My time away gave me the opportunity to reflect a bit on my life (as well as ponder on the possibility of peace in Syria, and whether Brad and Angelina really WILL expand their family). You know, the important stuff.

However, the only conclusion I came to was that I am tired and jaded. My dietician / psychologist is right. My life is WAY too much about food, dieting, weight loss etcetera. I’m either planning how I can get ‘back on track’ or feeling desperately guilty because I’ve been eating badly. My moods yo-yo from cheery hopefulness, “Tomorrow I will restart my diet!” to quiet desperation, “I don’t want to NEVER eat rice cakes / corn chips / chocolate again!”  It’s too much about what I SHOULD or SHOULDN’T be doing.

I’m due to see my therapist again this Saturday, although I’m not overly enthused at the idea. Whether that’s just my antipathy to having to confess to recent waywardness (failing in the no-chocolate and no-rice cakes / corn chips edict) or being weighed I’m not sure. Perhaps it’s my defences kicking in and rebelling against HAVING to ‘get better’ and work through some of my eating issues. W(ho)TF knows?!

I haven’t kept the dreaded food log since before Easter so I get a big fat ‘F’ for failure there as well. I suspect if I told the therapist that the food log has ‘done my head in’ she would tell me that I was warned that our sessions would be challenging and I need to just ‘suck it up’.

How will you ‘get better’ if you’re not willing to put in the hard yards? She might say. Well, I would if I was her!

I’ve sprouted about my exercise efforts while away, and indeed over the past six months – including those weeks where my eating has been somewhat out-of-control. And that’s a good thing. But… on my arrival home from Melbourne I logged onto Facebook and was reminded of this fact (thanks to Donna, who regularly posts inspirational quotes):

It’s true. I know it (although sometimes the quoted split is as high as 80% diet; 20% exercise). In fact, I’ve written about it before here. The amount of exercise I do now compared to my pitiful 20 minute exercise bike rides during which time I lost 20kg is a testament to the fact that losing weight is almost all about one’s diet. (And by that I don’t necessarily mean a diet; but rather what one eats!) As I understand it, exercise is important – but more so once you want to maintain your weight, as well as for your health and fitness overall (obviously).

The fact that I worked-out 8 of the 11 days I was on holidays is great, and I want to continue my planned five days-a-week of exercise as far as possible. But now that’s mostly under control, I think it’s time to refocus.

I arrived back from Melbourne feeling a bit ‘blah’ and unhealthy. I’m not too worried about the meals I had ‘out’ while away (Indian, pizza, Thai, pub food, cooked breakfasts and the like are fine); more problematic for me was that I started having wee ‘treats’ for lunch everyday, culminating in rice cakes, corn chips AND easter eggs the day before we came home.

So I need to get back to basics: I need to remember that it’s more about the food than exercise (at this stage). I know I can get my eating under control. I’ve done it before and I can do it again. It’s not exactly rocket science: calories in vs calories expended (etcetera!). But I have a habit of over-thinking and over-complicating everything.

I’m not sure I’ll keep my food log and madly track what I’m eating, but for a start I’ll focus on the ‘no-treats’ concept and try to be ‘mindful’ of what I’m doing and eating, but not obsessive. But… I remain concerned that it will be a fine line for me.

Do others have this dilemma: balancing mindfulness with over-thinking or obsession?