I was feeling pretty sorry for myself on the weekend. I tried my best not to do that thing where you post pitiful woe-is-me Facebook updates and Tweets but didn’t entirely succeed.
My malaise was the result of a few things… I’d been unwell, I’d had my mum’s health scare, the whole ‘finding a job’ thing was getting to me in addition to some other crap I won’t go into here. Oh and let’s not mention those friggin’ hormones running rife in my 47 year old body. #bastards
In reality I knew I was just being a misery-guts and my life really wasn’t that bad… but for the first time in the three years since I moved I found I REALLY missed my bestest girlfriends and just wanted to be around those who knew me well and loved me despite my
foibles idiosyncrasies. (Plus I was craving a boozy girly, “My life is more f*cked than yours,” lunch!)
Normally I’d comfort myself by eating crap food and watching DVDs. Or taped TV. It was something I often did on weekends or at night in my previous life and on fewer, but some occasions since my seachange.
I’ve tried ‘sitting with my feelings’ before*, but I’ve figured I wallow either way, so I might as well get some bloody enjoyment out of doing it (hence the chocolate, hot chips, corn chips etc).
However… on Saturday after deciding I wouldn’t drive to my mother’s (who lives in a nearby town) I just wallowed. I imagined the bags of caramello koalas I could have inhaled and could even almost taste their caramel-y goodness… but was able to recognise they wouldn’t help me feel any better. Not even in the short-term. As for corn chips or hot chips. Again, yummmm…. but they wouldn’t solve my problems.
I’ve always accepted my need for instant gratification (to quieten my anger and frustration or sate the emptiness in my heart) would be greater than my ability to rationalise with myself. I’ve always known eating kilograms of chocolate and / or chips would only exacerbate my problems in the long term; and that any short-term satisfaction is fleeting given I eat until I’m overly full and feeling sick and uncomfortable.
And yet I do it. I’ve needed to do it.
I’m sure I will again.
I don’t exactly know what one’s supposed to feel or do when sitting with their feelings but I’m kinda happy in the end that I didn’t run to my mother’s and that I just dealt with the overwhelm myself. (Via wallowing with minimal Facebook / Twitter cries for help!) 😉
My lack of resilience is one of my biggest weaknesses and something I need to work on. I’m far too easily crushed and have been reminded of that recently.
Meanwhile I’ll continue in my journey of small steps.
Anyone know if wallowing is the same as sitting with one’s feelings? I certainly hope so.
Linking up with Essentially Jess and her IBOT team today.
I attempted to name this post ‘Sitting with Feelings’ only to discovered I’d already labelled a post thus. It’s not surprising as (in the diet / weight loss world) I talk about the same friggin’ things again and again!) Anyhoo… after extensive research (reading the old post) I discovered it to be written almost exactly a year ago and… though I contemplated the ‘sitting with feelings’ notion, it was something I was yet to master.