I was feeling pretty sorry for myself on the weekend. I tried my best not to do that thing where you post pitiful woe-is-me Facebook updates and Tweets but didn’t entirely succeed.
My malaise was the result of a few things… I’d been unwell, I’d had my mum’s health scare, the whole ‘finding a job’ thing was getting to me in addition to some other crap I won’t go into here. Oh and let’s not mention those friggin’ hormones running rife in my 47 year old body. #bastards
In reality I knew I was just being a misery-guts and my life really wasn’t that bad… but for the first time in the three years since I moved I found I REALLY missed my bestest girlfriends and just wanted to be around those who knew me well and loved me despite my foibles idiosyncrasies. (Plus I was craving a boozy girly, “My life is more f*cked than yours,” lunch!)
Normally I’d comfort myself by eating crap food and watching DVDs. Or taped TV. It was something I often did on weekends or at night in my previous life and on fewer, but some occasions since my seachange.
I’ve tried ‘sitting with my feelings’ before*, but I’ve figured I wallow either way, so I might as well get some bloody enjoyment out of doing it (hence the chocolate, hot chips, corn chips etc).
However… on Saturday after deciding I wouldn’t drive to my mother’s (who lives in a nearby town) I just wallowed. I imagined the bags of caramello koalas I could have inhaled and could even almost taste their caramel-y goodness… but was able to recognise they wouldn’t help me feel any better. Not even in the short-term. As for corn chips or hot chips. Again, yummmm…. but they wouldn’t solve my problems.
I’ve always accepted my need for instant gratification (to quieten my anger and frustration or sate the emptiness in my heart) would be greater than my ability to rationalise with myself. I’ve always known eating kilograms of chocolate and / or chips would only exacerbate my problems in the long term; and that any short-term satisfaction is fleeting given I eat until I’m overly full and feeling sick and uncomfortable.
And yet I do it. I’ve needed to do it.
I’m sure I will again.
I don’t exactly know what one’s supposed to feel or do when sitting with their feelings but I’m kinda happy in the end that I didn’t run to my mother’s and that I just dealt with the overwhelm myself. (Via wallowing with minimal Facebook / Twitter cries for help!) 😉
My lack of resilience is one of my biggest weaknesses and something I need to work on. I’m far too easily crushed and have been reminded of that recently.
Meanwhile I’ll continue in my journey of small steps.
Anyone know if wallowing is the same as sitting with one’s feelings? I certainly hope so.
Linking up with Essentially Jess and her IBOT team today.
I attempted to name this post ‘Sitting with Feelings’ only to discovered I’d already labelled a post thus. It’s not surprising as (in the diet / weight loss world) I talk about the same friggin’ things again and again!) Anyhoo… after extensive research (reading the old post) I discovered it to be written almost exactly a year ago and… though I contemplated the ‘sitting with feelings’ notion, it was something I was yet to master.
September 15, 2015
I understand completely. Besides my husband & kids here, I have no living parents and my brother & his family, plus my eldest daughter and her family, live across country and I only see them once a year. I’m so not a telephone person, so I don’t pick up the phone and talk to long-lost friends and family.
Sometimes it feels good to turn to food, a binge eat, to calm my frustration at daily life. Thank you for posting those inspirational quotes!
September 15, 2015
You should follow Geneen Roth on Facebook Rita. I’m not into self-help type books (or any non-fiction) but have some of hers I got in the 1990s which I quite enjoyed.
September 16, 2015
Thank you! Will check her out further!
September 15, 2015
I know where you are coming from, I don’t have a huge group of close friends to turn too when I am down. My solace is in a nice large mug of coffee and a bar of chocolate.
September 15, 2015
That sounds okay Heather – a moderate approach and we should all include SOME chocolate in our lives!
September 15, 2015
But maybe you’re not wallowing. Maybe you’re just thinking everything through in a really intense way.
Hang in there Deb! Resilience is a tough one.
Have you ever read The Four Agreements?
It’s a good one for building up resilience (and it’s an easy read). Words to live by …
September 15, 2015
Yes… I guess only I see it as wallowing. It’s not as if there’s any problem solving to be done or decisions to make. Usually I’m just frustrated or angry or sad or whatever and I know that happens to everyone. Dealing with it is probably a good start – rather than using food to deny those feelings.
PS. Thanks for the heads-up on The Four Agreements.
September 15, 2015
I have been known to eat for comfort too- I can’t explain it other than to say it feels like you’re doing *something*- distracting yourself, maybe? No real advice, but I get it xx
September 15, 2015
Thanks Amy.
