Admissions and confessions: binge eating. Again.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013 Permalink

I’ve been a bit of a stress bunny of late.

Some of it is because of stuff happening – the usual things that everyone goes through… family illness, work / business worries and the like.

But as it’s been playing on my mind, I probably need to fess up to the rest of it.

I’ve been binge eating. For about 3-4 weeks now.

I know, I know…. I can see you shaking your head in frustration and disappointment. Rest assured, I’m doing the same thing.

I’d been in such a good place mentally. I was finally getting back into my exercise – Zumbaing twice weekly and I’d started yoga. Everything was going swimmingly.

But – for various reasons (which may be another post) I decided I needed to seriously do something about my weight. And… naturally, to lose weight (sometime in the foreseeable future) I needed to diet. So I started pondering.

Should I start cutting out carbohydrates at night?
Should I start counting (and limiting) calories?
Or should I go on a meal replacement / shake-related program… just to get some of the weight off and start feeling better? (Perhaps then moving to counting calories.)
Or perhaps I needed to take out a bank loan and go to a bloody fat camp again?

But, regular readers would know that in my case, even the sanest ‘diet’ or minimal lifestyle change (counting calories or controlling – in some way – what I eat) sends me into a tailspin.

And because  the NEED TO DIET was planted in my head the tailspin commenced – and I started binge eating.

Initially it was okay. It was my Last Supper. I was about to start a proper and real diet. I was about to lose weight. Yay! But… I needed to consume all possible treats BEFORE that started.

Sadly – as is often the case – my Last Supper has now extended for several weeks while I struggle to find the willpower or motivation to actually start the ‘dieting’ part of the whole equation.

It started small but in the last week or so I’ve baked 4-5 batches of brownies and eaten them all. I’ve eaten hot chips for days and days in a row. I’ve eaten massive dinners until I’ve felt so unwell I’ve had to lie in the bathtub.

I’ve eaten my mother’s supply of (gluten-free) frozen hash browns, chips and wedges, replaced them and demolished them again.  After eating her chocolate I ate her cooking chocolate. So far I’ve drawn the line at making biscuit / cake batter and the like, but… I’m close.

I don’t have answers.

I KNOW that the concept of dieting (or even putting ANY restrictions around my eating) is fraught with problems. I know that there is a lot of research (and living proof – like moi – that diets do not work unless you’re prepared to live a life of deprivation OR you’re someone who’s never had particularly disordered eating*).

I know I was happier and mentally healthier when I wasn’t trying to ‘diet’. But… the sad fact remained – that I needed to lose weight.

Like I said… no answers. And, in this case – no comments required. Although I love hearing from anyone who takes the time to read my drivel, I know that comments could range from disappointed eye-rolls to encouraging thoughts and hugs. I kinda know all of that. So… I’ll finish up by apologising to you (and to me) for where I’m at; and you can visualise my shoulder shrug as I tell you that things will change. Well, quite frankly, they have to change. There is no alternative.

* I have friends who have kept weight off just by controlling what they eat, but they were never particularly overweight (well, overweight but not obese) in the first place. Plus, their version of a binge was consuming a packet of Tim Tams in one-sitting on a yearly basis.
* Others I’ve known who’ve kept weight off have become health and fitness professionals.