As someone with a long history of disordered eating I’ve done my fair share of reading on the subject. I’ve not tried EVERY hare-brained diet fad, but I’ve dipped my toe into the nonsensical waters promising wellness, weightloss and recovery more times than I care to remember.
And yet… well, let’s just say I’m the heaviest and least-fit I’ve ever been, and struggling with feelings of self-loathing. I’m a very long way from body neutrality and even further from body acceptance.
It’s been on my mind a lot of late. Once upon a time my ‘Diet Schmiet’ posts were a regular occurrence. They were also introspective and brutally honest. However, this blog has changed over the past 18mths and I’ve been loath to lay myself as bare as I once did.
When I ditched my standalone Diet Schmiet blog I also farewelled the many weightloss and wellness blogs I read / followed. Including those less about dieting and more about self-acceptance. Quite frankly I was tired of reading about that shit. Again and again. Over and over.
Yet last week I came across something via Facebook by Karen Salmansohn on anger, food addiction and the importance of self-forgiveness for recovery. As I’ve been on the self-hatred bandwagon BIG TIME of late, I was interested in what this piece had to say.
Addiction specialists suggest there is power in forgiveness. By asking oneself for forgiveness you’re both owning up to your behavior (very important #obvs) and simultaneously empowering yourself to move on.
In my case, or just as importantly it requires that we move on from that victim mentality which comes from blaming and shaming ourselves; and finally allows us to focus our energies on more constructive and positive thoughts and feelings.
This makes some sense but I’m fairly sure self forgiveness is easier said than done.
Because I’m no longer sure this is where I want to share my innermost thoughts, I won’t go into my own feelings on the matter, but in summary my fury with myself at becoming somebody—rather, someTHING—I never thought I’d become is unrelenting. I rarely notice the frustration simmering away but it pervades my every waking hour. Certainly, I’ve talked in the past about the role anger plays in my overeating and binge-eating.
So, I’ve found some exercises to deal with self forgiveness and am going to try give them a go. I know this all sounds a little self-indulgent but I’m not usually big on the self-help stuff. I’ve relied on a number of therapists in the past to help me deal with some of my fucked-up thinking and that really hasn’t worked particularly well.
So, if you need me I’ll have my head buried in my exercise book in the hope I have some sort of cathartic release of guilt and anger. Or something. 🙂
Without laying yourself bare, can you think of things (big or small) you’d love to forgive yourself for?
For more on self-forgiveness and an example exercise check out this Chopra Well piece.
I’m hooking up with Essentially Jess and her IBOT team today…