September 15, 2015
Small steps Deb. Even if it’s just a small shuffle. x
September 15, 2015
Absolutely Jodi. When I get down about how long everything could possibly take I remind myself of the alternative AND of that quote which says something like…. “The time will pass anyway…”
September 15, 2015
I think you are more resilient than you give yourself credit for. Last week was a crazy week for feelings. I was feeling them all too and I may have eaten more than my share of chocolate. Why do we always resort to food? Well done on the willpower Deb. I hope this week is better for you. I also hope things turn out better for you – that you get an incredible job opportunity and that your mum recovers fully from her health scare. xx
September 15, 2015
Thanks Bec. Mum’s being treated for her heart problem and they’ve tweaked her medication so hopefully there’ll be no more late night ambulance trips to hospital.
Deb
September 15, 2015
I could have written this myself Deb – so I can very much relate. One day at a time! Oh and agree about those friggin #bastard hormones! Who knew that at this age hormones would cause such turbulence!! BTW – I’ve booked a weekend whale watching package at your neck of the woods for hubby & myself – early Oct! Would love to catch up with you while we are up there for the weekend! I’ll be in touch! 🙂
September 15, 2015
Sounds good Min – would be great to catch up!
September 15, 2015
I think you did well – wallowing, or ‘sitting with feelings’ without food as comfort. I do think sitting with feelings implies an ultimate letting go at the end of the sitting session – easier said than done.
September 15, 2015
Yes that’s probably true Kathy. I’m not sure I’ve got that part covered! 😉
September 15, 2015
Well I would like to congratulate you as sitting with your feelings is very difficult to do. I know I will avoid as much as possible, hoping they will change. Good for you… Be proud
September 15, 2015
Thanks so much. I just hope next time I can again remind myself that bingeing won’t help etc…
September 15, 2015
I am an emotional eater/ bInger so big hugs. It is a battle to do exactly what you did. Choosing to sit with the feelings instead of soothing and numbing with food. That is a huge win xxxxx
September 15, 2015
Thanks Deb.
September 15, 2015
Perhaps sitting with our feelings and allowing them to overtake us – even for the moment – is something we all need to do more of. It sure is something we all often try to avoid or distract ourselves from. As for the emotional eating – I do it, and while it may not solve problems, it makes that one little moment a little better at the time x
September 15, 2015
I was thinking about that later Josefa. Often we’re told to find other ways to find comfort (other treats or ‘crutches’) but I did wonder if that’s also delaying the inevitable. Perhaps any kind of deferment isn’t necessarily healthy. Hmmm….
September 15, 2015
So many times I’ve wanted to just eat all the bad food, and these days more often then not I do because having a toddler who I primarily look after myself can be exhausting. I miss working a fair bit, mainly for the socialisation and being able to go have a lunch break with friends etc. I totally get the feeling of isolation #teamIBOT
September 15, 2015
I’m usually in contact with my old friends enough that I don’t feel that isolation but I suspect it was because I was seeing lots of other people having nice boozy lunches with best friends and I was going through some stuff I’d really only talk to a few people about… I do have people I can reach out to locally as well, but I’m just not great at that!
September 15, 2015
I think it is perfectly ok to wallow, in moderation. A bit of alone time, some gooey food and a good movie to distract you can really help.
September 15, 2015
Yes absolutely. I’d like to think one day I’ll be someone who can indulge a little and pull myself up before I go too far that I feel unwell. Fingers crossed!
September 15, 2015
Yes, it’s a fine line I think, between wallowing and being introspective. I guess that things cross the line to wallowing when you keep processing the same things over and over again without being able to move on. Sometimes it is important to validate those feelings by allowing yourself to spend time with them x
September 15, 2015
Ah yes and I do think I got some stuff out of my system. I’d been quite frustrated and angry about something Melissa and think I just needed to allow myself to feel pissed off about it all.
September 15, 2015
I can relate, Deborah. Turning to food to help us feel better is so easy to do, but you’re right–in the long run it doesn’t really help. So good for you not doing that and getting through your funk. And it’s hard to face our feelings and sometimes to even know what we are feeling. But it sounds like you are making progress on that front. I really like the photos and quotes, too!
September 15, 2015
The quotes are great, aren’t they Jan. I love Geneen Roth’s FB page (and others who offer similar words of encouragement). I often joke about wanky motivational stuff but sometimes quotes like these just fit.
September 15, 2015
I have written about this before also sitting with my feelings. There is not much that needs to be reacted to straight away as we tend to do like fly off the handle. I guess sitting with your feelings you are processing them in a constructive way. Wallowing in them is when we tend to be drowned by those overwhelming feelings. I hope this strength and clarity continues for you !
