Allaying guilt

Tuesday, April 19, 2011 Permalink

I am an over-sharer. I know, I know, you are shocked beyond belief, but it’s true.  This is one of two blogs I keep.  I use my real name in neither but I do link to posts from the other blog from my Facebook page, so my meagre cadre of ‘friends’ can read them if they so desire.  There I post about important issues (film, television, books etc) and although I confess to some of my sins and foibles, I am fairly circumspect about what I write given that people who know me might read it.

This blog is different, obviously; because I write with no real audience in mind at all. I write about whatever issue is plaguing me in that moment.  There are no drafts, no revisions and no real moderation. This blog is reminiscent of the emails I send my family and close friends.  I just blurt stuff out and what fills the page is an eruption of my thoughts and feelings – untempered by worries about how I am perceived.

#52/365What I notice and I have commented on before is how often I go on and on about guilt. I feel guilty for eating this, not eating that; guilty for not exercising; guilty for not doing tasks on my to-do list.  Guilt guilt guilt.  And I confess it here.  And to friends and family – though mostly my mother!  I wrote some time ago about going through old diaries and noticing that nary a page passed by without me commenting on my weight and what I had and hadn’t eaten or how many times I had or hadn’t been to the gym (note this was when I actually went to the gym!).

I notice in my discussions with my parents that I feel the need to ‘confess’ things to them. Things I don’t need to confess; things that aren’t often that bad, but I feel the need to get it off my chest (ie. I slept in and didn’t do the chores I’d planned, or I got angry at the builders who have been procrastinating around my apartment for 2 yrs etc). I’ve realised this blog is like that. I don’t feel as bad if I share my naughtiness with someone.  Anyone. There is an entire religion built around the notion of confession. Sadly no one here is absolving me of my sins… but they are perhaps less burdensome because I share them. I type them, they appear on the screen and fly off into the ether.

Whether I am just allaying my guilt and sharing my ‘load’ with someone or hoping for absolution, I do get something out of putting fingers to keyboard like this.  I can (perhaps) even be a tad more honest than I would if I was confronted by a real person with judgmental expressions rather than a computer screen!

* Picture compliments of Flickr and  OjOjJoJo 


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