today.