September 15, 2015
Thank you and yes… none of the things troubling me were particularly new, though I’d dealt with something that morning. They were just things which had been compounded over a few weeks until – for the first time in a month – I realised that my ‘go-to’ approach at that point would normally be to binge on everything in sight until it all went away (both the feelings and the food!)
It occurred to me that – without the bingeing – I felt kinda lost.
September 15, 2015
I don’t know if this is wallowing as much as it’s allowing your body and brain to do what it needs to do to reset. Sometimes I just want to hide away from the world – I think we all do – and you have lots of stresses and pulls on your time. Not wanting to do anything and then not doing anything will probably have done you more good than you think.
September 16, 2015
I think it did Emma. I suspect I’m still a little unwell as I’m still sleeping a ridiculous amount and struggling to get up each day! (Plus the hormonal thing!)
September 16, 2015
I don’t know if sitting with feelings is the same as wallowing but I sure don’t know what the alternative is. Do you just let the negatives wash over you until they’re done? That’s kind of what I do and if it gets too much I run. Like I did on Sunday.
September 16, 2015
Yes I guess it’s useful to find something to do that doesn’t actually involve blocking out those feelings (like the mindless eating does) but allows you to work through them in a different way.
September 16, 2015
I had a pretty crappy end to my week last week, and to be honest this week started much the same. I like you describe turn to food to calm/mask those feelings of stress and lack of control, every time! I am smarter than this, right up until the moment. Back to having a better day today, and what do you know, my food intake today has been much better. Don’t be too hard on yourself, some times we have to do whatever it takes to get through to the next day, wallowing or sitting with your feelings included. A much better option than my crappy eating. xx
September 16, 2015
Thanks Nicole.
September 17, 2015
I hear you! I am having a similar wallow lately, and have been trying really hard to not eat the feelings like I normally would. I love Geneen Roth and she has such a great view.
September 17, 2015
I love seeing Geneen Roth’s updates pop up on Facebook when I most need them!
September 18, 2015
Far out must be something in the air because I am in a similar frame of mind and feel like I can’t get my shit together. Overwhelmed by it all even though maybe there is nothing to be overwhelmed by.
September 18, 2015
Yep… I knew part of mine was hormonal so suspect that made everything else worse but I suspect we all let the overwhelm get to us from time to time.
September 20, 2015
I love that game with friends as to who has got the crappiest life! It’s so reassuring! 😀 Sorry to hear you are feeling low. I struggle with food issues and compulsive eating too. I have been working really hard all this year not to fall back into old habits but whenever a certain mood strikes, it is the hardest thing in the world. Sitting with my feels isn’t one I’ve tried though so I will next time it hits. Distraction can work well for me – visit family, have a bath, shopping, going for a walk. But it’s never easy 🙁
September 21, 2015
Very true Trish – it’s certainly not easy. I suspect it’s something you can improve but perhaps never conquer. And I shouldn’t use this word but struggle for a better one… I know that ‘normal’ eaters will occasionally emotionally eat and would like to think one day I’ll be able to have a small binge on chocolate or ice cream or similar that doesn’t turn into a complete eat-til-I’m-sick blowout and continue for days (weeks!).
September 21, 2015
I totally get it. For me, it isn’t food I turn to, but sleep. I’ll just sleep days away when I’m down about things. Something that can help is making a list of all the good things. I set a goal, like 5 or 3. Or a list of all the things that would suck, but don’t affect my life.
September 21, 2015
I’ve been struggling with my sleeping patterns a lot lately as well Elizabeth. I’m an insomniac anyway and struggle to get to sleep and then don’t want to get up in the morning. I try to avoid daytime sleeping and it doesn’t help. And then other times I’m so tired I’ll have 3hr daytime naps.
And yes, I’ve done the ‘things I’m grateful for’ (or ‘good things’ list) before and know it’s a good practice to get into so I might start that one again. The last time I did it was when it was part of an instagram challenge…. so that might work.
September 21, 2015
I had a crap week last week even though I had family around late in the week but unlike you I didn’t sit with my feelings … I ate them and I definitely wanted a “boozy girly, “My life is more f*cked than yours,” lunch!”
Don’t you think you took a leap in the right direction? … you sat, you recognised. I wish I’d taken a leaf out of your book and sent a twitter SOS to FitReaders, I might not have felt so ill lol.
September 21, 2015
Oh yes Teddyree I was definitely pleased I didn’t have that binge. As I’ve said in some comments, it tends to set me off. I’m not dieting at the moment, but trying to eat relatively normally and not eat a lot of junk. I know that an afternoon of chocolate etc would have put me back in that place where I was buying it ALL OF THE TIME!
September 21, 2015
Thanks for sharing.
September 21, 2015
Thanks Deb